Mad Minerva Satires

New York City Politician Proposes Ban on Oxygen

2010-03-12T11:51:00.004-05:00

NEW YORK CITY -- (CNN -- ) -- On the heels of Feliz Ortiz's proposal to ban salt in all NYC restaurant cooking, his colleague Nick Reaper has now proposed a ban on all oxygen in the greater NYC area. The move comes as an attempt to improve the health and safety of New Yorkers by reducing fire hazards.

Reaper admits that prior to submitting his bill he had not fully researched the role of oxygen in the functioning of human physiology.

"I did not think that was necessary," he said. "The testimony of FDNY personnel and physical scientists is incontrovertible. Oxygen is an essential factor in fires. There would be no fires without oxygen. Banning it is a sensible way to prevent devastating and costly fire hazards in New York City. If only oxygen had been banned in the 19th century, we might not have had a tragedy like the Triangle Shirtwaist Factory Fire or, dare I say it, the fireballs from -- uh -- more recent New York history."

Initial public reaction to the proposed ban has been mixed. One wit on the street opined that instead of banning oxygen the gas, Reaper would better serve New York by banning Oxygen the TV channel.

TSA Security Personnel Issued New ID Cards

2009-12-28T12:00:00.003-05:00

DETROIT -- BBC -- (Boxers Briefs Corporation News) -- In the aftermath of the failed Christmas Day terrorist attempt that involved a man attempting to detonate a bomb hidden in his underwear, new security measures have been put in place. All airline passengers will now be required to drop trou at security checkpoints.

In light of this, TSA employees will be issued new identification cards that read "Bikini Inspector."

Former President Bill Clinton expressed regret that this new "panty raid security" was not in place during his administration. Monica Lewinsky was unable for comment.

The overwhelming response from beleaguered air travelers now burdened by even more inconveniences has been negative. Nevertheless, the BBC was able to find one traveler who approved of the new measures.

"Let's be honest here," said the unnamed passenger. "Now it's legal for me to do what I've been wanting to do for quite some time. Here is my opinion of these never-ending so-called security measures that clearly haven't worked at all."

He then proceeded to moon the TSA.

EPA Bans Coal in Christmas Stockings

2009-12-24T06:11:00.006-05:00

WASHINGTON, DC-- (CNN -- Candycane News Network) -- In an attempt to promote a more environmentally-friendly holiday season, the Environmental Protection Agency has banned the use of coal as a stocking stuffer for naughty children in the US.

EPA spokesperson Rich Greene noted, "You better watch out; you better not cry; you better not pout. Instead of coal, which is producing masses of pollution from dirty power plants, we recommend that Santa Claus fill the stockings with carbon offset credits instead."

Greene added that Mr. Claus will be heavily fined if he does not comply. Mr. Claus has already been under fire from various environmental and animal-rights groups for his use of reindeer.

In Attempt to Close Deficit, Government Introduces New Tax on Taxes

2009-05-15T10:12:00.004-04:00

WASHINGTON, DC -- (CNN -- Cash News Network) -- In the latest attempt to close the budget gap of ballooning public debt and massive deficit spending, Congress and the President have created a new, if controversial, revenue stream. In a press conference this morning, Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi (D-California) and President Obama unveiled two new taxes, which will be levied on current taxes and on taxpayers for being taxpayers.

"In effect," said Pelosi, "we will be taxing your taxes. If you are already paying taxes, then clearly you are a member of the evil rich, and you should be soaked for your resources so we can spread the wealth around. You will now be paying an additional tax on every tax that you currently pay. You will also pay another tax for the fact that your name is on the tax rolls. No, this is not odd. If city mayors can tax college students for being college students, I see no reason why we cannot tax taxpayers for being taxpayers.

"Oh, and you will now have to pay a substantial processing fee to the IRS every time you pay your taxes since it is expending manpower and resources to collect those taxes and to maintain the tax rolls."

Department of Homeland Security Issues "No Read List"

2009-04-18T20:38:00.011-04:00

WASHINGTON, DC -- (CNN -- Cretin News Network) -- In a follow-up to last week's highly controversial report on alleged right-wing extremism, the Department of Homeland Security has now issued a No Read List.

DHS head Janet Napolitano explained that the No Read List is similar in purpose to the well-known No Fly List: "As certain individuals have been flagged as potential security threats and therefore placed on the No Fly List to prevent them traveling and attempting perhaps to mount another 9/11-style attack, the DHS and I believe that some books are also potential security threats and should not be read, both for your own safety and the safety of others."

The new DHS No Read List includes the following potentially subversive works. According to Napolitano, "This list is a work in progress; check back frequently for new additions as the DHS works to ensure your safety -- even from your own selves."

1984 by George Orwell
Animal Farm by George Orwell
Brave New World by Aldous Huxley
Atlas Shrugged by Ayn Rand
The Road to Serfdom by F. A. Hayek
The Black Book of Communism, edited by Stephane Courtois
The Gulag Archipelago by Aleksandr Solzhenitsyn
The Abolition of Man by C.S. Lewis
The Magna Carta
Democracy in America by Alexis de Tocqueville
Common Sense by Thomas Paine
The Federalist Papers
The Anti-Federalist Papers
The Declaration of Independence
The Bill of Rights
The United States Constitution

Due to Popular Demand, IRS Introduces Taxpayer Earmarks

2009-04-14T07:20:00.006-04:00

WASHINGTON, DC -- (CNN -- Currency News Network) -- In a response to increasing public demand, the Internal Revenue Service is instituting a new policy in time for Tax Day 2009.

In a morning press conference, IRS spokeswoman Debi Torre stated, "This may seem insane, but it's no more insane than the rest of the illegible and, frankly, illogical if not incomprehensible tax code in general.

"Our new policy of tax earmarks allows the individual taxpayers to designate the specific government programs to which they wish their taxes to be directed. We're doing this in response to popular demand, as taxpayers are increasingly agitated about government earmarks. It seems only fair to give taxpayers a say (however tiny and insignificant) in where their own money goes. Early response to this pilot program has been very positive, with taxpayers eagerly wishing to fund pirate-shooting Navy SEALS while eagerly wishing to not fund government bailouts of automakers.

"Who knows? This program could work wonders for the increasingly irate American taxpayer. Then maybe the IRS won't be so darn unpopular. Let me tell you, April is horrible for my self-esteem, not to mention my posture, as I usually have to spend it hiding under my desk as enraged citizens besiege the office building, waving 1040 forms."

Government officials are already complaining about the new policy, claiming that they will be heavily hampered in their spending sprees by the wishes of the citizen taxpayers.

"Oh, it's horrible, horrible," said one senator, speaking to CNN on condition of anonymity. "This policy will force us to go cold turkey on some pork projects, and I don't know if we can handle exercising self-control. It's a totally foreign concept. Still, there is something even worse than being restrained. We could be held...I can hardly say the word!...accountable."

Cunning Government Plan Revealed: Stimulus Bill to Lay Foundation for New Clean Power Plants

2009-02-11T16:26:00.004-05:00

WASHINGTON, DC -- (CNN -- Catastrophe News Network) -- US Secretary of Energy Steven Chu in a press conference today unveiled the true purpose behind the economic stimulus bill that recently passed through Congress. Contrary to popular belief that this bill is intended to rescue the tanking US economy, the Department of Energy stated that it was actually part of an elaborate scheme to achieve American energy independence while expanding safe clean energy.

"As you know, " said Secretary Chu, "we are eager to explore new sources and uses of clean renewable energy while avoiding nuclear energy. We've studied and experimented with geothermal, hydroelectric, wind, and solar, but we're still not producing enough kilowatts from these sources. I am therefore happy to say now that we have found a reliable new energy source that does not produce the same pollution as power plants burning coal or oil and does not carry the radioactive risk of nuclear power facilities.

"The stimulus bill is actually the core of a new energy initative to produce electricity with clean plants fueled entirely by the steam coming from the ears of millions of angry American taxpayers. We have been delighted that we have already produced enough electricity to light up New York City for ten years with the national outrage over the stimulus bill.

"Even better, we know that we have a fully renewable energy source. Whenever the country has an energy shortage, we will simply hook up the taxpayers to the turbines, pass another huge pork-filled government spending bill or bailout or tax increase, and watch those turbines start to spin as the steam pours out of those citizens' ears. The angrier the taxpayer, the more steam he or she produces, and I am happy to report also that the taxpayer's capacity for anger is infinite. This is happily matched by the government's infinite ability to create infuriating spending policy. Our energy problems are solved."

World Leaders Text Obama: "OMG, UDM BFF!!! XOXOXO"

2008-11-06T19:59:00.008-05:00

WASHINGTON, DC -- (CNN -- Cyberspace News Network) -- As Barack Obama clinched the presidency of the United States in a decisive election victory, politicians around the world have been sending him their well wishes and congratulations.

Instead of using traditional modes of communication such as telephone or letter, however, this time world leaders are proving their technological savvy by taking up their BlackBerries and iPhones instead. President-elect Obama has been inundated by a flood of effusively congratulatory text messages. CNN is able to confirm that the majority of these texts contain one or more of the following words: "BFF!!!!," "OMG, "UDM," and "XOXOXOXO." The remaining 1% consisted solely of smiley-face emoticons.

These text messages are overall nearly identical to texts sent to Obama from members of the press.

US Congress in Rehab for OPM Addiction

2008-09-23T17:24:00.005-04:00

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- (CNN -- Currency News Network) -- After an intervention carried out by 300 million concerned, pitchfork-wielding citizens, the United States Congress has checked itself into the Betty Ford clinic for its OPM addiction.

Dr. Phil Goode, head of the medical team overseeing Congress' detox and rehab regimen, noted the severity of the case in a press conference. "I won't lie to you: Congress is in a very dangerous state. OPM is a hundred times more addictive than any other known drug, and OPM addiction is nearly impossible to cure once it has established a foothold in a politician's soul. Congress's plan for a $700 billion bailout is a desperate cry for help and one of the worst that I've seen; the OPM addiction is completely out of control."

OPM is the street name for the highly addictive substance "other people's money."

Animal Rights Activists Horrified as Mooseburger Mania Sweeps the Nation

2008-09-08T23:43:00.005-04:00

WASILLA, Alaska -- CNN -- (Culinary News Network) -- The recent meteoric rise of GOP vice-presidential candidate Sarah Palin of Alaska has yielded unintended consequences for American kitchens. The Alaskan governor's open affection for mooseburgers has spawned a nationwide craze for moose meat that has horrified animal rights activists.

Moose is classified as wild game, and therefore it is unavailable for sale according to US law. Eager consumers, however, are flocking to Maine, Alaska, and other moose habitats to hunt their own moose or even hire local hunters to harvest moose on their behalf.

PETA's main office has released "Moose Massacre Madness," a pamphlet condemning the rise in moose meat consumption. The pamphlet, featuring a Photoshopped image of a scowling, Rambo-like Palin mowing down a herd of cute cartoon moose with a blazing Kalashnikov, backfired, instantly becoming a hot collector's item among Palin fans. Immediately afterward and adding to PETA's chagrin, Governor Palin's office in Juneau released more of her favorite moose recipes, expanding the craze beyond mooseburgers to moose meatloaf, moose lasagna, and moose stroganoff. CNN has learned that the Food Network is now frantically filming a moosemeat special to capitalize on the current craze, while video game companies are following suit by creating first-person-shooter-type moose-hunting games.

An anonymous source in the Palin campaign confided to CNN: "We had no idea that Sarahcuda's mere recipes would have such an effect! It's like a dream: the moosemeat craze has reinvigorated good old-fashioned ideas like responsible gun ownership, private enterprise, capitalism, and rugged individualism -- plus a really great burger and the sheer wicked pleasure of driving PETA insane. What a great day to be GOP. God bless America, and please pass the ketchup."

"The Dark Knight" Pre-emptively Sweeps the Oscars

2008-07-16T08:04:00.007-04:00

HOLLYWOOD, California -- CNN -- (Celluloid News Network) -- In an unprecedented move, the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences has pre-emptively given all its 2008 Oscars to the upcoming film "The Dark Knight."

Academy spokesman Phil D. Weathervane explained, "While it is true that most members of the Academy have not yet even seen 'The Dark Knight,' we feel quite justified in giving it all upcoming Oscars. Why? Because the rabid fan base of the film says so and because the earliest reviews of the film have already hailed it as a masterpiece, a crime epic of gritty Scorsesean scale, a film so uncannily awesome that it transcends the boundaries of time and space, and the best thing since sliced bread. Look, Peter Travers himself says, and I quote, that it 'soars on the wings of untamed imagination'! If even Travers has turned into a sighing teenaged fangirl spewing out purple prose worthy of grocery-store pulp romances, then, heck, this thing must be the best film ever made in the history of mankind -- because the hype says so! It'll have you 'staggering from the theater, stunned by its scope and complexity'!

"Such examples of panting, swooning, utterly ludicrous hyperbole must be answered -- and, besides, like all brave Hollywood types, I can't bear the thought of being criticized by the fans. The initial call for a posthumous Oscar for Heath "Coulda Been...Marlon Brando" Ledger has now become a call for Oscars all around. Besides, to be perfectly honest, wouldn't you rather just have us give every Academy Award to the film now instead of subjecting you to a 4-hour televised ceremony later?"

"The Dark Knight," the Batman sequel starring Christian Bale, Heath Ledger, and Aaron Eckhart, has not yet been released for public viewing. It will be available nationwide on July 18.

Protesters Demand that Klingon be an Official Language of the CES

2008-01-07T13:26:00.000-05:00

LAS VEGAS, Nevada -- (CNN -- Cyborg News Network) -- The 2008 Consumer Electronics Show has opened in Las Vegas, but technology's grand annual event is not without controversy. A vocal group of unhappy technophiles has set up a protest outside the venue. Their demand: that Klingon be an official language of the CES. The CES's current language options are Chinese, English, French, Japanese, Korean, and Spanish.

"This is supposed to be a celebration of technology and the culture of technology," said protester Lorgh son of Rodek, though his driver's license identified the self-proclaimed Klingon commander as "Tom Phoolerie."

"The omission of the Klingon language is an insult to the high percentage of technophiles who are also Trekkies. To ignore this social and cultural reality is an insult to our honor that must be avenged by bat'leths if necessary-- I mean, is an omission that we find very distressing and counter to today's inclusive multicultural society."

Song "Let It Snow" Banned at Airports

2007-12-17T07:52:00.000-05:00

CHICAGO, Illinois -- (CNN -- Concourse News Network) -- The popular Christmas season song "Let It Snow! Let It Snow! Let It Snow!" has temporarily been banned from major airports in the Midwest and East Coast of the United States.

The seasonal ditty written in 1945, usually popular during this time of year, is now persona non grata after massive snowstorms brought air travel to a grinding halt in many American cities. Heavy snowfall and icy conditions have shut down runways and delayed or canceled hundreds of flights, leaving tens of thousands of unhappy travelers stuck in airports nationwide. Problems have ranged from missed connections to being stranded overnight at various unfamiliar locations.

In an attempt to manage the problem, FAA officials have struck "Let It Snow! Let It Snow! let It Snow!" from the radio airwaves at major airports. FAA spokewoman Blanca Nieves spoke to CNN via telephone, since weather conditions prevented CNN correspondents from interviewing Ms. Nieves personally.

