Thursday, December 22, 2005

North Pole Rocked by Santa Spying Revelation

NORTH POLE -- (CNN -- Caribou News Network) -- The recent revelation of US anti-terror spying has now found a twin in the usually calm and cheerful domain of Santa Claus. The jolly gift-giver is currently under fire after North Pole sources revealed that he had authorized the secret surveillance of millions of unsuspecting children without first obtaining warrants.

The whistleblower was an elf who spoke with CNN on condition of anonymity. "Santa's head of a Karl Rovian network of wire taps, phone taps, email surveillance, and many other forms of spying. But the truly diabolical thing is how he has managed to do this for years without detection. He's been doing it under our very noses. But I finally started getting suspicious after listening to the lyrics of 'Santa Claus Is Coming to Town' for the millionth time. After all, they do say:

You better watch out
You better not cry
Better not pout
I'm telling you why
Santa Claus is coming to town
He's making a list
And checking it twice;
Gonna find out
Who's naughty and nice
Santa Claus is coming to town
He sees you when you're sleeping
He knows when you're awake
He knows if you've been bad or good
So be good for goodness sake!

Now think about it--how would Santa know all these things if he didn't have a sophisticated spy network? And all this time we all thought he knew because he was the magical embodiment of holiday cheer. Santa lied!! Impeach Santa!!!"

The elf then returned to the protestors gathered outside the workshop, bearing placards which said "SANTA = SATAN," "How Dare You Judge Us," and "Toddlers Are Not Terrorists!"

Santa Claus was unavailable for comment, though all Christmas music has reportedly now been banned from the elves' workshops. The Claus camp did release a written statement warning that any journalists who insist on trespassing on Claus territory will receive nothing but coal in their Christmas stockings this year.


Anonymous J.Doe said...

I just knew Santa was in on some illegal surveillance. I say impeach him and let the whistleblower elf get the job.

3:09 AM  

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