Monday, December 12, 2005

Al Qaeda Leader Urges Jihad Against Westerns

CAIRO, Egypt -- (CNN -- Celluloid News Network) -- A new terror audio tape has emerged, clarifying a tape recently released by Al Qaeda number 2 man, Ayman al-Zawahiri. In the first tape, Zawahiri reportedly urged jihad against the West. The second tape, however, clarifies the terrorist leader's intentions. CNN's team of Arabic-English language experts have released the following transcript and translation:

*static*

"Is this thing on? Testing, testing . . . one, two, three . . .

It has come to my attention from watching CNN, Fox News, the BBC, and other MSM outlets that the infidels have misunderstood my first tape. They need to take more Arabic language lessons!

I specifically urged jihad against Westerns. Why do you think I timed the release of the tape to coincide with the release of the movie 'Brokeback Mountain'? This new Western is an affront to the cultural and ideological sensibilities of all good terrorists! The notion of gay cowboys is offensive to the very idea of a crushing totalitarian caliphate! In Iran, they execute gay cowboys -- in fact, my pals the mullahs execute all kinds of gays! It would be the same in Osamaworld once we defeat the infidels.

By the way, jihad against the West in general is still my official policy. If you language-challenged infidels want to know what I mean by 'the West,' I mean 'everybody whom I don't like.'

But for now, I call on all faithful Islamofascists to boycott the sinful, decadent, wicked Western movie 'Brokeback Mountain'!"

*static*
*end of tape*

In a phone interview, the film producers told CNN, "No, we're not too worried. Besides, we think all publicity is good publicity. We are going to have more people coming to see the film to see what all the fuss is about. Really, we ought to thank crazy old Zawahiri for giving our work this huge amount of free publicity! This is far more exposure than all our multi-million-dollar advertising campaigns could muster!"

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