"As a preventative measure in the interest of public order and public safety, we have decided to stop playing this song," said Ms. Nieves. "The last thing that thousands of frustrated travelers need is a cheerful reminder of why they're stuck for hours in crowded airports. We don't want riots to break out. Also, since many people may miss the holiday because of canceled flights, we're also asking airports not to play the song 'I'll Be Home for Christmas.'"

(This report filed by email from CNN reporters whose flight was canceled and who are currently sitting on the floor in an undisclosed concourse of Chicago O'Hare airport.)

Progressive Activists Demand that Hogwarts School Become a Wand-Free Zone

2007-07-13T17:49:00.000-04:00

HOGSMEADE, UK -- (CNN -- Charms New Network) -- Progressives, social activists, and peace protestors have demanded that Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry be officially designated a wand-free zone. Today, this coalition in favor of restricting the possession and usage of magical wands placed a full-page ad in the Daily Prophet, the main print news media source for the British wizarding community.

Spokeswitch Olivia Branch told CNN, "We absolutely want Hogwarts to be a wand-free zone. Wands are ultimately weapons and can cause injury and even death. We learned the terrible power of wands during You Know Who's reign of terror; we know as a fact that the Three Unforgivable Curses can be performed only with wands. Therefore, we believe that, in the interest of public safety, we must limit access to wands, especially at schools. Only in this way can we guarantee that schools will be safe. Children should be taught about wands, but we do not believe that they should have personal access. We are simply taking the logical next step to our esteemed colleague and supporter Professor Umbridge's innovative, progressive, and reform-minded approach. We must get away from our old-fashioned notions of violence as a solution to violence."

Professor Dolores Umbridge has stirred much comment upon her accession to the post of High Inquisitor of Hogwarts in addition to her duties as teacher of Defense Against the Dark Arts. In this class, she has spearheaded the effort to prioritize theoretical and historical approaches in the implementation of risk-free, controlled environments for dealing with Dark Arts according to carefully specified Ministry of Magic-approved educational protocols. Wands are put away during class sessions that employ strategies for increased reading and writing across the curriculum.

This initiative to ban wands from schools and other designated wand-free areas have met with fierce and vocal opposition from the National Wand Association. Spokeswizard Max Kaster insisted, "The banning of wands from any location means only that the unwanded people in those places will be absolutely vulnerable to attack if a threat comes onto the grounds. A wand-free location means that law-abiding witches and wizards will not possess wands. Do you think Volde -- I mean, You Know Who -- will meekly leave his wand at the school door if he decides to attack Hogwarts? Without wands, the teachers and students will be powerless -- they won't be able to defend themselves with even a simple Expelliarmus spell.

"Look, we might as well come to the grips with the reality that we live in a dangerous world and we have a responsibility -- nay, the duty -- to both warn our children about the dangers and to teach themselves how to protect themselves. Life is not a risk-free, controlled environment, and neither is it a wand-free zone. Pretending evil doesn't exist and then attempting to create artificial safety zones are not only useless but dangerous exercises in willful denial. I tell you now, if Hogwarts bans wands, I will pull my children out and my wife and I will home-school them personally in the defensive use of wands."

Note: at this moment in the interview, Ministry of Magic security personnel appeared and hustled Mr. Kaster away. Ministry official Percival Weasley then gave CNN a press release stating that all reports of You Know Who's return are lies propagated by unstable teenager Harry Potter and seditious former Hogwarts headmaster Albus Dumbledore.

Gaia Fails to Appear at Live Earth Concert

2007-07-07T15:00:00.000-04:00

NEW YORK CITY -- (CNN -- Carbon News Network) -- Live Earth concert planners were disappointed at the failure of Gaia to appear as scheduled at the concerts. The concerts, intended to raise awareness of global warming, are scheduled to take place in various cities around the globe.

Concert organizer Melody Singer said to CNN, " We had been hoping that Gaia would come as promised, since all this is for her. However, it seems that all the recent attention has turned this pristine primeval green deity into just another spoiled, selfish celebrity. Instead of heeding our bidding to come and threaten the world's billions of unrepentant carbon-emitting sinners with apocalyptic fire, she has failed to show up at all. Well, we'll show her. We don't need her anyway, that temperamental, ungrateful (deleted)."

CNN was able to locate Gaia at home in her posh Manhattan residence, where she spoke with CNN via phone.

"Dahling," said the green deity, "it's not that I am purposefully insulting the little Greenies and Gore's disciples. It's simply that I can't be bothered right now. Dahling, is the height of the summer swimsuit season, and I really am very busy. If I seem a bit warm, it's because -- truth be told -- I've been either sunbathing at the beach or visiting the tanning salon. You're a mere mortal male reporter -- you can't possibly understand how much work it takes, especially at my age, to look as good as I do."

When asked about the missed concerts, Gaia replied, "When you've been alive as long as I have, a concert isn't really such a big deal. I'm actually listening to all the music on my beautiful, brand-new iPhone. And anyway, look at all the crowds, the queues, the traffic, the porto-potties! No thank you. Plus, how can these Live Earth people really expect me to share the spotlight with all those rock stars? I refuse to play second fiddle to Madonna and Spinal Tap. I've never even met Al Gore. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm off to the beach."

Environmentalists Criticize Independence Day Pollution

2007-07-04T12:13:00.000-04:00

WASHINGTON, DC -- (CNN -- Carbon News Network) -- Leading environmentalists are complaining today that Independence Day celebrations contain too much red, white, and blue and not enough green.

In a press release this morning, spokesperson Bea Greene said, "The traditional ways with which the vast majority of Americans celebrate the Fourth of July are, in reality, dangerous sources of unnecessary pollution and carbon emissions. The historical hallmarks of the day, such as parades, cookouts and barbecue picnics, and of course, firework displays, are all environmentally destructive. We believe that by celebrating with these traditional methods, Americans are in fact being irresponsible polluters who will increase anthropogenic global warming and destroy the Earth. Therefore, we of the Al Gore Cult -- I mean, the environmental movement -- offer the following suggestions for a green, eco-conscious celebration.

1. Instead of grilling hamburgers, hot dogs, and other food items made from poor defenseless animals, eat raw sprouts, tofu, and granola. Grills and barbecues cause carbon emissions!

2. Cancel all parades. The cars, floats, and participants cause carbon emissions!

3. Stop celebrating America. Certainly, her technological achievements, industrial innovations, economic strength, and high standard of living are the envy of the world, but all these marks of modern America cause carbon emissions!

4. Cancel all fireworks displays. Fireworks cause massive carbon emissions! Instead, we suggest you watch 'An Inconvenient Truth' at home while eating your granola and lamenting the evils of the industrialized USA.

Thank you and may Gaia have mercy on your wicked pollutant-stained souls."

ICE Changes Name to "Amnesty International"

2007-05-21T12:20:00.000-04:00

WASHINGTON, DC -- (CNN -- Clemency News Network) -- In the wake of Congress's new immigration bill that will grant legal status to an estimated 12 million illegal immigrants, the U.S. Immigration and Customs Enforcement agency (ICE) has changed its name to "Amnesty International."

Although the name currently belongs to a well-known human rights advocacy group, the government agency has confidently assumed ownership of the title by invoking the right of eminent domain.

A spokeman from the group formerly known as Amnesty International told CNN that the human rights group will now call itself World Humanitarians Insisting on Narcissistic Edicts, abbreviated to "W.H.I.N.E."

"In any other case, we would sue any group that attempted to usurp the use of our original name," said Mona Griper. "But in this case, really, the name 'Amnesty International' is now much more appropriate for ICE than it is for us."

Oxford English Dictionary Will Include The Term "Nappy-Headed H*s"

2007-04-12T13:36:00.000-04:00

OXFORD, England -- (CNN -- Cacophony News Network) -- The editors of the Oxford English Dictionary, the lexicon that is the definitive record of the English language, have decided to include the term "nappy-headed h*s" in the next edition of the OED.

Oxford representative Paige Turner acknowledged that the OED staff has received some complaints about this decision.

"We do realize that, in light of the recent Don Imus kerfuffle, this phrase has negative, and indeed, racially pejorative and socially unacceptable connotations and denotations," said Ms. Turner. "Nevertheless, TV, print media and popular culture in general have been saturated with this phrase as everyone from newscasters and journalists to pundits, commentators, activists, and ordinary people, have been using it. Zounds, I wish had a ha'-penny for every time Al Sharpton uses this phrase. However insulting, however demeaning, this unfortunate term has become part of contemporary linguistic usage, and as such, it merits inclusion into the hallowed pages of the OED. If people would not keep using this phrase in endless repetition while criticizing the man who used it one time on the air, then we would not now be canonizing it in the OED."

In a separate response to criticism that the inclusion of "nappy-headed h*s" would degrade the gravitas of the OED, Ms. Turner replied, "Our business is the study of language in all its forms. Besides, I think we already destroyed our gravitas when we included the word 'bootylicious' a few years ago."

British Ex-Hostages to Star in Musical Reality Show "Iranian Idol."

2007-04-10T10:39:00.000-04:00

TEHRAN, Iran -- (CNN -- Chanteuse News Network) -- CNN sources inside the Iranian television establishment have confirmed rumors that the 15 recently detained British sailors and Marines will soon return to Iran to star in a musical reality show titled "Iranian Idol."

A top television executive, speaking on condition of anonymity, said, "This seemed the most logical, natural outcome of recent events. The remarkable readiness and apparent delight with which these 15 performed for our cameras proved that they are natural-born stars of reality television. My network has been airing the copious footage we shot during their captivity -- I mean, surprise vacation -- and the scenes of the Brits eating, confessing, playing ping-pong, begging for forgiveness, parading in fashionable new Iranian suits, and so forth have been excellent propaganda -- I mean, entertainment. The ratings have been fantastic! So, of course, the audience wants more and more! In fact, this is now a cash cow -- aside from cornering the Iranian TV market, we've been beaming the video all over the Arab world with great results."

The reality show format for the 15's return had been under some discussion. Before the official announcement was broadcast, early rumors suggested that they would star in "Survivor: Iraqi Waters, British Rules of Engagement,""Big Brother: Tehran Edition," or possibly "Iran's Next Top Model."

When asked why the 15 will star in "Iranian Idol," the source replied, "This is no surprise, surely! President Ahmadinejad has been wanting to be Iran's Simon Cowell, shooting off his mouth at every opportunity for an audience of millions. Besides, it was clear to me that the musical, emotive format of 'Iranian Idol' will be the perfect venue for our British hostages -- I mean, guests -- when they return. After all, when they were here previously, they were absolutely singing like canaries."

Mysterious Underground Tremors Halt Restoration of Saint Paul's Cathedral

2007-04-10T10:32:00.000-04:00

LONDON, UK -- (CNN -- Cathedral News Network) -- The ongoing restoration of London's iconic Saint Paul's Cathedral has been brought to an unexpected halt.

The restoration team first noticed unusual tremors in the crypt on March 23. Since that time, the subterranean disturbances have increased in intensity and frequency. Today St. Paul's announced that the multi-million-pound restoration effort will be suspended indefinitely or until the tremors cease.

A team of earthquake specialists has been brought into the basement and crypt to investigate. Chief geologist Professor Terra Firma told CNN, "We haven't found any geological explanation for the ongoing disturbances. There is no fault line, sinkhole, or any other geological formation that can explain the tremors. I can now confidently conclude that the cause is Nelson revolving in his grave."

Dutch Tulip Growers to Replace Traditional Bulbs with Fluorescent Alternative

2007-04-06T10:12:00.000-04:00

AMSTERDAM, Netherlands -- (CNN -- Crocus News Network) -- The EU's latest effort to combat carbon emissions has resulted in the capitulation of Dutch tulip growers.

The EU has recently decided to ban traditional incandescent light bulbs within two years, mandating that they be replaced with more energy-efficient fluorescent bulbs. The move comes as part of Brussels' ongoing efforts to fight anthropogenic climate change by reducing energy use and carbon emissions.

Dutch flower producers are unhappy with the ban, but in a press conference at Keukenhof, their spokeswoman Iris LeFleur announced their capitulation to increasing pressure from Brussels.

"We concede that our traditional tulip bulbs do indeed consume large amounts of energy and that when they decompose, they emit carbon. Furthermore, the global trade in tulips and other flower bulbs leaves a large carbon footprint since the bulbs are bought and sold worldwide and require numerous long-haul airline flights for transport.

"We will now begin a phased transition to replace all our traditional bulbs with fluorescent ones by the target date set by Brussels."

Agnostics Attack Atheists in Clash Over Non-Religion

2007-04-03T11:00:00.000-04:00

BOSTON, Massachuetts -- (CNN -- Credulity News Network) -- In an unusual twist to religious culture wars in America, a conflict of non-belief has erupted between fundamentalist groups of agnostics and atheists.

The clash occurred when both groups ran into each other while staging an anti-Christian protest outside a local church. Baffled Methodist witnesses told CNN that the atheists, many bearing placards proclaiming "There is No God," soon attracted the rage of the agnostics, many waving signs declaring "There's No Way To Know."

The fundamentalist atheists demanded an end to all religion, declaring the absolute absence of any deity. The fundamentalist agnostics demanded an end to all truth claims about the possibility of knowledge. Witnesses say a verbal confrontation ensued when the agnostics told the atheists that atheist claims of "There Is No God" were themselves making a religious truth claim based on absolute standards. The epistemological argument turned violent when atheists replied, "You don't know what the hell you're talking about...though of course, there is no such thing as hell." The agnostic reportedly shrieked "You can't know that as a certainty" before throwing the first punch.

About a dozen demonstrators from both groups were arrested for disorderly conduct and disturbing the peace, along with several bystanders who had been egging on the violence with shouts of "It's a heathen smackdown! Pagan payback time! Are you ready for a religious rumbleeeeeeeeee?"

The pastor of the local church stated to CNN that he and his congregation would be praying for the souls of both groups.

New Al Qaeda Tape Praises Congressional Iraq Withdrawal Bill, Criticizes "Unclean" Pork

2007-03-28T15:01:00.000-04:00

WASHINGTON, DC -- (CNN -- Craven News Network) -- After a long silence, the voice of elusive Al Qaeda leader Osama bin Laden has appeared again in a newly released audio tape. In it, bin Laden praises the recent Congressional bill for a timed U.S. withdrawal from Iraq, but he also criticized the amount of pork within the bill.

"I praise the merciful Allah that the infidel Crusaders, those friends of the sons of pigs and monkeys, have finally decided to flee before the might of my jihadist brothers. We hail this new Congressional bill and declare that someday soon Nancy Pelosi will look very nice in a burqa -- a blue one to match her constituency!

"Even so, my brothers and I would like to file a grievance against the heathen infidel Americans for offending our Muslim sensibilities. You oppress us with the sheer overwhelming amount of pork in this bill of surrender! Do you not know that the pig is an unclean beast? Not only have you emboldened us with your display of weakness, but you have offended us with pork! On both accounts we shall keep fighting harder than ever, you pig-dogs and Jew-lovers! I am forced to admit, though, that it has given our boys a much-needed shot in the arm because, frankly, I was beginning to worry that your 'surge' might actually be working. Thanks, Congress! Good night and Allahu Akbar."

Hollywood Studios Sue Iran's Ahmadinejad for Plot Plagiarism

2007-03-28T14:44:00.000-04:00

HOLLYWOOD, California -- (CNN -- Celluloid News Network) -- The powerful movie production companies MGM and United Artists have announced a lawsuit against Iranian president Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, alleging that he has plagiarized the plotline of the 1997 MGM-UA film, "Tomorrow Never Dies."

