Tuesday, January 24, 2006

Canada Votes for Conservatives; Expat Leftist Americans Prepare to Flee

OTTAWA, Canada -- (CNN -- Canadian News Network) -- Twelve years of Liberal rule in Canada ended with the election victory of Stephen Harper and the Conservatives. An unexpected consequence of this political realignment has been the sudden displacement of a number of American expatriates who had moved to Canada to avoid what they considered the overly-conservative America of U.S. President George W. Bush.

CNN interviewed Mona Griper, leader of one such expat association in Quebec. "We must again go into voluntary political exile," she said, as she packed her luxury SUV full of her belongings. "After the 2004 election, we came here to Canada because it was a Liberal haven. We came specifically to Quebec because it was French, for goodness sake! How much more anti-Bush can you get? But we have been sorely disappointed. Canada voted for the Conservatives. Even Quebec voted for them! We have to leave."

Ms. Griper further complained, "Soon there be nowhere left in the world for people like us. We refuse to live in Bush's America. But now we're shut out of Britain, Australia, Germany, and now our old reliable Canada has turned to the Dark Side! The world is turning into a place full of tax-cutting, crime-fighting, democracy-preaching, America-friendly, right-wing extremist nutjob neocons! Bush! Blair! Howard! Merkel! Now Harper!"

The CNN interview ended as Ms. Griper and her fellow expats ceremonially burned a large pile of Canadian hockey equipment. This act of symbolic defiance against Canadian icons produced an unintended result, as native Canadians of all political parties suddenly converged on the bonfire and proceeded to calmly and politely unite against the expatriates by singing "O Canada," extinguishing the flames with maple syrup, and diving into the fire to rescue the hockey equipment.

"See!" shouted Ms. Griper. "This is what happens to free speech in Harper's Bushlike Canadian hell! No blood for oil! Israel out of Palestine!"

One unnamed Canadian managed to stuff Ms. Griper into her SUV, saying as he did so: "Don't let the border crossing hit you on the butt on your way out of Canada, eh!"


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