Bush Supports Ban on Torturing Grad Students
WASHINGTON, D.C. -- (CNN -- Campus News Network) -- President Bush has agreed to support a ban on torture. The ban also outlaws any ''cruel, inhuman, or degrading treatment or punishment" of terror suspects and detainees. In the spirit of this decision, the president has this morning issued a similar ban on the ill treatment of graduate students on American campuses. "If we're going to ban one kind of torture, we might as well ban all kinds of torture," he said.
The decision has been hailed by grad student unions and associations. One student, speaking on condition of anonymity, said,"Yes, we are very happy. Under the current system, we are all too familar with 'cruel, inhuman, and degrading treatment.' Our overlords -- I mean, our distinguished professors and learned administration-- give us so much work and so little money that we do not sleep enough, we suffer from stress, we feel isolated from the world outside campus, we are constantly humiliated for our mistakes, and we have no time for friends or family because we are locked away in libraries and laboratories. 50% of all grad students do not finish their degrees -- they drop like flies under the current system."
Some professors are criticizing the presidential ban as unfair interference by government into campus affairs. One unnamed scholar responded: "This clearly demonstrates how ignorant Chimpy McBusHitlerburton -- I mean, President Bush -- is of our long-established academic traditions. Everyone knows that you do not come to grad school for humane treatment. The only humanity here, I'm pleased to say, is in the name of the Humanities department. No, you come to grad school to have your weak provincial mind re-programmed by the opinions of your professors, who are infallible in all things. Now repeat after me: No blood for oil. Iraq is Vietnam. Bush is Satan."
The President's office issued a written statement: "We note with sadness that one truth still remains in both academia and politics: No good deed goes unpunished."
The decision has been hailed by grad student unions and associations. One student, speaking on condition of anonymity, said,"Yes, we are very happy. Under the current system, we are all too familar with 'cruel, inhuman, and degrading treatment.' Our overlords -- I mean, our distinguished professors and learned administration-- give us so much work and so little money that we do not sleep enough, we suffer from stress, we feel isolated from the world outside campus, we are constantly humiliated for our mistakes, and we have no time for friends or family because we are locked away in libraries and laboratories. 50% of all grad students do not finish their degrees -- they drop like flies under the current system."
Some professors are criticizing the presidential ban as unfair interference by government into campus affairs. One unnamed scholar responded: "This clearly demonstrates how ignorant Chimpy McBusHitlerburton -- I mean, President Bush -- is of our long-established academic traditions. Everyone knows that you do not come to grad school for humane treatment. The only humanity here, I'm pleased to say, is in the name of the Humanities department. No, you come to grad school to have your weak provincial mind re-programmed by the opinions of your professors, who are infallible in all things. Now repeat after me: No blood for oil. Iraq is Vietnam. Bush is Satan."
The President's office issued a written statement: "We note with sadness that one truth still remains in both academia and politics: No good deed goes unpunished."
posted by Mad Minerva at 6:19 AM
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