Friday, March 12, 2010

New York City Politician Proposes Ban on Oxygen

NEW YORK CITY -- (CNN -- ) -- On the heels of Feliz Ortiz's proposal to ban salt in all NYC restaurant cooking, his colleague Nick Reaper has now proposed a ban on all oxygen in the greater NYC area. The move comes as an attempt to improve the health and safety of New Yorkers by reducing fire hazards.

Reaper admits that prior to submitting his bill he had not fully researched the role of oxygen in the functioning of human physiology.

"I did not think that was necessary," he said. "The testimony of FDNY personnel and physical scientists is incontrovertible. Oxygen is an essential factor in fires. There would be no fires without oxygen. Banning it is a sensible way to prevent devastating and costly fire hazards in New York City. If only oxygen had been banned in the 19th century, we might not have had a tragedy like the Triangle Shirtwaist Factory Fire or, dare I say it, the fireballs from -- uh -- more recent New York history."

Initial public reaction to the proposed ban has been mixed. One wit on the street opined that instead of banning oxygen the gas, Reaper would better serve New York by banning Oxygen the TV channel.

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Monday, December 28, 2009

TSA Security Personnel Issued New ID Cards

DETROIT -- BBC -- (Boxers Briefs Corporation News) -- In the aftermath of the failed Christmas Day terrorist attempt that involved a man attempting to detonate a bomb hidden in his underwear, new security measures have been put in place. All airline passengers will now be required to drop trou at security checkpoints.

In light of this, TSA employees will be issued new identification cards that read "Bikini Inspector."

Former President Bill Clinton expressed regret that this new "panty raid security" was not in place during his administration. Monica Lewinsky was unable for comment.

The overwhelming response from beleaguered air travelers now burdened by even more inconveniences has been negative. Nevertheless, the BBC was able to find one traveler who approved of the new measures.

"Let's be honest here," said the unnamed passenger. "Now it's legal for me to do what I've been wanting to do for quite some time. Here is my opinion of these never-ending so-called security measures that clearly haven't worked at all."

He then proceeded to moon the TSA.

Thursday, December 24, 2009

EPA Bans Coal in Christmas Stockings

WASHINGTON, DC-- (CNN -- Candycane News Network) -- In an attempt to promote a more environmentally-friendly holiday season, the Environmental Protection Agency has banned the use of coal as a stocking stuffer for naughty children in the US.

EPA spokesperson Rich Greene noted, "You better watch out; you better not cry; you better not pout. Instead of coal, which is producing masses of pollution from dirty power plants, we recommend that Santa Claus fill the stockings with carbon offset credits instead."

Greene added that Mr. Claus will be heavily fined if he does not comply. Mr. Claus has already been under fire from various environmental and animal-rights groups for his use of reindeer.

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Friday, May 15, 2009

In Attempt to Close Deficit, Government Introduces New Tax on Taxes

WASHINGTON, DC -- (CNN -- Cash News Network) -- In the latest attempt to close the budget gap of ballooning public debt and massive deficit spending, Congress and the President have created a new, if controversial, revenue stream. In a press conference this morning, Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi (D-California) and President Obama unveiled two new taxes, which will be levied on current taxes and on taxpayers for being taxpayers.

"In effect," said Pelosi, "we will be taxing your taxes. If you are already paying taxes, then clearly you are a member of the evil rich, and you should be soaked for your resources so we can spread the wealth around. You will now be paying an additional tax on every tax that you currently pay. You will also pay another tax for the fact that your name is on the tax rolls. No, this is not odd. If city mayors can tax college students for being college students, I see no reason why we cannot tax taxpayers for being taxpayers.

"Oh, and you will now have to pay a substantial processing fee to the IRS every time you pay your taxes since it is expending manpower and resources to collect those taxes and to maintain the tax rolls."

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Saturday, April 18, 2009

Department of Homeland Security Issues "No Read List"

WASHINGTON, DC -- (CNN -- Cretin News Network) -- In a follow-up to last week's highly controversial report on alleged right-wing extremism, the Department of Homeland Security has now issued a No Read List.

DHS head Janet Napolitano explained that the No Read List is similar in purpose to the well-known No Fly List: "As certain individuals have been flagged as potential security threats and therefore placed on the No Fly List to prevent them traveling and attempting perhaps to mount another 9/11-style attack, the DHS and I believe that some books are also potential security threats and should not be read, both for your own safety and the safety of others."

The new DHS No Read List includes the following potentially subversive works. According to Napolitano, "This list is a work in progress; check back frequently for new additions as the DHS works to ensure your safety -- even from your own selves."