At the press conference at high noon, spokeswoman Juwanna Mann stated, "When the studio executives began learning about the current crisis between Iran and the UK, they noticed certain striking similarities. Granted, all our plot devices are so trite and old that some repetition is inevitable. However, one detail struck the MGM-UA leadership in particular -- the use of malleable coordinates and the manipulation of GPS systems.

"Why, in a recent Guardian news story, the following was clearly stated as part of the ongoing situation:

Britain's military said its vessels were 1.7 nautical miles inside Iraqi waters when Iran seized the sailors and marines on Friday.
Vice Adm. Charles Style told reporters that the Iranians had provided a position on Sunday - a location that he said was in Iraqi waters. By Tuesday, Iranian officials had given a revised position 2 miles east, placing the British inside Iranian waters - a claim he said was not verified by global positioning system coordinates.
``It is hard to understand a legitimate reason for this change of coordinates,'' Style said.
Style gave the satellite coordinates of the British crew as 29 degrees 50.36 minutes north latitude and 048 degrees 43.08 minutes east longitude, and said it had been confirmed by an Indian-flagged merchant ship boarded by the sailors and marines.

"Coordinates, shmoordinates! Anyone who has seen 'Tomorrow Never Dies' knows beyond any doubt that this is exactly the plot device we used to start a war under trumped-up circumstances in order to get mainstream media attention! In the film, we even started that war against -- hello! -- British sailors! We here in Hollywood are professional attention whores, Mahmoud! You've got to do better than this pitiful, derivative attempt if you want to play with the big boys. We give your latest attempt two thumbs way down.

"We therefore have filed a lawsuit charging Ahmadinejad with plot plagiarism."

Korean Scientists Successfully Clone Wolves, NC State University Sports Fans

2007-03-27T16:18:00.000-04:00

RALEIGH, North Carolina and SEOUL, South Korea -- (CNN -- Canine News Network) -- After recently unveiling two cloned wolves, Korean scientists have shocked the world with a second announcement.

In a news conference today, head scientist Dr. Kim Chee announced that his team has also successfully cloned the Wolfpack.

"Since we had invested so much time, money, effort, and energy into cloning wolves, we decided to take the logical step and clone a group of wolves. I confess, though, that my English translation was flawed. I translated 'pack of wolves' as 'Wolfpack.' We were all surprised when the laboratory produced a crowd of howling North Carolina State University sports fans."

Dr. Chee added, "It is very exciting to achieve this milestone in genetic research. Still, I'm getting just a little tired of the clones running through my laboratories singing the NCSU fight song over and over and over."

Jimmy Carter Offers to Mediate Between UK, Iran in Hostage Crisis

2007-03-26T11:43:00.000-04:00

Cretin News Network--Former U.S. President Jimmy Carter has taken a break from his book-promotion tour to make a public statement on the current hostage situation between Great Britain and Iran. Iranian forces seized 15 British naval personnel last week, a move highly criticized by various Western leaders.

In a press release, Mr. Carter expressed his wish for a peaceful resolution to the situation. He then offered to come out of retirement to mediate between London and Tehran. He cited his previous extensive experience with Iranian hostage situations, insisting that he had learned from history. "I won't send any helicopters this time," added Carter.

Disneyland Sues Denmark for Happiness Copyright Infringement

2006-07-28T16:03:00.000-04:00

ANAHEIM, California -- (CNN -- Cinderella News Network) -- The Walt Disney Company has today officially filed a lawsuit against Denmark, alleging that the diminutive Scandinavian nation has infringed Disney copyrights.

A recent study by the University of Leicester in the UK rated Denmark the happiest place on earth. While this maybe true in terms of Danes' outlook on life, the term "happiest place on earth" is the easily recognizable tagline in advertisements for Disneyland--a fact reflected even in United States postage stamps.

Disney is suing to stop Denmark from using the term "happiest place on earth" in any advertisements. Danish officials have yet issued no comment, though a source told CNN, "I'm sure tourists will be happier in Denmark -- we won't charge you $50 to come into a silly amusement park and take photos of people dressed like giant mice and ducks. "

A Disney spokesmouse in a phone interview told CNN: "Disneyland will protect its hotly contested title of 'happiest place.' If we have to, we will air-drop all our attorneys and law clerks into Denmark. That should put an end to their happiness rating once and for all."

L'Equipe Accuses Landis of Doping, Reports Endorphins and Adrenaline in Cyclist's Blood

2006-07-25T09:39:00.000-04:00

PARIS, France -- (CNN -- Cycling News Network) -- The Tour de France has barely ended, but already rumors are swirling in the air like the scent of cafe au lait in the morning. The French sports publication L'Equipe has printed an explosive accusation in its latest issue.

According to L'Equipe, the new Tour winner, American Floyd Landis, produced blood tests which contained unusual substances: endorphins and epinephrine, also known as adrenaline. These are substances not found in the blood of French cyclists.

Landis has denied all claims of doping. A spokesman for American cycling noted, "The only thing Landis tested positive for is having true grit and courage. L'Equipe, on the other hand, consistently tests positive for envy and being sore losers."

Last year, L'Equipe accused 7-time Tour winner Lance Armstrong of doping.

United Nations Frustrated with North Korea's Tantrums, Calls Supernanny

2006-07-06T13:27:00.000-04:00

NEW YORK CITY, NY -- (CNN -- Colic News Network) -- In the wake of North Korea's test-firing of seven missiles, the United Nations has been embroiled in discussions on how to deal with the rogue state. Analysts and pundits have widely speculated that the provocative act displays Kim Jong-Il's obsessive desire to gain attention.

A CNN source in the world body has now revealed that the UN, unable to reach consensus on drafting a resolution against Pyongyang, has decided to enlist outside assistance.

"Clearly, Security Council resolutions, strongly worded letters, and frowns and finger-shaking from Kofi Annan are useless against an egotistical attention hog like Kim," said the unnamed source. "Then I realized that Kim was behaving much like my 3-year-old child at home. He yells and screams and throws temper tantrums in order to get attention. Therefore, I have suggested a new tactic to my superiors at the UN, and they have decided to follow my recommendation."

CNN is able to confirm that the UN will call on the well-known televised British child expert, Jo Frost the Supernanny , to deal with Kim Jong-Il.

In a phone interview, Frost confirmed this new assignment and also stated, "I see we have a lot of work to do. I will have to train both Kim and the UN, since the UN has clearly failed in its role as parent and let the spoiled baby run wild without boundaries. This is the worst case of parental weakness I've seen in a long time."

Italian Football Trial Adjourned So Judges Can Watch World Cup

2006-06-29T15:19:00.000-04:00

ROME, Italy -- (CNN -- Cleat News Network) -- The trial of 4 Italian football clubs has been postponed until next week.

The official reason given is that legal representatives from Bologna, Lecce, Treviso, Brescia and Messina needed additional time to prepare their cases.

However, CNN sources inside Italy reveal that the trial has been adjourned so the judges and lawyers can watch the World Cup instead. Italy is scheduled to play against Ukraine on Friday's quarterfinal match.

Al-Mujaher Resigns from Al Qaeda

2006-06-13T12:44:00.000-04:00

BAGHDAD, Iraq -- (CNN -- Coalition News Network) -- In a surprising twist of events, the newly appointed head of Al Qaeda in Iraq, Abu Hamza al-Muhajer, has just resigned from the worldwide terrorist network.

This news was discovered in an intercepted email between Al-Muhajer and Al Qaeda leadership. In a long and rambling letter, Al-Muhajer listed a variety of reasons for resigning his commission, but he ended with his most pressing reason: he believes that the exalted-sounding position is in fact a dead-end job.

Al-Muhajer has since decided to take a lucrative position teaching Middle Eastern Studies at Yale, and he has signed a multimillion-dollar book contract with an undisclosed publishing house.

First Tropical Depression of 2006 Forms; Doctors Prescribe Zoloft

2006-06-10T14:24:00.000-04:00

MIAMI, Florida -- (CNN -- Cyclone News Network) -- The first tropical depression of the 2006 hurricane season has officially formed in the Caribbean. Tropical depressions are weather systems which may develop into tropical storms and then into proper hurricanes.

In response to the tropical depression, several eminent doctors have immediately prescribed Zoloft, a well-known medication for treating depression and anxiety disorders.

Dr. Sigmund Sang-Froid told CNN, "It is a known fact that weather can affect human emotions. See for instance, Seasonal Affective Disorder. However, the medical community has not considered that the weather itself may have emotions and therefore emotional disorders. We should have thought of this long ago -- I mean, the very name 'tropical depression' should have been a signal! This hurricane season we hope to bring all our clinical expertise to the previously ignored problem of weather emotions.

"As for this first tropical depression of the eason, I recommend Zoloft and weekly therapy sessions."

Oompa-Loompas and Christmas Elves Go on Crime Spree

2006-06-02T11:49:00.000-04:00

HERSHEY, PA -- (CNN -- Chocolate News Network) -- In an unexpected burst of criminal behavior, roving bands of Oompa-Loompas and Christmas elves have been rampaging on a nationwide crime spree.

Delinquent Oompa-Loompas, best known as the musical little people in Willy Wonka's magical candy factory, have joined with elf rebels from Santa Claus's North Pole toy workshop. As these bands roam across the nation, they are looting shops, burning cars, throwing Molotov cocktails at police, and engaging in various acts of vandalism, theft, and robbery.

CNN interviewed the district attorney of an undisclosed town which was hit by the rampaging bands. When CNN asked why no criminal charges were being filed against the Oompa-Loopas or the elves, D.A. Justine Blinder only shook her head.

"I would very much like to file charges in court against these criminals," said Ms. Blinder. "But there is now a legal precedent which says the defendants, if convicted, cannot be sent to prison because they are too short to go to jail. Even if we take them to court, even if they are convicted of their crimes, they still would not go to jail. What's the point then of spending taxpayer money to take them to court?"

At this point, CNN was forced to end the interview as a fresh wave of Oompa-Loompas and elves attempted to set fire to the CNN news satellite truck while yelling "Nyah nyah nyah, can't send us to jail! Nyah nyah nyah!"

Anti-Globalization Protesters Disrupt Celebration of Rome's Foundation

2006-04-21T16:05:00.000-04:00

ROME, Italy -- (CNN -- Centurion News Network) -- Today's celebration of the founding of Rome on April 21, 753 BC, was disrupted by protests and demonstrations.

Large numbers of protesters clashed with celebrants in the Eternal City. Each year Rome marks the traditional day of its foundation nearly 3000 years ago with various events and fireworks. This year, however, the empire was embarrassed by the anti-imperial protesters who rallied in the center of Rome, holding signs such as "No Blood for Olive Oil!", "Rome Out of Britannia!", "Free Gaul from Roman Oppression!", "Caesar = Hitler!", "Roman Justice Is Judicial Murder," and "Hadrian's Wall Is An Illegal Land Grab From Oppressed Impoverished Picts!"

The most heated demonstration took place outside the newly reopened Ara Pacis, or Altar of Peace, built and dedicated by the emperor Augustus. The archaeological artifact and its new museum home were unveiled today in the Eternal City, to coincide with the birthday of Rome.

CNN was able to interview Max Moaner, one of the organizers of the protest.

"Altar of Peace?" he yelled, shaking his placard at the Ara Pacis building. "Peace? Rome did bring an end to unrest in the empire, but at the cost of thousands of gallons of blood! German, Celtic, Gallic, barbarian blood spilled for Rome! Yes, there were rebellions -- yes, people like Mithridates, Boudicca, and Arminius killed tens of thousands of Romans, including civilians. But they were freedom fighters!"

"What has Rome ever done for us?" he concluded. "Aside from aqueducts, roads, infrastructure, legal systems, public safety and security, firefighting units, schools, baths, art, literature, technological advances, transportation, and commercial prosperity, what has Rome ever done for us? Rome is an oppressive imperial power, a force of globalization, , built by crushing the precious diversity of local primitive tribes! Romanes eunt domus!"

The Fable of the Ant and the Grasshopper, French/EU-Style!

2006-04-15T07:38:00.000-04:00

The following satire comes courtesy of the bloggers at No Pasaran. What would happen if you took the traditional story of the ant and the grasshopper and put it into the context of modern Euro-socialism and cultural silliness? Here's one answer! (By the way, the grasshopper is called a "cicada" in the satire, but the spirit of the story remains the same.) The traditional story is a lesson in the the need to work hard and live responsibly. The new version is, well . . . Enjoy!

=============================================
Traditional Version:

The ant works hard all summer in the heat. She builds her house and prepares provisions for the winter. The cicada thinks that the ant is stupid, and laughs, dances and plays all summer long. Once winter arrives, the ant is warm, cozy in her home and well fed. The cicada has neither food nor shelter and freezes to death.

THE END

=============================================
French Version:

The ant works hard all summer in the heat. She builds her house and prepares provisions for the winter. The cicada thinks that the ant is stupid, and laughs, dances and plays all summer long. Once winter arrives, the ant is warm, cozy in her home and well fed. The freezing cicada organizes a press conference and asks why the ant has the right to the heat and to be well nourished while the others less lucky as her are cold and hungry.The television networks organize broadcasts which show the cicada suffering in the cold and cuts to the video of the ant in her warm, comfortable little home, her table full with provision.The French are struck that, in such a rich country, one allows this poor cicada to suffer while others live in abundance. Anti-poverty organizations demonstrate in front of the ant’s house. Journalists organize interviews asking why the ant became rich on the back of the cicada and challenge the government to increase ant’s taxes so that she pays her "fair share".

In response to a poll, the government writes an economic equality law and a (retroactive) law on anti-discrimination. The taxes of the ant are increased and the ant receives also a reprimand for not having helped the cicada.The house of the ant is repossessed by authorities because the ant can’t pay her fines and taxes. The ant leaves France to settle successfully in Switzerland.The television networks report on the now fat cicada. He’s finishing the last of the ant’s provisions although spring is still far off. The ant’s old house become social housing for the cicada, decaying for lack of maintenance. Appeals are made to the government due to the lack of means. A commission is set up, which will commit 10 million euros. The cicada dies of an overdose.

Libération and L'Humanité comment on the government’s failure to take seriously the problem of social inequality. A gang of immigrant spiders are then found squatting in the house. The government is pleased with this display of multicultural diversity in France. The spiders start trafficking marijuana and terrorizing the community.

THE END

EU Bans Terrorism

2006-04-12T10:37:00.000-04:00

BRUSSELS, Belgium -- (CNN -- Collective News Network) -- In a surprising move today, the European Union has officially banned terrorism.

In a press briefing, EU spokeman Jacques Autruche said, "We in the EU have already banned the use of the words 'Islamic terrorism' in our discussions. We did this initially because we did not wish to radicalize more violent jihadist Muslim . . . er, radicals.

"In our discussions, we then decided that if we are going to ban the use of the word 'terrorism,' then we should go ahead and ban terrorism altogether in the EU. This will immediately solve our security problems, since the EU believes firmly in the power of government to regulate all matters and also to decree arbitrarily the welfare of our citizens.

"This is exactly what we have done. We will not spend our time and effort on things as trivial and -- ahem -- gauche and Anglo-American as security measures, law enforcement officers, intelligence services, and self-defense capabilities. No, we have simply banned terrorisme, and we expect that this will solve the problem once and for all in Europe.

