"The Dark Knight" Pre-emptively Sweeps the Oscars

HOLLYWOOD, California -- CNN -- (Celluloid News Network) -- In an unprecedented move, the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences has pre-emptively given all its 2008 Oscars to the upcoming film "The Dark Knight."

Academy spokesman Phil D. Weathervane explained, "While it is true that most members of the Academy have not yet even seen 'The Dark Knight,' we feel quite justified in giving it all upcoming Oscars. Why? Because the rabid fan base of the film says so and because the earliest reviews of the film have already hailed it as a masterpiece, a crime epic of gritty Scorsesean scale, a film so uncannily awesome that it transcends the boundaries of time and space, and the best thing since sliced bread. Look, Peter Travers himself says, and I quote, that it 'soars on the wings of untamed imagination'! If even Travers has turned into a sighing teenaged fangirl spewing out purple prose worthy of grocery-store pulp romances, then, heck, this thing must be the best film ever made in the history of mankind -- because the hype says so! It'll have you 'staggering from the theater, stunned by its scope and complexity'!

"Such examples of panting, swooning, utterly ludicrous hyperbole must be answered -- and, besides, like all brave Hollywood types, I can't bear the thought of being criticized by the fans. The initial call for a posthumous Oscar for Heath "Coulda Been...Marlon Brando" Ledger has now become a call for Oscars all around. Besides, to be perfectly honest, wouldn't you rather just have us give every Academy Award to the film now instead of subjecting you to a 4-hour televised ceremony later?"

"The Dark Knight," the Batman sequel starring Christian Bale, Heath Ledger, and Aaron Eckhart, has not yet been released for public viewing. It will be available nationwide on July 18.