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Tuesday, April 14, 2009

Due to Popular Demand, IRS Introduces Taxpayer Earmarks

WASHINGTON, DC -- (CNN -- Currency News Network) -- In a response to increasing public demand, the Internal Revenue Service is instituting a new policy in time for Tax Day 2009.

In a morning press conference, IRS spokeswoman Debi Torre stated, "This may seem insane, but it's no more insane than the rest of the illegible and, frankly, illogical if not incomprehensible tax code in general.

"Our new policy of tax earmarks allows the individual taxpayers to designate the specific government programs to which they wish their taxes to be directed. We're doing this in response to popular demand, as taxpayers are increasingly agitated about government earmarks. It seems only fair to give taxpayers a say (however tiny and insignificant) in where their own money goes. Early response to this pilot program has been very positive, with taxpayers eagerly wishing to fund pirate-shooting Navy SEALS while eagerly wishing to not fund government bailouts of automakers.

"Who knows? This program could work wonders for the increasingly irate American taxpayer. Then maybe the IRS won't be so darn unpopular. Let me tell you, April is horrible for my self-esteem, not to mention my posture, as I usually have to spend it hiding under my desk as enraged citizens besiege the office building, waving 1040 forms."

Government officials are already complaining about the new policy, claiming that they will be heavily hampered in their spending sprees by the wishes of the citizen taxpayers.

"Oh, it's horrible, horrible," said one senator, speaking to CNN on condition of anonymity. "This policy will force us to go cold turkey on some pork projects, and I don't know if we can handle exercising self-control. It's a totally foreign concept. Still, there is something even worse than being restrained. We could be held...I can hardly say the word!...accountable."

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Wednesday, February 11, 2009

Cunning Government Plan Revealed: Stimulus Bill to Lay Foundation for New Clean Power Plants

WASHINGTON, DC -- (CNN -- Catastrophe News Network) -- US Secretary of Energy Steven Chu in a press conference today unveiled the true purpose behind the economic stimulus bill that recently passed through Congress. Contrary to popular belief that this bill is intended to rescue the tanking US economy, the Department of Energy stated that it was actually part of an elaborate scheme to achieve American energy independence while expanding safe clean energy.

"As you know, " said Secretary Chu, "we are eager to explore new sources and uses of clean renewable energy while avoiding nuclear energy. We've studied and experimented with geothermal, hydroelectric, wind, and solar, but we're still not producing enough kilowatts from these sources. I am therefore happy to say now that we have found a reliable new energy source that does not produce the same pollution as power plants burning coal or oil and does not carry the radioactive risk of nuclear power facilities.

"The stimulus bill is actually the core of a new energy initative to produce electricity with clean plants fueled entirely by the steam coming from the ears of millions of angry American taxpayers. We have been delighted that we have already produced enough electricity to light up New York City for ten years with the national outrage over the stimulus bill.

"Even better, we know that we have a fully renewable energy source. Whenever the country has an energy shortage, we will simply hook up the taxpayers to the turbines, pass another huge pork-filled government spending bill or bailout or tax increase, and watch those turbines start to spin as the steam pours out of those citizens' ears. The angrier the taxpayer, the more steam he or she produces, and I am happy to report also that the taxpayer's capacity for anger is infinite. This is happily matched by the government's infinite ability to create infuriating spending policy. Our energy problems are solved."

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Thursday, November 06, 2008

World Leaders Text Obama: "OMG, UDM BFF!!! XOXOXO"

WASHINGTON, DC -- (CNN -- Cyberspace News Network) -- As Barack Obama clinched the presidency of the United States in a decisive election victory, politicians around the world have been sending him their well wishes and congratulations.

Instead of using traditional modes of communication such as telephone or letter, however, this time world leaders are proving their technological savvy by taking up their BlackBerries and iPhones instead. President-elect Obama has been inundated by a flood of effusively congratulatory text messages. CNN is able to confirm that the majority of these texts contain one or more of the following words: "BFF!!!!," "OMG, "UDM," and "XOXOXOXO." The remaining 1% consisted solely of smiley-face emoticons.

These text messages are overall nearly identical to texts sent to Obama from members of the press.

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Tuesday, September 23, 2008

US Congress in Rehab for OPM Addiction

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- (CNN -- Currency News Network) -- After an intervention carried out by 300 million concerned, pitchfork-wielding citizens, the United States Congress has checked itself into the Betty Ford clinic for its OPM addiction.

