Monday, November 28, 2005

EU Announces Car Burning Regulations

This satire was first published on my main blog on November 21, 2005. I'll be slowly transferring all satires to this satire-specific website.
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I was inspired by a recent post on James Lileks' Screedblog, and so came up with the following satire. Enjoy, gentle reader!
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Brussels -- (CNN -- Citroen News Network) -- In the aftermath of the three-week-long unrest in France in which over 3000 cars were torched, European Union leaders have decided to take decisive action.

Yesterday's announcement was made from EU headquarters in Brussels, Belgium: the EU has decided to pursue a three-pronged approach. First, it will form a multinational committee dedicated to studying EU car burning trends over the next 10 years. Its yearly findings will be published in the form of obscure French poetry, courtesy of Dominique de Villepin. Nicolas Sarkozy, when asked about this new measure, merely repeated his incendiary statement that the unrest was all caused by racaille ("scum") and that no EU study will alleviate the root causes. The EU is now considering setting up a committee to study the direct effect of Sarkozy on car burnings in France.

Second, Brussels will issue a EU-wide slate of legislation to regulate the burning of cars. Each EU member nation will be allotted a different number; these national quotas will be based on population, number of cars available in the nation, and insurance rates. France, for instance, will be allowed a daily quota of 80 burned cars. All EU states will be allowed to burn 25% more cars on weekends and holidays. During Ramadan, cars will be allowed to burn only after sundown. All EU members must submit to Brussels daily, weekly, monthly, and yearly tallies for torched vehicles; the numbers will be certified by the EU accounting office and placed into archives. No action will be taken to reduce the car burnings nor to discover or correct the root causes of these incidents.

Third and last, the EU has commissioned a scientific study of greenhouse emissions that result from the burning of cars, such as fumes from combustible fuels and rubber tires. The levels of air pollution which result from the quota of car burnings will then be taken into consideration to ensure that increased car burnings will not hinder the EU's adherence to the Kyoto Treaty. Any EU member which exceeds its Kyoto emissions limit because of unrestricted incineration of autos will be fined. Repeated offenses by a state will result in the banning of cars in the offending state; Brussels will then negotiate an exclusive contract with China to supply bicycles to the nation in question and will also draft regulations for the burning of bicycles.

The public response to this Brussels declaration has been mixed. French car makers hailed the decision as a way for them to anticipate production levels. Even so, several unnamed Belgian youths of foreign extraction set Mannekin Pis on fire last night in protest against what they called the EU's unfair limitation of their freedom of expression. Said one: "We protest against this censorship and discrimination by Brussels. We must fight for our right to torch as many cars as we see fit!"

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