"Furthermore, any future terrorist acts will result in a heavy fine imposed by the EU on the guilty party. We expect this tactic will work as well as EU fines have worked on our own misbehaving member nations."

Borders Bookstores to Ban All Cookbooks Containing Pork Recipes

2006-03-31T15:19:00.000-05:00

NEW YORK CITY, New York -- (CNN -- Chef News Network) -- The major American bookstore chain Borders has announced that it will no longer sell cookbooks that contain recipes for pork.

Borders spokeman Bay Connereggs stated to CNN, "We absolutely respect our customers' right to choose what they wish to read and buy and we support the First Amendment. And we absolutely support the rights of cooks everywhere to cook pork, and we support chefs everywhere to write cookbooks with recipes for pork dishes. We've just chosen not to carry those cookbooks in our stores any longer. We are doing out out of cultural sensitivity and respect for Islam -- we do not want to offend any religious Muslims, since they consider pork to be an unclean thing."

This is the second time in recent memory that Borders has banned publications because of concerns over Muslim backlash and violence. The bookstore chain has also refused to sell the magazine Free Inquiry because its latest issue contains the controversial Danish cartoons of Muhammad.

Miss Connereggs declined to answer CNN's question why Borders had not previously banned pork recipes out of concern for religious Jews, who also consider pork to be unclean.

Borders is also facing a lawsuit from the National Pork Board, a group of American pork producers and promoters. They claim that Borders' voluntary ban of pork cookbooks is a biased and specified attack on their particular meat industry and that Borders' act could have negative effects on the pork industry.

Ivy League Officially Changes Name to "Academistan"

2006-03-31T10:55:00.000-05:00

NEW YORK CITY, New York -- (CNN -- Campus News Network) -- The Ivy League, the most prestigious association of universities in the United States, has announced its intention to change its official name to "Academistan."

The decision was announced this morning by Ivy League spokesprofessors Ivee Tower and Ives Ori-Tour. The professors read a prepared statement which stated: "In light of recent and heavily publicized events, we of the Ivy League have decided that we can no longer deny the essential truth of our nature and our loyalties and sympathies. Ivy League members have in recent days made this clear to the greater world. We will not deny these events, and we will not criticize, curtail, or debate them.

"Open debating about controversial ideas is expressly forbidden on our elite campuses, and we will not tolerate any dissent on this most precious issue. Any deviation from campus orthodoxy will be crushed. We will cotinue to spread our message and convert as many people to our point of view as we can. Consider it our sacred mission in the ongoing culture wars. As a declaration of our pride in our identity, our total confidence in our elite superiority, and our complete refusal to engage with other opinions, we therefore announce that we are officially changing our name to Academistan."

The recent events of which the professors spoke have sparked debate and controversy both on and off campus. These include Columbia University inviting Libyan dictator Gaddafi to speak about democracy and Yale University welcoming a former Taliban spokeman as a student and also refusing to engage in open debate on this issue. Harvard University, self-proclaimed leader of the Ivy League, has three events to Yale and Columbia's single actions. Harvard has recently driven off its president who challenged campus ideological orthodoxy, accepted $20 million from a Saudi prince to establish an Islamic studies program, and published a research paper that feeds Zionist conspiracy theories.

The spokesprofessors also announced the the former Ivy League will consider admitting new members to Academistan. The first candidate for inclusion is New York University, which recently crushed free speech and censored a debate on the Danish Muhammad cartoons.

Currently Academistan consists of the following campuses: Brown, Columbia, Cornell, Dartmouth, Harvard, Princeton, the University of Pennsylvania, and Yale.

The press conference ended with the spokesprofessors displaying school T-shirts emblazoned with the new Academistan logo ("the sword of clear, incisive conviction piercing the closed book of discredited Enlightenment dogma"), along with a new collection of burqas available in school colors.

Rice: Terrorists Want "Ring of Fire" along with The One Ring

2006-03-17T15:05:00.000-05:00

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- (CNN -- Charcoal News Network) -- US Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice recently declared that terrorists wanted to turn Southeast Asia into what she called "a ring of fire."

Secretary Rice has since amended her statement by adding that Islamist terrorists will not be content only with such a "ring of fire." They are also searching for the One Ring, warned Ms. Rice.

In a follow-up press conference, Rice reiterated the danger that terrorism poses to the global community. "These extremists will stop at nothing to achieve their goals," she said. "Aside from seeking to acquire dirty bombs, IEDs, and weapons of mass destruction, various intelligence services have found that Al Qaeda is also seeking the Ring of Sauron."

The One Ring is commonly thought to possess mystical powers capable of subjugating all who oppose it. Its famous inscription reads: "One Ring to rule them all, One Ring to find them, One Ring to bring them all and in the darkness bind them."

"Terrorists desire a ring of fire, and it is common knowledge that the One Ring shows its engraved words only when it is placed into fire. Coincidence? I think so. Also, consider the words 'in the darkness bind them,' and compare it with bin Laden's and Zawahiri's rants about establishing a global caliphate based on Talibanesque rule. If that's not darkness, I don't know what is."

The One Ring, however, is claimed by its original owner, Sauron of Mordor. Mr. Sauron gave a press briefing of his own, stating: "The ring is rightfully mine, and I offer a reward for anyone who can locate it. It is a family heirloom of extreme sentimental value, and I do not want it to fall into the hands of Al Qaeda. That would spoil my own plans for total global domination, a goal for which I've worked for years. Get your own Ring, bin Laden, you upstart johnny-come-lately. I've been plotting world tyranny since before you were even born! If you have my ring and refuse to return it, I will send my Nazgul after you. I don't care how good you are at hiding in caves in Afghanistan -- you can't outrun my flying dragons."

The current location of the One Ring is unknown, though CNN has found unconfirmed reports that it is in the possession of two unknown hobbits. Security analysts speculate that if Al Qaeda and the forces of Sauron ultimately end up fighting over possession of the One Ring, this may give the hobbits enough time to destroy the Ring.

Minority Ova File Discrimination Lawsuit Against Egg Donation Seekers

2006-03-17T09:44:00.000-05:00

NEW YORK CITY, New York -- (CNN -- Cuckoo News Network) -- Today in a groundbreaking case, a group of minority human ova filed a class-action lawsuit against organizations and individuals seeking egg donors. In recent years, the trend of infertile couples seeking egg donors has increased greatly. Some of the couples seeking donors have been specific as to the racial or ethnic background of prospective donors. The minority ova allege that this is racial discrimination.

In a press conference, the spokes-ovum, Petri Dysshe, announced the lawsuit and took questions from journalists as he/she floated in a glass test tube.

"We demand equal access to seekers of egg donation. Discrimination against fully developed humans on the basis of race or ethnicity has been declared wrong and immoral in civilized social circles. The bias against minority ova is a natural consequence of this. For instance, an Asian ovum may meet all the other specifications of an egg seeker's request: it has no history of genetic disorders, for instance, or it is produced by a woman with a record of high academic performance. But if the egg seekers desire a white ovum to produce a white baby to match the parents' racial background, they can summarily and arbitrarily reject this qualified ovum out of hand, simply because it is of a minority race. This is a gross injustice."

Mr./Miss Dysshe was then asked whether this lawsuit would cause controversy by implying that human tissue yet unborn are to be considered persons -- and therefore adding fuel to the already raging debate over abortion and stem cell research.

The spokes-ovum replied, "My fellow ova and I are proceeding with the lawsuit regardless of opposition. We are interested in the bedrock principle, the idea that racial discrimination is inherently evil and wrong. If anyone out there wishes to contest us, then he or she can kiss my butt -- once I'm joined with a sperm, then proceed through the stages of being a zygote, embryo, and fetus, and actually develop a real, physical butt, of course."

France's de Villepin Writes Poetry Amid Student Protests

2006-03-12T10:45:00.000-05:00

PARIS, France -- (DNN -- Derrida News Network) -- French prime minister Dominique de Villepin has just published his latest book of poetry, an 800-page work glorifying liberté, egalité, fraternité, escargots, and the superiority of French hairdressers.

At the gala champagne reception he hosted last night to celebrate the publication, Mr. de Villepin appeared unaware of the mass student protests currently sweeping Paris. Parisian police yesterday stormed the Sorbonne University, which was occupied by angry student protesters unhappy about de Villepin's proposed labor reforms.

When informed of the student uprising, de Villepin replied, "Oui? Zis student revolt, eet eez very . . . romantique, no? Zee barricades, zee youthful faces, zee smell of revolution against the ruling elite! Ah, eet eez like my own youth and zee days of 1968! Zee young idealists battling zee forces of zee police and zee cold uncaring establishment, how eet fires zee imagination! I must write more poésie on zis topic immediately. And shall we join zem, zese romantic protesters?"

When informed that he was himself the elite government official whom the students were denouncing, Mr. de Villepin expressed shock and surprise. So great was the shock that he even ran his hands despairingly through his hair, thus endangering both his manicure and his coiffure.

"My youth, my jeunesse, where 'as eet gone? Mon Dieu! . . . " Then the prime minister suddenly looked up. "Wait, wait! Quickly, give me pen and paper -- I shall write an impassioned poem about the agonie of age, the futility of life, the defeat of beauty by time!"

Student protest leaders remain angry, and it is not clear whether more demonstrations will take place.

Note: DNN's previous and related report, "France's de Villepin Denies that Riots Occurred or that His Poetry Sucks."

European Union Chooses Dr. Frankenstein as New Leader

2006-03-08T11:49:00.000-05:00

BRUSSELS, Belgium -- (CNN -- Constitution News Network) -- In a surprise vote today, the elite bureaucrats and functionaries of the European Union have chosen Dr. Victor Frankenstein as their new leader. The move is intended to breathe new life into attempts to revive the stalled Constitution of the EU, which failed spectacularly in votes held in France and the Netherlands last year. All member nations of the EU must ratify the constitution in order for it to take effect; its rejection by even one member state spells the failure of the overall project. The constitutional treaty has been languishing since that time, though a significant number of EU elites are attempting to resurrect it.

In a press briefing, EU spokeswoman Olive Liv Agen-Eegorr announced the election of Frankenstein and commented, "He is the perfect man for the job. He has extensive experience in reviving the seemingly unrevivable. Besides, he is clearly part of the educated elite class of Western Europeans who consider themselves beyond the limitations of the common grubby man, and, furthermore, he is Swiss. What more can you ask for?"

Dr. Frankenstein, a native of Geneva, is expected to take office by the end of the summer. In a written statement, the doctor expressed his delight at being selected as the latest EUrocrat and noted, "It will be my pleasure and honor to revive the constitution. I will make it live . . . LIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIVE!!!!!! Ahem, er, in the fullest spirit of democracy, of course. Thank you."

Everybody Boycotts Everything; Feminists Demand Name Change to "Personcott"

2006-02-22T11:06:00.000-05:00

HOLLYWOOD, California -- (CNN -- Copycat News Network) -- The latest, hottest trend in global affairs these days is officially the Boycott. The recent Arab boycotts of Danish goods following the cartoon controversy has brought the tactic of boycotting into the news spotlight, and now many others have embraced it for their own causes. Boycotting, in other words, is hot.

Within the last few days, the now-trendy tactic of boycotting has swept the globe. From angry movie fans threatening to boycott the next James Bond film to irate Catholics calling for a boycott of "South Park" in New Zealand, the world has jumped on the boycott bandwagon with gusto. Other recent examples -- among many -- include a proposed German boycott of an anti-American film and a suggested Arab boycott of the Knesset elections in Israel.

Social researchers say that boycotting, like most other trends, crazes, and fads, will soon fade into obscurity. Professor Ima Follower of Nerdville University, in her recent article on social patterns, said, "Boycotting is fashionable right now, but by next season it will be blase, passe, and 'sooooooo last season.' It will be duller and less exciting than last year's Valentino. I suggest that once the trend passes, participants will be embarrassed that they ever took part. Remember the Macarena dance craze from 10 years ago? Does anybody now ever admit to participating?"

Radical feminist groups, however, are unhappy with the boycotting trends and especially with the very term "boycott." They have recently issued a press release demanding that the name be changed to the non-gender-specific, politically correct "personcott."

Top Indian Officials Announce Moratorium on All Outsourcing from France

2006-02-16T10:57:00.000-05:00

New Dehli, INDIA -- (CNN -- Curry News Network) -- Top Indian leadership has announced a moratorium on all French outsourcing to India. In light of the recent international friction between India and France, Indian authorities have decided to halt its participation in French-based outsourcing enterprises.

"Our history of welcoming outsourced business from the West has clearly come back to bite us," said official Anuthasongweewill Singh. "Our citizens have eagerly taken up positions doing all kinds of things for foreign firms. In fact, when some Westerners think of the very words 'outsourcing for cheap labor,' they think of our glorious nation and our economic potential.

"But France's recent effort to outsource more than 30 tons of asbestos to India has crossed a line. There are limits to our outsourcing participation. From now on, France will have to dispose of its own toxic old warships. Furthermore, while the moratorium lasts, French companies will also have to answer their own phone calls from irate, ignorant customers. No more Mister Nice Guy -- outsourcing partners have standards too."

The asbestos-laden French warship which began the international row, the Clemenceau, is heading back to France. Indian religious leaders, in an unexpected move that reinforced the assessment of Indian health inspectors, earlier today officially declared the asbestos "untouchable."

When asked about the moratorium and a potential loss of jobs in India, Mr. Singh insisted that this was not a problem. "Heavens, no," he told CNN. "We have already found other positions in outsourcing -- answering calls for American computer companies. The only thing toxic about them is customers who are too lazy to RTFM."

Editor's Note: At this point in the interview, Mr. Singh was suddenly joined by a company of attractive young men and women dressed in bright outfits, who began to dance in intricate patterns while singing about computer tech support.

Canada Announces Fees for Cold Front Exports to U.S.

2006-02-08T11:00:00.000-05:00

Ottawa, CANADA -- (CNN -- Celsius News Network) -- Canada has announced that it will now charge the United States for its use of cold Canadian air during the winter months. Historically, cold fronts originating in Canada have regularly swept into the U.S. free of charge, but now things are about to change.

During a press conference this morning, Canadian government spokeswomen Bea Verr-Hunter explained. "For decades now -- centuries, even -- we Canadians have provided our southern neighbor the United States with plentiful free cold fronts and chilly weather during the winter. In fact, along with maple syrup and hockey players, cold fronts comprise one of Canada's major exports.

"This is a fact which the Americans have never disputed. On weather forecasts all over the U.S. during the winter, meterologists are forever talking about the arrival of the next cold front or cold air mass from Canada. One type of this export has even been given a name: the Alberta Clipper.

"But it has come to our attention that instead of embracing, welcoming, or appreciating Canada's gifts of free cold fronts, the American public constantly complains about our weather largess. Every time we send a cold front to the U.S., Americans complain. We Canadians have no choice now but to charge fees for our product. Perhaps the Americans will better appreciate cold weather more when they have to pay for it. And, after all, what is winter without Canadian cold fronts? No winter at all, frankly."

The Canadian government also announced that it will post more members of the Royal Canadian Mounted Police at the U.S.-Canadian border to prevent the illegal smuggling of cold air from Canada into American territory. Aside from providing tangible law enforcement, the presence of the mounted troops is thought to destroy any illegal shipments of cold fronts, since a large segment of female opinion maintains that many of the so-called "Mounties" are hot and would therefore melt any such shipments by their presence.

