EPA Bans Coal in Christmas Stockings

WASHINGTON, DC-- (CNN -- Candycane News Network) -- In an attempt to promote a more environmentally-friendly holiday season, the Environmental Protection Agency has banned the use of coal as a stocking stuffer for naughty children in the US.

EPA spokesperson Rich Greene noted, "You better watch out; you better not cry; you better not pout. Instead of coal, which is producing masses of pollution from dirty power plants, we recommend that Santa Claus fill the stockings with carbon offset credits instead."

Greene added that Mr. Claus will be heavily fined if he does not comply. Mr. Claus has already been under fire from various environmental and animal-rights groups for his use of reindeer.