Dr. Phil Goode, head of the medical team overseeing Congress' detox and rehab regimen, noted the severity of the case in a press conference. "I won't lie to you: Congress is in a very dangerous state. OPM is a hundred times more addictive than any other known drug, and OPM addiction is nearly impossible to cure once it has established a foothold in a politician's soul. Congress's plan for a $700 billion bailout is a desperate cry for help and one of the worst that I've seen; the OPM addiction is completely out of control."

OPM is the street name for the highly addictive substance "other people's money."

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Monday, September 08, 2008

Animal Rights Activists Horrified as Mooseburger Mania Sweeps the Nation

WASILLA, Alaska -- CNN -- (Culinary News Network) -- The recent meteoric rise of GOP vice-presidential candidate Sarah Palin of Alaska has yielded unintended consequences for American kitchens. The Alaskan governor's open affection for mooseburgers has spawned a nationwide craze for moose meat that has horrified animal rights activists.

Moose is classified as wild game, and therefore it is unavailable for sale according to US law. Eager consumers, however, are flocking to Maine, Alaska, and other moose habitats to hunt their own moose or even hire local hunters to harvest moose on their behalf.

PETA's main office has released "Moose Massacre Madness," a pamphlet condemning the rise in moose meat consumption. The pamphlet, featuring a Photoshopped image of a scowling, Rambo-like Palin mowing down a herd of cute cartoon moose with a blazing Kalashnikov, backfired, instantly becoming a hot collector's item among Palin fans. Immediately afterward and adding to PETA's chagrin, Governor Palin's office in Juneau released more of her favorite moose recipes, expanding the craze beyond mooseburgers to moose meatloaf, moose lasagna, and moose stroganoff. CNN has learned that the Food Network is now frantically filming a moosemeat special to capitalize on the current craze, while video game companies are following suit by creating first-person-shooter-type moose-hunting games.

An anonymous source in the Palin campaign confided to CNN: "We had no idea that Sarahcuda's mere recipes would have such an effect! It's like a dream: the moosemeat craze has reinvigorated good old-fashioned ideas like responsible gun ownership, private enterprise, capitalism, and rugged individualism -- plus a really great burger and the sheer wicked pleasure of driving PETA insane. What a great day to be GOP. God bless America, and please pass the ketchup."

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Wednesday, July 16, 2008

"The Dark Knight" Pre-emptively Sweeps the Oscars

HOLLYWOOD, California -- CNN -- (Celluloid News Network) -- In an unprecedented move, the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences has pre-emptively given all its 2008 Oscars to the upcoming film "The Dark Knight."

Academy spokesman Phil D. Weathervane explained, "While it is true that most members of the Academy have not yet even seen 'The Dark Knight,' we feel quite justified in giving it all upcoming Oscars. Why? Because the rabid fan base of the film says so and because the earliest reviews of the film have already hailed it as a masterpiece, a crime epic of gritty Scorsesean scale, a film so uncannily awesome that it transcends the boundaries of time and space, and the best thing since sliced bread. Look, Peter Travers himself says, and I quote, that it 'soars on the wings of untamed imagination'! If even Travers has turned into a sighing teenaged fangirl spewing out purple prose worthy of grocery-store pulp romances, then, heck, this thing must be the best film ever made in the history of mankind -- because the hype says so! It'll have you 'staggering from the theater, stunned by its scope and complexity'!

"Such examples of panting, swooning, utterly ludicrous hyperbole must be answered -- and, besides, like all brave Hollywood types, I can't bear the thought of being criticized by the fans. The initial call for a posthumous Oscar for Heath "Coulda Been...Marlon Brando" Ledger has now become a call for Oscars all around. Besides, to be perfectly honest, wouldn't you rather just have us give every Academy Award to the film now instead of subjecting you to a 4-hour televised ceremony later?"

"The Dark Knight," the Batman sequel starring Christian Bale, Heath Ledger, and Aaron Eckhart, has not yet been released for public viewing. It will be available nationwide on July 18.


Monday, January 07, 2008

Protesters Demand that Klingon be an Official Language of the CES

LAS VEGAS, Nevada -- (CNN -- Cyborg News Network) -- The 2008 Consumer Electronics Show has opened in Las Vegas, but technology's grand annual event is not without controversy. A vocal group of unhappy technophiles has set up a protest outside the venue. Their demand: that Klingon be an official language of the CES. The CES's current language options are Chinese, English, French, Japanese, Korean, and Spanish.

"This is supposed to be a celebration of technology and the culture of technology," said protester Lorgh son of Rodek, though his driver's license identified the self-proclaimed Klingon commander as "Tom Phoolerie."