The American government has responded to the new Canadian weather tax by calling on the extreme northern state of Alaska to increase production of cold war for the rest of the nation.

Islamic Extremists Issue Fatwas Against Legos, Pastries, Dogs, and Actress Claire Danes

2006-01-31T23:06:00.000-05:00

Copenhagen, DENMARK -- (CNN -- Cartoon News Network) -- The increasing global controversy over the recent publication of Danish cartoons depicting Mohammed has produced a set of new fatwas from extremist clerics. The fiery imams, from an undisclosed location in Jihadistan, issued fatwas condemning not only the cartoons and the artists who drew them, but also everything Danish or perceived to be Danish. The new set of fatwas specifically called for action against Lego toy bricks, all forms of Danish pastries, the Great Dane breed of dog, and even acclaimed American actress Claire Danes.

In a written statement accompanying the new slate of decrees, the imams declared,"We can't tell one infidel from another anyway, so we issue fatwas against anything and anyone that even seems remotely Danish to us! Crush them all and let Allah sort them out. We may reconsider the Legos, though, if we can find way to make them into IEDs."

CNN was able to reach Salman Rushdie via telephone for comment. Rushdie's novel The Satanic Verses prompted a famous fatwa and death warrant to be issued against him by Iranian then-leader the Ayatollah Khomeini in 1989. Said Rushdie: "I am very sorry to see that the same thing is happening to the Danes that happened to me. Be it freedom of artistic expression in novels or baked goods, extremists seek to crush it. Actually, I ate a delicious cheese Danish this morning for breakfast, with a cup of coffee. So, I am expecting a new fatwa against me to be issued at any moment. Two-for-one special on infidels, no?"

Meanwhile in Hollywood, Ms. Danes and famous Great Dane canine actor Scooby Doo have gone into seclusion and hired more bodyguards.

Canada Votes for Conservatives; Expat Leftist Americans Prepare to Flee

2006-01-24T10:55:00.000-05:00

OTTAWA, Canada -- (CNN -- Canadian News Network) -- Twelve years of Liberal rule in Canada ended with the election victory of Stephen Harper and the Conservatives. An unexpected consequence of this political realignment has been the sudden displacement of a number of American expatriates who had moved to Canada to avoid what they considered the overly-conservative America of U.S. President George W. Bush.

CNN interviewed Mona Griper, leader of one such expat association in Quebec. "We must again go into voluntary political exile," she said, as she packed her luxury SUV full of her belongings. "After the 2004 election, we came here to Canada because it was a Liberal haven. We came specifically to Quebec because it was French, for goodness sake! How much more anti-Bush can you get? But we have been sorely disappointed. Canada voted for the Conservatives. Even Quebec voted for them! We have to leave."

Ms. Griper further complained, "Soon there be nowhere left in the world for people like us. We refuse to live in Bush's America. But now we're shut out of Britain, Australia, Germany, and now our old reliable Canada has turned to the Dark Side! The world is turning into a place full of tax-cutting, crime-fighting, democracy-preaching, America-friendly, right-wing extremist nutjob neocons! Bush! Blair! Howard! Merkel! Now Harper!"

The CNN interview ended as Ms. Griper and her fellow expats ceremonially burned a large pile of Canadian hockey equipment. This act of symbolic defiance against Canadian icons produced an unintended result, as native Canadians of all political parties suddenly converged on the bonfire and proceeded to calmly and politely unite against the expatriates by singing "O Canada," extinguishing the flames with maple syrup, and diving into the fire to rescue the hockey equipment.

"See!" shouted Ms. Griper. "This is what happens to free speech in Harper's Bushlike Canadian hell! No blood for oil! Israel out of Palestine!"

One unnamed Canadian managed to stuff Ms. Griper into her SUV, saying as he did so: "Don't let the border crossing hit you on the butt on your way out of Canada, eh!"

Historians Accuse Hillary Clinton of Ignorance About Plantations

2006-01-19T09:22:00.000-05:00

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- (TNN -- Tara News Network) -- New York Senator Hillary Rodham Clinton has caused a controversy by referring to the majority-Republican House of Representatives as a "plantation."

Senator Clinton compared the 435-member legislative body to the the large farms utilizing mass black slave labor before slavery was abolished in the United States; the word "plantation" is still an extremely emotionally loaded term.

Today, a group of professional academics and historians has joined the chorus of critics. But whereas most of the Senator's critics condemn her for playing the race card, the academics have a different complaint. In their press release, the group Historians of America for Historical Accuracy (HAHA) complained that Senator Clinton was misrepresenting the historical facts of the plantation.

HAHA spokesperson Professor I. Voree Tower summarized the historians' complaint: "Senator Clinton compared the modern-day American House of Representatives to the antebellum Southern plantation. This is a gross misrepresentation of history! Plantation slaves most certainly did not engage in any form of representative government, free elections, expensive private housing in exclusive Washington neighborhoods, or Congressional recesses for the holidays. Plantation slaves were considered property. They manifestly did not ever introduce legislation into any assembly, nor did they have an opportunity to form political parties or participate in democratic action."

Plantations in America ended in large part with the final abolition of slavery by the victory of the Union troops in the American Civil War and by the 1863 Emancipation Proclamation by Abraham Lincoln, the US's first Republican president.

New Orleans Mayor to Join Food Network; Nagin-Torres Smackdown Expected

2006-01-17T12:17:00.000-05:00

NEW ORLEANS, Louisiana -- (CNN -- Cajun News Network) -- New Orleans mayor Ray Nagin has announced that he will be hosting a new cooking show on the popular cable channel the Food Network.

In a news briefing this morning, Nagin commented, "This new cooking show is the unexpected result of my recent statement on the 'chocolate' nature of my city. I am, of course, delighted to take my chocolate recipe to a wider audience. As I said previously,

"How do you make chocolate? You take dark chocolate, you mix it with white milk, and it becomes a delicious drink. That is the chocolate I am talking about. New Orleans was a chocolate city before Katrina. It is going to be a chocolate city after. How is that divisive? It is white and black working together, coming together and making something special."

Nagin has received some criticism for stating that New Orleans was and should be again a black majority city -- in his words, "chocolate." In a speech delivered yesterday on Martin Luther King, Jr. Day, Nagin stated: "This city will be chocolate at the end of the day. This city will be a majority African-American city. It's the way God wants it to be."

God could not be reached for comment.

CNN was instead able to reach Food Network's reigning chocolate expert, Jacques Torres, in a phone interview. Mr. Torres was not pleased about Nagin's being hiring to be his potential TV rival.

"If Monsieur Nagin wants a chocolate war, zen I will be tres happy to geev eet to heem," said Torres. "He'll see zat my confections can run circles around heez pathetically amateurish hot chocolate recipe. Maybe I will make my desserts out of white chocolate. I will show Nagin and zee world that I am not called Meester Chocolat for nothing."

Iran plans 'small scale' uranium enrichment, 'teeny tiny' bomb

2006-01-10T10:43:00.000-05:00

LONDON, England -- (CNN -- Curie News Network) -- Contrary to its prior statements, Iran plans to begin the 'small scale' enrichment of uranium, IAEA head Mohamed ElBaradei announced today.

"Well, previously we did say that the world was losing patience with Iran," said the top man of the UN's nuclear watchdog agency. "I think the Iranians took it the wrong way since they've decided to speed up their uranium project. It might have something to do with the fact that I made the announcement in High Excremental Diplomatese and not any intelligible real language. Something got lost in translation apparently, since all our interpreters were off moonlighting as Nicole Kidman lookalikes."

The UN Iranian delegation spokeman Mohamed Bin Bombingaway al Kufrs did not hold a press briefing, but did release a brief statement. "Tehran wishes to assure the world and the UN that there is no need for increased monitoring and scrutiny of our nuclear ambitions. We are planning only a 'small scale' amount of uranium enrichment, since we want only a 'teeny tiny' nuclear bomb. We don't need a big, huge bomb to wipe Israel off the map -- a tiny Zionist entity needs only a tiny nuclear weapon, after all."

"Sound of Music" Songwriters Sue Rose Parade for Copyright Infringement

2006-01-02T23:27:00.000-05:00

PASADENA, California -- (FNN -- Floral News Network) -- The rain was not the only misfortune which befell this year's Tournament of Roses Parade in Pasadena, California. This New Year's tradition, now celebrating its 117th year, took place amid rain showers this morning. A lawsuit has been filed against the parade by the heirs of famed songwriters Rodgers and Hammerstein. The suit alleges that the parade infringed on the copyright of the Rodgers and Hammerstein song "My Favorite Things," from the musical motion picture "The Sound of Music."

In a press conference this morning, lawyer Melody Kant-Singer detailed the terms of the lawsuit. "The heirs of Rodgers and Hammerstein are most unhappy with the Rose Parade," she said. "If you consider the parade and how it was staged in the rain, you can clearly see the copyright infringement. The lyrics of 'My Favorite Things' runs as follows in the first stanza:

Raindrops on roses and whiskers on kittens
Bright copper kettles and warm woolen mittens
Brown paper packages tied up with strings
These are a few of my favorite things.

Notice the very first words: 'raindrops on roses.' What did we see this morning all over Pasadena? Raindrops on roses. Coincidence? I think not."

The organizers of the Tournament of Roses Parade released a written statement soon after, stating: "We regret that unpredictable weather inconvenienced the participants and spectators of the 117th annual parade. We give our thanks to all the hardworking and long-suffering people who helped make this annual celebration of beauty take place. As regards the lawsuit, we regret that the lawyers want to rain on our parade. We have hired our own team of attorneys, and the Rodgers and Hammerstein legal team will soon find that our roses have thorns."

NY Times Journalists Strike in Solidarity with Chinese Counterparts; Nobody Notices

2005-12-30T15:45:00.000-05:00

NEW YORK CITY, NY -- (CNN -- Circulation News Network) -- The New York Times has suffered recent setbacks in popularity among readers. Facing allegations of bias, ideological prejudice, and sloppy journalism, most famously in the recent stories of Judith Miller and Jayson Blair, the "Gray Lady" has faced tough times and steadily declining readership.

Therefore this week, in an attempt to both improve its image and present itself as a beacon of press freedom, the staff of the New York Times went on strike as a sign of solidarity with their counterparts in China. The strike by Chinese reporters as protest against censorship by the Communist party leadership in Beijing has gained international attention and widespread media coverage.

The New York Times companion strike, however, has not achieved a comparable amount of publicity. Carrying a placard saying "We Are Still Relevant, Mindless Masses! Buy My Newspaper, You Ignorant Right-Leaning Fascist!" one distraught Times journalist told CNN, "Nobody even noticed our strike! Look at all these people going by. They're not even looking at us. They're all rushing home to their computers, to catch up on news via Instapundit and Technorati and all those...those...blogs!"

In an exclusive phone interview with CNN, a Chinese journalist fighting for press freedom said, "Well, we appreciate all the publicity for our struggle against censorship and imprisonment by the autocratic Beijing media lords. But really, New York Times, please don't cheapen our fight by saying that you care. Still, I do have to say thanks and xie-xie to that paper for providing the world with great wrapping for fish."

Europe Launches Galileo Satellite, GPS Knockoff

2005-12-29T14:40:00.000-05:00

PARIS, France -- (CNN -- Cosmos News Network) -- The European Union has launched a new satellite with the goal of setting up a European answer to the Americans' Global Positioning System (GPS) of satellites. The European Space Agency's new Galileo satellite was launched from the Baikonur Cosmodrome in Kazakhstan. In a note of international cooperation, three non-EU nations -- China, Israel, and Ukraine -- are part of this venture, a fact which has prompted some comment.

"This Galileo business is just a cheap knockoff of our GPS system," said Stella Ryder, spokewoman of NASA. "Come on, the Chinese are on board. Who better knows about making knockoffs? Listen, don't be fooled by imitations. Demand the genuine article, the real GPS."

A spokesman for the ESA responded, "We are launching Galileo to aid us in our great new European space exploration program. We hope too to be able to use Galileo's GPS-like qualities to survey our own planet as well. Our first assignment will be satellite locating. We are most hopeful that Galileo will be able to help track global warming patterns and also to locate our moral high ground which we've . . . er, misplaced."

Ghost of FDR Offers Advice on Bird Flu Fear

2005-12-27T13:32:00.000-05:00

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- (CNN -- Chicken News Network) -- In a city that has for months labored under the fear of an impending avian flu global pandemic, the non-appearance of any such outbreak is a welcome Christmas gift indeed.

While much fear remains, the blind panic of recent days has begun to fade. Even media outlets which have up been busy churning out alarming predictions have admitted that no pandemic has actually occurred and that the only documentable epidemic was the outbreak of global fear about avian flu.

As if in confirmation of this, today the ghost of US president Franklin Delano Roosevelt gave a press conference in the Roosevelt Memorial in the nation's capitol. Transparent and ghostly, yet looking dapper in 1940s garb, FDR gave a brief statement:

"My fellow Americans, it has been a very long time since I gave my first inaugural address as your president. But the message of that speech is as true now as it was when I was alive. The recent mass panic and hand-wringing over bird flu has been a colossal failure of nerve and an exercise in irrational scaremongering. Let me give you again the best advice I know to give:

"This is preeminently the time to speak the truth, the whole truth, frankly and boldly. Nor need we shrink from honestly facing conditions in our country today. This great Nation will endure as it has endured, will revive and will prosper. So, first of all, let me assert my firm belief that the only thing we have to fear is fear itself."

Christmas News

2005-12-25T11:40:00.000-05:00

Courtesy of Sacred Cow Burgers. Do click to enlarge!

Merry Christmas!

North Pole Rocked by Santa Spying Revelation

2005-12-22T11:04:00.000-05:00

NORTH POLE -- (CNN -- Caribou News Network) -- The recent revelation of US anti-terror spying has now found a twin in the usually calm and cheerful domain of Santa Claus. The jolly gift-giver is currently under fire after North Pole sources revealed that he had authorized the secret surveillance of millions of unsuspecting children without first obtaining warrants.

The whistleblower was an elf who spoke with CNN on condition of anonymity. "Santa's head of a Karl Rovian network of wire taps, phone taps, email surveillance, and many other forms of spying. But the truly diabolical thing is how he has managed to do this for years without detection. He's been doing it under our very noses. But I finally started getting suspicious after listening to the lyrics of 'Santa Claus Is Coming to Town' for the millionth time. After all, they do say:

You better watch out
You better not cry
Better not pout
I'm telling you why
Santa Claus is coming to town
He's making a list
And checking it twice;
Gonna find out
Who's naughty and nice
Santa Claus is coming to town
He sees you when you're sleeping
He knows when you're awake
He knows if you've been bad or good
So be good for goodness sake!

Now think about it--how would Santa know all these things if he didn't have a sophisticated spy network? And all this time we all thought he knew because he was the magical embodiment of holiday cheer. Santa lied!! Impeach Santa!!!"

The elf then returned to the protestors gathered outside the workshop, bearing placards which said "SANTA = SATAN," "How Dare You Judge Us," and "Toddlers Are Not Terrorists!"

Santa Claus was unavailable for comment, though all Christmas music has reportedly now been banned from the elves' workshops. The Claus camp did release a written statement warning that any journalists who insist on trespassing on Claus territory will receive nothing but coal in their Christmas stockings this year.

