Saturday, December 03, 2005

ACLU Files Suit Against Snow Angels

This satire was first posted on December 23, 2004. I think it is still relevant, though, as the annual "Christmas Culture Wars" are once more in full swing. Enjoy.
WHOVILLE, Middle America -- (HNN -- Holiday News Network) -- Snow angels are under attack from the ACLU in the latest incident of holiday-related acrimony.

Several families have received an unwelcome visit this holiday season -- not from jolly Saint Nick bringing presents, but from the ACLU's lawyers bringing fresh lawsuits. HNN has learned that the reason for the legal action is that the families' children were allowed to make snow angels on the front lawn of Whoville City Hall.

In a HNN interview today on the City Hall lawn, local ACLU spokesman Hugh Moreless said, "Snow angels clearly connote angels, which in turn clearly connote Christianity. This in turn is offensive proselytizing and cultural oppression of religious minorities and atheists, a battle for civil liberties which we have been combatting for a long time with our anti-Christmas -- I mean, pro-generic winter holiday -- agenda. Furthermore, these children made snow angels on the lawn of City Hall, thus violating the separation of church and state."

The spokeswoman for the families and herself the mother of a 6-year-old alleged snow angel maker, Mrs. Holly Daze insisted that the snow games were innocuous. "The children were out playing! This is simply the ACLU's latest effort to force their Bah Humbug on our fun and spoil our freedom as Americans to seek life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness. Happiness for our children meant making snow angels! Maybe the ACLU would lighten up if they actually joined in the games."

Mrs. Daze then reached down and formed a snowball, which she lobbed at Mr. Moreless. He responded by immediately filing charges of assault, incitement to violence, and hate speech.

All winter games have been banned from City Hall property until the ACLU lawsuit has been decided in federal court.


Anonymous J.Doe said...

Oh no! I used to make snow angels every winter when i snowed. Does that mean I'm a criminal now?

9:33 AM  
Blogger Mad Minerva said...

Nope, it just means you're a reasonable, happy, well-adjusted person who likes to have fun. Of course, if some crazy extremists have their way, maybe that *is* a crime...If so, I'll be a big fat criminal right with you!

9:27 AM  
Blogger Mike said...

I just made a snow angel!! Quick, how do I secularize it so I don't get arrested?

12:49 PM  

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