"The omission of the Klingon language is an insult to the high percentage of technophiles who are also Trekkies. To ignore this social and cultural reality is an insult to our honor that must be avenged by bat'leths if necessary-- I mean, is an omission that we find very distressing and counter to today's inclusive multicultural society."

Monday, December 17, 2007

Song "Let It Snow" Banned at Airports

CHICAGO, Illinois -- (CNN -- Concourse News Network) -- The popular Christmas season song "Let It Snow! Let It Snow! Let It Snow!" has temporarily been banned from major airports in the Midwest and East Coast of the United States.

The seasonal ditty written in 1945, usually popular during this time of year, is now persona non grata after massive snowstorms brought air travel to a grinding halt in many American cities. Heavy snowfall and icy conditions have shut down runways and delayed or canceled hundreds of flights, leaving tens of thousands of unhappy travelers stuck in airports nationwide. Problems have ranged from missed connections to being stranded overnight at various unfamiliar locations.

In an attempt to manage the problem, FAA officials have struck "Let It Snow! Let It Snow! let It Snow!" from the radio airwaves at major airports. FAA spokewoman Blanca Nieves spoke to CNN via telephone, since weather conditions prevented CNN correspondents from interviewing Ms. Nieves personally.

"As a preventative measure in the interest of public order and public safety, we have decided to stop playing this song," said Ms. Nieves. "The last thing that thousands of frustrated travelers need is a cheerful reminder of why they're stuck for hours in crowded airports. We don't want riots to break out. Also, since many people may miss the holiday because of canceled flights, we're also asking airports not to play the song 'I'll Be Home for Christmas.'"

(This report filed by email from CNN reporters whose flight was canceled and who are currently sitting on the floor in an undisclosed concourse of Chicago O'Hare airport.)

Friday, July 13, 2007

Progressive Activists Demand that Hogwarts School Become a Wand-Free Zone

HOGSMEADE, UK -- (CNN -- Charms New Network) -- Progressives, social activists, and peace protestors have demanded that Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry be officially designated a wand-free zone. Today, this coalition in favor of restricting the possession and usage of magical wands placed a full-page ad in the Daily Prophet, the main print news media source for the British wizarding community.

Spokeswitch Olivia Branch told CNN, "We absolutely want Hogwarts to be a wand-free zone. Wands are ultimately weapons and can cause injury and even death. We learned the terrible power of wands during You Know Who's reign of terror; we know as a fact that the Three Unforgivable Curses can be performed only with wands. Therefore, we believe that, in the interest of public safety, we must limit access to wands, especially at schools. Only in this way can we guarantee that schools will be safe. Children should be taught about wands, but we do not believe that they should have personal access. We are simply taking the logical next step to our esteemed colleague and supporter Professor Umbridge's innovative, progressive, and reform-minded approach. We must get away from our old-fashioned notions of violence as a solution to violence."

Professor Dolores Umbridge has stirred much comment upon her accession to the post of High Inquisitor of Hogwarts in addition to her duties as teacher of Defense Against the Dark Arts. In this class, she has spearheaded the effort to prioritize theoretical and historical approaches in the implementation of risk-free, controlled environments for dealing with Dark Arts according to carefully specified Ministry of Magic-approved educational protocols. Wands are put away during class sessions that employ strategies for increased reading and writing across the curriculum.

This initiative to ban wands from schools and other designated wand-free areas have met with fierce and vocal opposition from the National Wand Association. Spokeswizard Max Kaster insisted, "The banning of wands from any location means only that the unwanded people in those places will be absolutely vulnerable to attack if a threat comes onto the grounds. A wand-free location means that law-abiding witches and wizards will not possess wands. Do you think Volde -- I mean, You Know Who -- will meekly leave his wand at the school door if he decides to attack Hogwarts? Without wands, the teachers and students will be powerless -- they won't be able to defend themselves with even a simple Expelliarmus spell.

"Look, we might as well come to the grips with the reality that we live in a dangerous world and we have a responsibility -- nay, the duty -- to both warn our children about the dangers and to teach themselves how to protect themselves. Life is not a risk-free, controlled environment, and neither is it a wand-free zone. Pretending evil doesn't exist and then attempting to create artificial safety zones are not only useless but dangerous exercises in willful denial. I tell you now, if Hogwarts bans wands, I will pull my children out and my wife and I will home-school them personally in the defensive use of wands."

Note: at this moment in the interview, Ministry of Magic security personnel appeared and hustled Mr. Kaster away. Ministry official Percival Weasley then gave CNN a press release stating that all reports of You Know Who's return are lies propagated by unstable teenager Harry Potter and seditious former Hogwarts headmaster Albus Dumbledore.