Geisha Movie to be Released Nationwide; CDC Fears Outbreak of Yellow Fever

2005-12-21T15:15:00.000-05:00

HOLLYWOOD, California -- (CNN -- Celluloid News Network) -- The film adaptation of the bestselling novel Memoirs of a Geisha by Arthur Golden will be in theaters nationwide on December 23.

While the movie has received mixed reviews from cinema critics, it has now received a negative review from an unexpected source: the Centers for Disease Control (CDC).

CDC epidemic expert Penny Cillin explained: "We are afraid that the nationwide release of this film may spark an outbreak of yellow fever. Lead actress Zhang Ziyi could be the Typhoid Mary of our time, and we are completely unprepared for such an outbreak."

Miss Zhang could not be reached for comment, as she was reportedly too busy beating off crowds of white male admirers.

Concerned Ancient Roman Traditionalists Insist: "Put the Saturn Back in Saturnalia"

2005-12-18T08:58:00.000-05:00

The Christmas culture wars are beginning to become silly. Since I satirized the secular progressives last time with the "ban on snow angels" piece, I'll satirize the other side this time. The following satire was first published on December 17, 2004, but I think it's still timely. And before anyone criticizes my version of ancient Roman society and religion, I remind you: this article is just a JOKE on current popular culture. I've taken liberties. So sue me.

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CAPITOLINE, ROME -- (CNN -- Centurion News Network) -- Different Roman groups are at odds over how to celebrate Saturnalia.

Green garlands abound on the doorways of homes and buildings. Banquets and invitations are in the air. A festive atmosphere has settled all over Rome as citizens greet each other with calls of "Io, Saturnalia!" But as the city heads into the December holiday season -- with December 17 as the starting date for Saturnalia celebrations -- it is becoming apparent that not every Roman sees this day with the same perspective.

While holiday shoppers throng Trajan's Market, the up-scale Forum Shops, and other mercantile meccas in the metroplex, groups of Roman traditionalists are voicing their concern over what they perceive is the over-commercialization and rampant consumerism of the holiday.

CNN interviewed one such group, Saturnalian Celebrants Reminding Others of Olden Golden Ethics (S.C.R.O.O.G.E.), as it gathered peacefully at the city's largest Temple of Saturn, in the heart of the downtown district. Instead of wearing festive garments, members of S.C.R.O.O.G.E. wore somber colors as they distributed pamphlets entitled "Placate the Gods, Impious Citizen!" or "The Real Meaning of Saturnalia."

S.C.R.O.O.G.E. leader Virginia Vestal explained. "In the holiday rush of shopping, parties, presents, orgies, and fancy clothes, Romans have forgotten about the gods entirely. Look across the street there -- the Trajan's Market mall is packed out. But who's here at the Temple of Saturn? Almost nobody."

When CNN asked Vestal what she made of recent accusations that S.C.R.O.O.G.E. was a killjoy, she denied that that was the goal of the organization. "We're not moral or religious watchdogs. We're only concerned citizens. We only want to remind our fellow Romans of our shared traditions. Please, don't forget our proud and ancient heritage. Let's put the Saturn back in Saturnalia and remember the real reason for the season."

In recent days, S.C.R.O.O.G.E. has placed full-page ads in the Acta Diurna and other city papers reading "It's Just Not _____________alia Without Saturn."

The group has drawn criticism from some merchants' associations. CNN also spoke with Festus Falstaff, spokesman for the Efficacious Merchants Preparing for Terrifically Overwhelming Revenue (E.M.P.T.O.R.).

"A little caveat, please," said Festus. "We merchants are simply going about our business trying to make a denarius or two like good businesspeople. S.C.R.O.O.G.E. is bad for business. Plus, hello, have they ever heard of the separation of temple and empire? They better watch it before their name becomes a watchword for holiday gloom.

"Let me tell you, gloom is bad for the economy. All good and patriotic Romans should go out and shop to strengthen our economy! Here, come on in and check out E.M.P.T.O.R.'s bargains -- buy 1 toga, get 1 half off!"

Saturnalia lasts from December 17-23.

Bush Supports Ban on Torturing Grad Students

2005-12-16T06:19:00.000-05:00

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- (CNN -- Campus News Network) -- President Bush has agreed to support a ban on torture. The ban also outlaws any ''cruel, inhuman, or degrading treatment or punishment" of terror suspects and detainees. In the spirit of this decision, the president has this morning issued a similar ban on the ill treatment of graduate students on American campuses. "If we're going to ban one kind of torture, we might as well ban all kinds of torture," he said.

The decision has been hailed by grad student unions and associations. One student, speaking on condition of anonymity, said,"Yes, we are very happy. Under the current system, we are all too familar with 'cruel, inhuman, and degrading treatment.' Our overlords -- I mean, our distinguished professors and learned administration-- give us so much work and so little money that we do not sleep enough, we suffer from stress, we feel isolated from the world outside campus, we are constantly humiliated for our mistakes, and we have no time for friends or family because we are locked away in libraries and laboratories. 50% of all grad students do not finish their degrees -- they drop like flies under the current system."

Some professors are criticizing the presidential ban as unfair interference by government into campus affairs. One unnamed scholar responded: "This clearly demonstrates how ignorant Chimpy McBusHitlerburton -- I mean, President Bush -- is of our long-established academic traditions. Everyone knows that you do not come to grad school for humane treatment. The only humanity here, I'm pleased to say, is in the name of the Humanities department. No, you come to grad school to have your weak provincial mind re-programmed by the opinions of your professors, who are infallible in all things. Now repeat after me: No blood for oil. Iraq is Vietnam. Bush is Satan."

The President's office issued a written statement: "We note with sadness that one truth still remains in both academia and politics: No good deed goes unpunished."

Australia: Fears Abound That Sectarian Riots Will Spread to Koalas, Kangaroos

2005-12-14T16:42:00.000-05:00

SYDNEY, Australia -- (CNN -- Crocodilehunter News Network) -- Australian authorities are concerned that recent racially motivated riots may spread in the Land Down Under after a weekend of violence on the beaches between white Australians and people of Middle Eastern descent.

Animal behaviorists are concerned that the sectarian violence may spark riots among Australia's animal populations as well. Specifically, zoologists fear unrest between groups of koalas and kangaroos, two species that have long been bitter rivals for the coveted title of "animal most associated with Australia."

Australia Zoo marsupial expert Ima Dundee stated, "We are very concerned. It's not for nothing that a group of kangaroos is technically called a 'mob' of kangaroos. As for koalas, do not be deceived by their cute appearance. They are closely related to drop bears and can be very dangerous. The tension between koalas and kangaroos has been brewing for a long time, and anything could set off rioting. There is a lot of money in endorsement deals at stake here. The Qantas contract alone...!"

Australian tour operators are also concerned. Tour guide Barb E. Shrimper noted, "It is bad enough that we are getting negative international publicity from the riots on our beautiful beaches. But if there is koala-versus-kangaroo violence, we will be ruined! We have built up an entire tour industry on the idea that koalas and kangaroos are lovable creatures you should travel halfway around the world to see."

Human Brain Cells Successfully Grown In Mice; Rodents Turn Into French Cheese Snobs

2005-12-13T11:20:00.000-05:00

SAN FRANCISCO, California -- (CNN -- Cartoon News Network) -- Scientists have announced that they have successfully implanted human brain cells into mice. Of the laboratory mice, the most progress mentally have been made by a young female mouse nicknamed Mrs. Brisby and by a pair nicknamed Pinky and the Brain.

The other mice have demonstrated an unexpected change in behavior since the operation placed human cells into them. Instead of being content with the standard yellow American cheese, they now squeak with French accents and insist on only the finest imported Brie, Camembert de Normandie, and other French cheeses.

Head scientist Dr. Rocky Forte admitted that the experiment may have unforeseen side effects on the mice. "We are very pleased that the procedure was successful. Even so, we had no idea the mice would turn into cheese connoisseurs. I guess that's what happens if they become too smart: they become snobs too."

London Oil Blast Violates UK's Commitment to Kyoto Protocol

2005-12-12T12:28:00.000-05:00

LONDON, England -- (CNN -- Carbon News Network) -- Today various environmental groups including the European Environmental Agency declared that the recent London oil blast is a clear violation of the UK's commitment to the Kyoto Protocol. The groups are also angrily criticizing Great Britain for the vast amounts of pollution now being released into the atmosphere from burning petrol.

In a phone interview with CNN's Brussels bureau, a EU environmental spokeman stated: "This fuel explosion will surely mean that the UK will exceed its limit on greenhouse emissions for this year. Tsk, tsk, Mr. Blair, who once was a champion of Kyoto -- now he must preside over this environmental disaster. We must form committees immediately to study the effect of the smoke cloud on Europe. We will also consider scolding or fining the UK -- Blair, he will not pay of course, but we do love fines and regulations and paperwork and grand televised speeches."

All the same, every cloud has a silver lining, even a cloud born of burning fuel. Scientists speculate that the resulting ash, smoke, and fine particulates in the air may produce spectacular sunsets in the near future -- similar to the effects of volcanic eruptions. "Possibly this may help our tourism initiatives," said hopeful travel analyst, Mary Packer. "Our economy could use a boost."

Al Qaeda Leader Urges Jihad Against Westerns

2005-12-12T07:55:00.000-05:00

CAIRO, Egypt -- (CNN -- Celluloid News Network) -- A new terror audio tape has emerged, clarifying a tape recently released by Al Qaeda number 2 man, Ayman al-Zawahiri. In the first tape, Zawahiri reportedly urged jihad against the West. The second tape, however, clarifies the terrorist leader's intentions. CNN's team of Arabic-English language experts have released the following transcript and translation:

*static*

"Is this thing on? Testing, testing . . . one, two, three . . .

It has come to my attention from watching CNN, Fox News, the BBC, and other MSM outlets that the infidels have misunderstood my first tape. They need to take more Arabic language lessons!

I specifically urged jihad against Westerns. Why do you think I timed the release of the tape to coincide with the release of the movie 'Brokeback Mountain'? This new Western is an affront to the cultural and ideological sensibilities of all good terrorists! The notion of gay cowboys is offensive to the very idea of a crushing totalitarian caliphate! In Iran, they execute gay cowboys -- in fact, my pals the mullahs execute all kinds of gays! It would be the same in Osamaworld once we defeat the infidels.

By the way, jihad against the West in general is still my official policy. If you language-challenged infidels want to know what I mean by 'the West,' I mean 'everybody whom I don't like.'

But for now, I call on all faithful Islamofascists to boycott the sinful, decadent, wicked Western movie 'Brokeback Mountain'!"

*static*
*end of tape*

In a phone interview, the film producers told CNN, "No, we're not too worried. Besides, we think all publicity is good publicity. We are going to have more people coming to see the film to see what all the fuss is about. Really, we ought to thank crazy old Zawahiri for giving our work this huge amount of free publicity! This is far more exposure than all our multi-million-dollar advertising campaigns could muster!"

A Politically Correct Night in Bethlehem?

2005-12-09T10:05:00.000-05:00

I cannot take credit for the following satire on the ongoing Christmas culture wars. I found it at TigerHawk, and its ultimate source is here. "What if Christ had been born today?" One can only wonder. Enjoy! And Merry Christmas!

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And Joseph went up from Galilee to Bethlehem with Mary, his espoused wife, who was great with child. And she brought forth a son and wrapped him in swaddling clothes and laid him in a manger because there was no room for them in the inn. And the angel of the Lord spoke to the shepherds and said, "I bring you tidings of great joy. Unto you is born a Savior,which is Christ the Lord."

"There's a problem with the angel," said a Pharisee who happened to be strolling by. As he explained to Joseph, angels are widely regarded as religious symbols, and the stable was on public property where such symbols were not allowed to land or even hover.

"And I have to tell you, this whole thing looks to me very much like a Nativity scene," he said sadly. "That's a no-no, too."

Joseph had a bright idea. "What if I put a couple of reindeer over there near the ox and ass?" he said, eager to avoid sectarian strife.

"That would definitely help," said the Pharisee, who knew as well as anyone that whenever a savior appeared, judges usually liked to be on the safe side and surround it with deer or woodland creatures of some sort. "Just to clinch it, throw in a candy cane and a couple of elves and snowmen,too," he said. "No court can resist that."

Mary asked, "What does my son's birth have to do with snowmen?"

"Snowpersons!" cried a young woman, changing the subject before it veered dangerously toward religion.

Off to the side of the crowd, a Philistine was painting the Nativity scene. Mary complained that she and Joseph looked too tattered and worn in the picture. "Artistic license," he said. "I've got to show the plight of the haggard homeless in a greedy, uncaring society in winter," he quipped.

"We're not haggard or homeless. The inn was just full," said Mary.

"Whatever," said the painter.

Two women began to argue fiercely. One said she objected to Jesus' birth "because it privileged motherhood." The other scoffed at virgin births, but said that if they encouraged more attention to diversity in family forms and the rights of single mothers, well, then, she was all for them.

"I'm not a single mother," Mary started to say, but she was cut off by a third woman who insisted that swaddling clothes are a form of child abuse, since they restrict the natural movement of babies.

With the arrival of 10 child advocates, all trained to spot infant abuse and manger rash, Mary and Joseph were pushed to the edge of the crowd, where arguments were breaking out over how many reindeer (or what mix of reindeer and seasonal sprites) had to be installed to compensate for the infant's unfortunate religious character.

An older man bustled up, bowling over two merchants, who had been busy debating whether an elf is the same as a fairy and whether the elf/fairy should be shaking hands with Jesus in the crib or merely standing to the side, jumping around like a sports mascot.

"I'd hold off on the reindeer," the man said, explaining that the use of asses and oxen as picturesque backdrops for Nativity scenes carries the subliminal message of human dominance. He passed out two leaflets, one denouncing manger births as invasions of animal space, the other arguing that stables are "penned environments" where animals are incarcerated against their will. He had no opinion about elves or candy canes.

Signs declaring "Free the Bethlehem 2" began to appear, referring to the obviously exploited ass and ox. Someone said the halo on Jesus' head was elitist.

Mary was exasperated. "And what about you, old mother?" she said sharply to an elderly woman. "Are you here to attack the shepherds as prison guards for excluded species, maybe to complain that singing in Latin identifies us with our Roman oppressors, or just to say that I should have skipped patriarchal religiosity and joined some dumb new-age goddess religion?"

"None of the above," said the woman, "I just wanted to tell you that the Magi are here."

Sure enough, the three wise men rode up. The crowd gasped, "They're all male!" And "Not very multicultural!"

" Balthasar here is black," said one of the Magi.

"Yes, but how many of you are gay or disabled?" someone shouted. A committee was quickly formed to find an impoverished lesbian wise-person among the halt and lame of Bethlehem.

A calm voice said, "Be of good cheer, Mary, you have done well and your son will change the world." At last, a sane person, Mary thought. She turned to see a radiant and confident female face.

The woman spoke again: "There is one thing, though. Religious holidays are important, but can't we learn to celebrate them in ways that unite, not divide? For instance, instead of all this business about 'Gloria in excelsis Deo,' why not just 'Season's Greetings'?"

Mary said, "You mean my son has entered human history to deliver the message, 'Hello, it's winter'?"

"That's harsh, Mary," said the woman."Remember, your son could make it big in midwinter festivals, if he doesn't push the religion thing too far. Centuries from now, in nations yet unborn, people will give each other pricey gifts and have big office parties on his birthday. That's not chopped liver."

"Let me get back to you," Mary said.

World Losing Patience with Iran, ElBaradei

2005-12-09T09:26:00.000-05:00

I saw this headline on CNN ( "ElBaradei: World losing patience with Iran" ) and couldn't help myself. Enjoy the satire, kids.

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OSLO, Norway -- (CNN -- Chernobyl News Network) -- Nobel Peace Prize laureate Mohamed ElBaradei, who is also head of the United Nations' International Atomic Energy Agency, has sharply criticized Iran. Mr. ElBaradei stated that the international community is losing patience with Iran and that nation's nuclear ambitions.

"If Iran does not fully comply with UN and international demands, we will have no choice but to scold it again in public," he said as he shook a rolled-up newspaper at the camera. "Bad dog! Bad dog! Ahem...If it still defies us, we will be forced to initiate a round of committees, meetings, talks, and tea parties with EU diplomats. If all else fails, we will impose meaningless sanctions against Iran along with UN resolutions which we have no intention of enforcing. At the same, we are preparing resolutions to criticize Israel; if Israel defends itself in case of Iranian aggression, we will have an entire slate of resolutions ready to roll."

At the same time, a blogosphere cartoonist poll suggests that the world is losing patience not only with Iran, but also with ElBaradei himself. Poll results suggest that a sizable part of the blogosphere is unhappy with ElBaradei's perceived inability to stop nuclear proliferation among rogue states.

However, an exclusive phone interview, reclusive North Korean leader Kim Jong-Il declared," ElBaradei is a fine man, a fine diplomat and a force for peace and stability in the world. Any criticism of him is unfounded. Now if you will excuse me, I have to go oversee the latest round of uranium enrichment which my friend ElBaradei has made possible."

King Kong Debuts in New York; City Renamed "the Big Banana"

2005-12-07T08:19:00.000-05:00

NEW YORK CITY, NY -- (CNN -- Celluloid News Network) -- As part of the advertising campaign for the upcoming film "King Kong," New York City has voluntarily changed its name from "the Big Apple" to "the Big Banana."

In a phone interview, New York City mayor Michael Bloomberg said that the name change is the next logical step. "I recently designated a day as 'King Kong Day' in the city, after all. There's an 8-meter-tall Kong replica in Times Square. The stars of the film are in town for various events and the press is going...well, bananas. Furthermore, the biggest star, King Kong himself, is happy with the name change. To be honest, he is literally the 800-pound gorilla in the room, and he gets to do and have pretty much whatever he wants."

But the new title of "the Big Banana" has some New Yorkers going ape. Various New York traditionalists are protesting the name change. They insist that New York identity is historically linked to the name "the Big Apple." All the same, Kong may have proven himself a New Yorker at heart; when the protesters rallied in front of his replica in Times Square, the giant ape replied by giving them a Bronx cheer.

White House Press Secretary Scott McClellan to be Replaced by Baby Panda

2005-12-06T09:28:00.000-05:00

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- (CNN -- Cute News Network) -- In an unexpected twist in its public relations approach, the White House has announced that it will replace its current press secretary, Scott McClellan, with Tai Shan, the baby panda at the National Zoo.

During his daily press briefing yesterday, McClellan fielded questions from the White House press corps. When the interrogation reached a fever pitch of angry, harsh inquiries, McClellan pulled out a large glossy photo of the baby panda, which immediately reduced the hard-bitten journalists to prolonged cooing and sentimental smiling.

"Any further questions?" asked McClellan. "Any further questions about gas prices, Tom DeLay, Iraq strategy, or the President's poll numbers?

The press corps responded in unison: "Awwwwwwwwwwwwww...Look at that panda! Isn't he cuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuute?"

A source within the White House commented that the choice of Tai Shan is a public relations coup. "He has an uncanny ability to handle the press on a daily basis, and he can communicate in black-and-white terms in this age of muddled messages. He would certainly bring more diversity to the White House staff as well. As an American-born Chinese, Tai Shan is beyond doubt an Asian-American."

Animal rights activists led by PETA expressed concern about the health effects of repeated camera flashes on the panda cub. McClellan responded that Tai Shan is already accustomed to mass, sustained media coverage.

The panda is expected to start his new job on Monday. He will be the first "pandamerican" to hold this post.

Brad Pitt to Adopt Angelina Jolie's Children, Madonna's Faux British Accent

2005-12-03T21:56:00.000-05:00

HOLLYWOOD, California -- (CNN -- Celluloid News Network) -- Actor Brad Pitt has announced his intention to adopt Angelina Jolie's two children.

When asked why by reporters, Pitt replied, "Well, Angelina and I got used to playing house after filming 'Mr. and Mrs. Smith,' so this is just the next natural step."

If the adoption is finalized, the two young children's names will become Zahara Jolie-Pitt and Maddox Jolie-Pitt. Watchdog groups that monitor child abuse are watching the situation closely. One child advocate noted, "If these names become legal, the children could suffer significant psychological damage from being teased by playmates in the school yard. Also, their self-esteem may be crushed by the knowledge that they bear not just one, but two crazy celebrity Hollywood names. They may never be able to form their own identities."

Mr. Pitt replied, "Not at all. I want to adopt these two children to help them with their identity. Angelina agrees. Once these adoptions go through, none of us will any longer be embarrassed by the question 'Who's your daddy?' "

With adoption as an option now for his new life with Jolie, Pitt has announced that he will also adopt Madonna's faux British accent. "After all, I'm going to be marrying the real live Lara Croft," he said.

Pitt and Jolie recently returned from a visit to earthquake-ravaged Pakistan.

ACLU Files Suit Against Snow Angels

2005-12-03T21:35:00.000-05:00

This satire was first posted on December 23, 2004. I think it is still relevant, though, as the annual "Christmas Culture Wars" are once more in full swing. Enjoy.

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WHOVILLE, Middle America -- (HNN -- Holiday News Network) -- Snow angels are under attack from the ACLU in the latest incident of holiday-related acrimony.

Several families have received an unwelcome visit this holiday season -- not from jolly Saint Nick bringing presents, but from the ACLU's lawyers bringing fresh lawsuits. HNN has learned that the reason for the legal action is that the families' children were allowed to make snow angels on the front lawn of Whoville City Hall.

In a HNN interview today on the City Hall lawn, local ACLU spokesman Hugh Moreless said, "Snow angels clearly connote angels, which in turn clearly connote Christianity. This in turn is offensive proselytizing and cultural oppression of religious minorities and atheists, a battle for civil liberties which we have been combatting for a long time with our anti-Christmas -- I mean, pro-generic winter holiday -- agenda. Furthermore, these children made snow angels on the lawn of City Hall, thus violating the separation of church and state."

The spokeswoman for the families and herself the mother of a 6-year-old alleged snow angel maker, Mrs. Holly Daze insisted that the snow games were innocuous. "The children were out playing! This is simply the ACLU's latest effort to force their Bah Humbug on our fun and spoil our freedom as Americans to seek life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness. Happiness for our children meant making snow angels! Maybe the ACLU would lighten up if they actually joined in the games."

Mrs. Daze then reached down and formed a snowball, which she lobbed at Mr. Moreless. He responded by immediately filing charges of assault, incitement to violence, and hate speech.

All winter games have been banned from City Hall property until the ACLU lawsuit has been decided in federal court.

France's de Villepin Denies that Riots Occurred or that His Poetry Sucks

2005-12-01T08:49:00.000-05:00

PARIS, France -- (DNN -- Derrida News Network) -- In a recent TV interview, French Prime Minister Dominique de Villepin declared that the recent unrest in France cannot be called "riots."

"Zey cannot be called 'riots,' zis recent . . . how you say, unrest in la belle France," said de Villepin in a follow-up interview with DNN. " Zee incidents in our republique are simply our young people expressing zemselves. Zee Eenglish call zis 'high spirits' or 'zee youthful folly.' Zere were no riots. Riots occur only in backward, savage places like Los Angeles. No, we French, we do not have riots. We have revolutions, though currently we are living in a paradise of liberté, egalité, fraternité."

The elegantly coiffed Prime Minister then waved his manicured hand languidly at the members of the press. "Zese aren't zee riots you're looking for," he said. "You can go about your business. Move along."

When asked about the estimated 9000 cars burned in the recent unrest, de Villepin replied only that they were part of the EU's new strategy on auto incineration.

De Villepin has faced criticism in recent days for his seeming lack of action during the 3 weeks of French unrest. This criticism comes on the heels of previous criticism for his 800-page book of poetry. The work is entitled, in an odd coincidence, Eloge des Voleurs de Feu, or In Praise of the Thieves of Fire.

"Eet eez zee pinnacle of free speech," said de Villepin. "Zee rioters -- errrr -- zee young people of France were expressing zemselves freely, and I too was expressing moi-self freely. Eet eez all rather poetique, really, zee Molotov cocktails sailing like miniature phoenixes into zee velvet blackness of zee amorous night. Perhaps I shall write another book of poetry on zee unrest . . . Oui, zere eez criticism for both me zee poet and zee youths, but part of being an artiste eez to be misunderstood by zee public."

Life Imitates Satire: Chinese Real Estate Agency Wants to Sell Lunar Lots

2005-11-29T12:57:00.000-05:00

A few days ago, I posted a satire about China and the moon. In it, I'd made a satirical comment about China developing the moon in real estate. Ha ha, right? It's just a joke, right?

Then today I came across this Reuters news story (via Fark). Apparently the Chinese government has shut down a company that was trying to sell property. . . on the moon. I am not kidding!

Here is the heart of the story:

A Chinese company is fighting for the right to pitch plots of land on the moon for sale after authorities shut the scheme down on charges of profiteering and lunacy. Beijing Lunar Village Aeronautics Science and Technology Co. has sued commercial authorities in China's capital for suspending its business license on October 28, just days after it opened, Xinhua news agency said Tuesday.
. . . The company, which calls itself the "Lunar Embassy to China," had sold 49 acres of lunar land to 34 Chinese clients within three days of opening on October 19, Xinhua previously reported, two days after two Chinese astronauts returned to Earth from the country's second manned space mission.

I don't know what to say! This is beyond satire. I am just. . . dumbfounded!

Canadian Government Falls, Prompting Worldwide Hoarding of Maple Syrup, Hockey Players

2005-11-29T10:32:00.000-05:00

OTTAWA, Canada -- (CNN -- Caribou News Network) -- Yesterday, a 171-133 vote of no confidence toppled the scandal-ridden Paul Martin government. This season has become the winter of Canadian discontent as uncertainty falls over the United States' great Northern neighbor.

As Canadians gear up for a winter of campaigning and political wrangling, the rest of the world responded to the news by immediately hoarding stores of Canada's main exports -- maple syrup and hockey players. Canada currently produces 85% of the world's supply of maple syrup, making it the Saudi Arabia of syrup.

Realpolitik analysts are monitoring the situation closely. A senior Washington expert, speaking on condition of anonymity, commented: "We must maintain stability on the North American continent. If Canada falls into chaos, the repercussions could be terrible. The world's supplies of maple syrup and hockey players must not be disrupted.

"Democracy is messy... and I don't know what I'll do if there's a shortage of syrup. This could trigger a worldwide breakfast crisis; modern life would ground to a halt without this precious liquid resource. All options are on the table, frankly."

EU Press Briefing on Car -Burning Regulations

2005-11-28T14:24:00.000-05:00

Recently I wrote a little satire on the EU and the car-burning incidents during the French riots. Then I started wondering if we might be able to take the satire one step further. Therefore, in consultation with some blog friends, I give you the following: the EU bureaucracy's response to my "news report." Enjoy!

PS: Somehow it makes me think of Kafka's bureaucratic nightmares...What do you think?

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Press Briefing by N.N. (an EU commission spokesman)
EU Headquarters
Brussels, Belgium
2:55 P.M. (Local)

SPOKESMAN: Good afternoon. No statement from me today. I'm willing to take your questions. Yes, please.

Q: The Citroen News Network claims that the EU has decided to pursue a three-pronged approach on car burning. Is that true?

A: No, absolutely not. The "events" in France occured only four weeks ago, so there is no need for immediate action. Rome wasn't built in aday - and Paris won't be distroyed in a day. *laughs*

Q: So you deny any approach on the car burning issue?

A: I didn't say that. What I wanted to say was: "There is no three-pronged approach yet."

Q: So is there any approach on that issue?

A: Well...err...yes, there is. But this approach is not a three-pronged, but a five-pronged one. At least five-pronged. And the jury is still out on it...

Q: What do you mean - the jury is still out on it?

A: Um...the EU Council has agreed to establish a task force to deal with the car burning matter. After their first meeting, the task force came up with a five-pronged approach. But it was only the first meeting. They won't present their findings until next Monday, as far as I know.

Q: CNN mentioned a "multinational committee dedicated to studying EU car burning trends over the next 10 years"...

A: First of all, all EU committees are multinational by nature. That'swhat makes the EU so thrilling exciting! *laughs* Second, the "EU study on car burning trends" has already been completed. It will be released next Monday.

Q: You confirm the existence of a EU study on car burning trends?

A: Yes. As you know, the EU founding members have a long and successful history in burning and blasting cars. Not only France, butespecially Germany, Italy and Spain, to name a few, were doing a heck of a job on this. So, this trend is not new to us.

Q: On a related note, CNN says, that "yearly findings will be published in the form of obscure French poetry, courtesy of Dominique de Villepin". If this committee already exists, why weren't any findings published so far?

A: Um...Okay, the first findings are from 1998. But the translation from the original French version into the other official languages isn't accomplished yet. We were about to release the findings in 2004- but then, there was the EU enlargement, as you know...and we have still some difficulties with the translation into Estonian. Plus, the only translator for Slovakian is on strike...

Q: Would you like to comment on the Sarkozy remarks?

A: Oh, thank you for this question! It gives me the opportunity to clarify, that the whole Sarkozy issue is a hoax. He didn't comment onEU affairs and will never do so. As one of his advisers told me, commenting on EU affairs would ruin his chances to ever replace good old demented Jacques....errrr....I'm sorry...that was OFF THE RECORD! OFF THE RECORD!...Next question, please!

Q: Is it true, that the EU will issue a EU-wide slate of legislation to regulate the burning of cars?

A: Yes, that's correct. As you know, the EU is iconic for regulations. And the burning of cars is most certainly something that should be regulated. Yes, please?

Q: As for the regulations' details: "Each EU member nation will be allotted a different number; these national quotas will be based on population, number of cars available in the nation, and insurance rates..."

A: No, this information is incorrect. That would be against the EU core principles. The EU wasn't founded "to allot" something, but to equalize the living conditions of EU citizens by regulating and restricting national policies. Plus, as we all know, national quotas within the EU aren't based on reasonable parameters like "population","numbers" and "rates", but on the aggressiveness of the member state's leaders and unions.

Q: And what about this proposal: "All EU states will be allowed to burn 25% more cars on weekends and holidays."?

A: On the contrary! Admittedly, one member of the task force proposed something like that, but after he received a threatening letter from an Italian union with a cover letter demanding: "No work on weekends! Hands off our holidays!", he withdrew his suggestion. Plus, as I just said, the EU states won't be"allowed" to do something. As we're at it: The European Council is working on new versions of the EU treaties to erase verbs beginningwith "allo" like "allot" and "allow".

Q: What about the "lex Ramadan"?

A: I'm sorry?

Q: The part of the regulation concerning burning cars during Ramadan. "Cars will be allowed to burn only after sundown."

A: Ahhh. Um, Ramadan is...like, Islam, right? No comment. But anyway, matters of religion are still up to the EU states. Thank God they are.

Q: "All EU members must submit to Brussels daily, weekly, monthly, and yearly tallies for torched vehicles". Correct?

A: Correct...Yes, please?

Q: Is it true, that the numbers of torched vehicles will be certified by the EU accounting office and placed into archives?

A: Kind of, yes. We are working on a system to collect all the handwritten numbers on paper, then microfiche them and finally place them into an EU-wide online archive. But as far as I'm informed, we still have some software problems. Please, contact our software partner for details. His name is Bill...eh, forgot his family name, sorry. Yes, please!

Q: Is it right, that "No action will be taken to reduce the car burnings nor to discover or correct the root causes of these incidents."

A: Yes, absolutely. Moreover, the EU will try to increase the car burnings and probably expand it to other goods like grain, corn, Chinese textiles and other EU surpluses. As for the root causes: They are so crystal clear that any investigations on that would be a waste of time. The main cause is the ongoing good performance of the US economy. That's what frustrates people in the EU. I mean, c'mon, US economists like Paul Krugman have been promising us the big downturn of the US economy for years and years now -but the Americans still outperform us quarter after quarter. That is simply outrageous! No wonder that the EU is in danger of missing the Lisbon Strategy's objectives.

Q: Now, for the consequences of car burning in regard to the environment. Has the EU commissioned a scientific study of greenhouse emissions that result from the burning of cars, such as fumes from combustible fuels and rubber tires?

A: No. Since the EU greenhouse emissions are neglegible in comparison to the USA and China, there is no need for a commission like this. On the other hand, it's always nice to have a new commission. Perhaps, the EU authorities will consider this point.

Q: Won't the car burnings hinder the EU's adherence to the Kyoto Treaty?

A: Excuse me. That's just ridiculous. It has always been EU policy to sign international treaties of all kind as they come. Adherence is a completely different matter. But, since the USA and China didn't sign the Kyoto Treaty - who cares about adherence?Then again, the task force already set up a commission to combine car burning with energy saving. For example, if the burning cars areplaced nearer to buildings, that might reduce our dependence on fossil fuels used for heating.

Q: Will any EU member which exceeds its Kyoto emissions limit because of unrestricted incineration of autos be fined, as Citroen NewsNetwork says?

A: Kyoto isn't a hot topic, as I just pointed out. And it is likely that EU authorities will encourage EU states to incinerate more autos and other goods. So, it would be counterproductive to fine them for incinerating, wouldn't it? But most certainly, at the end of the day, there will be lots of fines, since fining member states is one of theEU success stories as the fining of Germany, Italy and Greece for offending the Euro Maastricht Treaty shows clearly. Then again, you know, the EU states are very clever in coming up with excuses - and they simply refuse to pay the fine! Anyhow...Next question, please!

Q: Will repeated offenses by a state result in the banning of cars in the offending state?

A: That was a proposal launched by the outgoing German red-green government, yes. But since the new German government seems to be less tree-hugging, this proposal is finished. Banning cars does not belong to the core assets of EU policy.

Q: That means, Brussels won't negotiate an exclusive contract withChina to supply bicycles to the nations offending car burning regulations, as the CNN news story states?

A: In fact, we are in negotiations with China on an exclusive contract to supply cars, not bicycles. For numerous reasons: Chinese cars are much cheaper, their thermal properties are better. Plus, it's always fun to negotiate with Chinese officials. EU officials certainly won't miss one of those official binge drinking events. The Chinese call it"banquet". Ah, Chinese...funny people. Two more questions, please. Gotta go soon; I have an appointment with my hairdresser. Yes, please?

Q: Reportedly, the public response to this Brussels declaration has been mixed. French car makers hailed the decision as a way for them to anticipate production levels...

A: Oh, yes. Good point. That brings us to the main problems of the whole thing. As the EU wants to establish the burning of goods as a powerful strategy to accomplish its main objectives, it is essential to observe the EU law. So far, the French only incinerate French cars. That needs to be changed. They should also burn German and Italian cars, otherwise it would be a violation of EU trade law. Another problem is, that so far only France, Germany and the UK already went ahead with burning car, whereas especially the new EU members like Poland, Slovakia, the Czech Republic and the Baltic states are extremely reluctant on that issue. The EU commission will send out a delegation to these states to encourage them to burn at least some of their cars, as a sign of goodwill. Yet another problem is, that to date, there are no plans for new subsidies. But you simply can't start a new EU strategy without inventing some new subsidies. And it's not that there's no need for new subsidies: the car makers, the car owners, EU states which don't have a national car manufacturing industry yet - they all need to be subsidized.

Q: There were also reports about several unnamed Belgian youths of foreign extraction who set Mannekin Pis on fire last night in protest against what they called the EU's unfair limitation of their freedom of expression. Said one: "We protest against this censorship and discrimination by Brussels. We must fight for our right to torch as many cars as we see fit!"

A: Yes, that's exactly my point. That's why the EU has decided to give Belgium a boost in establishing their own national car industry...Well, okay, that's all for now. Thank you very much.

Q: Good to see you again.

A: Nice to see you, too. Good to be with you. Take care.

END 3:28 P.M. (Local)

EU Announces Car Burning Regulations

2005-11-28T12:45:00.000-05:00

This satire was first published on my main blog on November 21, 2005. I'll be slowly transferring all satires to this satire-specific website.

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I was inspired by a recent post on James Lileks' Screedblog, and so came up with the following satire. Enjoy, gentle reader!

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Brussels -- (CNN -- Citroen News Network) -- In the aftermath of the three-week-long unrest in France in which over 3000 cars were torched, European Union leaders have decided to take decisive action.

Yesterday's announcement was made from EU headquarters in Brussels, Belgium: the EU has decided to pursue a three-pronged approach. First, it will form a multinational committee dedicated to studying EU car burning trends over the next 10 years. Its yearly findings will be published in the form of obscure French poetry, courtesy of Dominique de Villepin. Nicolas Sarkozy, when asked about this new measure, merely repeated his incendiary statement that the unrest was all caused by racaille ("scum") and that no EU study will alleviate the root causes. The EU is now considering setting up a committee to study the direct effect of Sarkozy on car burnings in France.

Second, Brussels will issue a EU-wide slate of legislation to regulate the burning of cars. Each EU member nation will be allotted a different number; these national quotas will be based on population, number of cars available in the nation, and insurance rates. France, for instance, will be allowed a daily quota of 80 burned cars. All EU states will be allowed to burn 25% more cars on weekends and holidays. During Ramadan, cars will be allowed to burn only after sundown. All EU members must submit to Brussels daily, weekly, monthly, and yearly tallies for torched vehicles; the numbers will be certified by the EU accounting office and placed into archives. No action will be taken to reduce the car burnings nor to discover or correct the root causes of these incidents.

Third and last, the EU has commissioned a scientific study of greenhouse emissions that result from the burning of cars, such as fumes from combustible fuels and rubber tires. The levels of air pollution which result from the quota of car burnings will then be taken into consideration to ensure that increased car burnings will not hinder the EU's adherence to the Kyoto Treaty. Any EU member which exceeds its Kyoto emissions limit because of unrestricted incineration of autos will be fined. Repeated offenses by a state will result in the banning of cars in the offending state; Brussels will then negotiate an exclusive contract with China to supply bicycles to the nation in question and will also draft regulations for the burning of bicycles.

The public response to this Brussels declaration has been mixed. French car makers hailed the decision as a way for them to anticipate production levels. Even so, several unnamed Belgian youths of foreign extraction set Mannekin Pis on fire last night in protest against what they called the EU's unfair limitation of their freedom of expression. Said one: "We protest against this censorship and discrimination by Brussels. We must fight for our right to torch as many cars as we see fit!"

Democrats Get a Face; Brain, Spine Still on Back Order

2005-11-28T11:13:00.000-05:00

I saw this CNN headline "The Democrats Get a Face" and just couldn't resist. Sorry, Dems.

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WASHINGTON, D.C. -- (CNN -- Credibility News Network) -- The recent ascendancy of Representative John Murtha (D -- Pennsylvania) has given Congressional Democrats a shot in the arm. Commentators have stated that he has given his colleagues a new lease on life; one has even praised Murtha for giving the Democrats a face -- a readily recognizable figure around whom to rally.

The emergence of Murtha may present new complications for both Democrats and Republicans in the increasingly bitter debate over American involvement in Iraq. Cindy Sheehan has registered her dismay at the perceived threat to her place as the poster child of the anti-war movement. On the other hand, Republican Vice President Dick Cheney appears unfazed by Murtha's new prominence.

"It's one thing for the Dems to get a face," said the plain-spoken Cheney. "It's another for them to get a brain or a spine, and as I've said, some of them have either lost their memory or their backbone."

CNN sources within the Capitol have confirmed that both memory and backbone supplies have run low in Congress, but that more shipments are on back order. Sources were unable to confirm or deny the existence of cojones supplies.

China Aims to Put Man on Moon by 2020, Chinese Takeout by 2025

2005-11-27T10:35:00.000-05:00

HONG KONG, China -- (CNN -- Chopstick News Network) -- Earlier today, Chinese officials announced plans to land a man on the moon by 2020. Hu Shixiang, deputy head of China's manned space program, also announced hopes to build a space station eventually. All this comes on the heels on China's recent successes in space, notably with the Shenzhou 6 manned mission.

Hu also announced that the 2020 lunar landing will not be only a scientific mission. "We will also be looking at real estate," he said. "We believe that the moon will eventually be colonized and that it will become a prime market for Chinese takeout restaurants. We want to get in on the ground floor, so to speak, and have been drawing up plans for the first one on the moon by 2025. Admittedly, overhead will be more expensive than on Earth, as we must think about installing not only fire alarm systems, but artificial gravity as well. It's impossible to stir-fry properly in zero gravity, after all."

Initial reaction from the world's various space agencies has been mixed. While Western astronauts are delighted at the prospect of Chinese takeaway in space, the Japanese space agency was unimpressed. The Japan Aerospace Exploration Agency (JAXA) issued a statement declaring that Japan was the first nation in the world to successfully attempt zero-gravity Asian cuisine by inventing space ramen.

Ex-FEMA Head Brown Criticizes Chinese Response to Toxic Spill

2005-11-26T11:47:00.000-05:00

HARBIN, China -- (CNN -- Chinese News Network) -- The recent toxic spill on the Songhua River has left the 4 million residents of Harbin, China, without water for the fourth day in a row. Today as Chinese premier Wen Jiabao visits the stricken city, he faces both national and international criticism. At the heart of the anger: the government's slow response to the potentially lethal spill of benzene from a petrochemical plant.

Michael Brown, former head of FEMA, added his voice to the growing chorus of critics lambasting Beijing's response. "This is unacceptable," said Brown. "Millions of hapless citizens have been left to molder amid the ruins of their homes by a government infrastructure that is out of touch with the reality on the ground. This is a sad testimony to the so-called 'preparedness' of Beijing and an embarrassment to President Hu Jintao."

Brown offered his assistance and that of his new business, a disaster planning firm based in Colorado.

Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt Use Good Looks, Vacuous Smiles to Help Pakistani Quake Victims

2005-11-25T13:19:00.000-05:00

ISLAMABAD, Pakistan -- (CNN -- Celluloid News Network) -- The recent devastating earthquake that caused upwards of 75,000 casulaties in Pakistan has highlighted the suffering of the survivors in the aftermath.

As various nations and international organizations scramble to bring more relief aid to the affected area, Hollywood is not silent. The glittery film society has decided to help Pakistan by sending Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt to the earthquake zone.

Melissa Gilbert, president of the Screen Actors Guild, told CNN that the decision was an easy one. "Hollywood is well-known for getting involved in international disasters," she said. "After all, we are very familar with disasters, having survived such examples as 'Gigli' and 'Alexander.' Given our expertise, we have decided to respond to the Pakistani event by sending our best resources: good looks, earnest-sounding platitudes, and vacuous smiles. We are sending in Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt."

Entertainment experts estimate that, once seen, Jolie's famous lips and Pitt's renowned pectoral muscles will provide earthquake victims with at least 0.03 nanoseconds of distraction from their daily struggle for survival.

Pakistani president Pervez Musharraf, in a phone interview with CNN, said, "We very much appreciate Hollywood's efforts to help. Even so, I think something was lost in translation. When we sent our urgent appeal for aid, we asked for food, not eye candy."

Tropical Storm Delta Forms; Sororities and Classics Professors Rejoice

2005-11-25T10:56:00.000-05:00

This satire is for my friends who have taken Greek classes in school; dedicated especially to La Mademoiselle Parisienne and the Kamikaze Secretary -- you know who you are!

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MIAMI, Florida -- (CNN -- Classical News Network) -- Tropical Storm Delta, the unprecedented 25th named storm of the 2005 storm season, remains stalled in the Atlantic, but it has produced a storm surge of expectation in an unexpected place: campuses nationwide. Because storm names have now progressed into the Greek alphabet, an unlikely coalition of academics and sororities has formed to capitalize on the free publicity.

The Kappa Delta and Tri-Delta sororities have issued a joint statement hailing the naming of Tropical Storm Delta and inviting the storm to rush their organizations.

Elsewhere, professors of classical Greek and seminary students studying Biblical Greek are regarding the tropical storm as a new lease on life.

"We are delighted, delighted, that the general public can now see one of the many benefits and uses of the Greek alphabet," said Professor S.M. Artypantz of Cloudcuckooland University at Nerdville.

When asked whether the association of Greek letters with destructive storms was harmful, the professor replied, "There's no such thing as bad publicity. What would Socrates do? Capitalize, of course! Now, would you like to join my Greek class so you can better name storms and quote Plato?"

Other groups are expressing dissatisfaction with the campus glee over Tropical Storm Delta and over the storm itself. Atlanta-based Delta Airlines is contemplating a lawsuit against the NOAA, alleging copyright infringement over the use of the name "Delta."

At the same time, the U.S. Army's special operations outfit, Delta Force, expressed concern that publicity associated with the storm could jeopardize some of its missions. When the CNN correspondent asked about these missions, the Delta Force spokesman, speaking on condition of anonymity, said, "I'm sorry, ma'am, I could tell you, but then I'd have to kill you."

Chuck Norris was unavailable for comment.

Berets Not Cause of French Riots

2005-11-25T10:41:00.000-05:00

PARIS, France -- (CNN -- Cloche News Network) -- In the aftermath of the recent French unrest, many politicians and analysts have presented their speculations why the riots took place. Recent hypotheses have been announced by Gérard Larcher, France’s employment minister, who suggested that polygamy was a cause, and by French Prime Minister Dominique de Villepin, who announced that rap music was not a cause.

Adding to the rampant speculation as to why unassimilated and angry youths of foreign extraction who feel no loyalty to la belle France might erupt into violence after years of neglect and discrimination, today the French minister of high fashion Lola Vavoom announced that the iconic berets were not a cause of the riots.

"There eez no basis to zee wild claim that berets 'ad anything to do with zee riots," Madame Vavoom said during a press briefing, conducted as she shopped in the fashion district. "Eet eez true that berets, zey are a sign magnifique of French culture and French identity, of zee gloire that eez being French! But, since zee rioters 'ave no sense of French culture, zey 'ave no French berets eezer. Berets are therefore not a cause of zee riots. Perhaps you should ask whezer baguettes are a cause, oui?"

The French Ministry of Baking and Pastries was not available for comment.