Gaia Fails to Appear at Live Earth Concert
Concert organizer Melody Singer said to CNN, " We had been hoping that Gaia would come as promised, since all this is for her. However, it seems that all the recent attention has turned this pristine primeval green deity into just another spoiled, selfish celebrity. Instead of heeding our bidding to come and threaten the world's billions of unrepentant carbon-emitting sinners with apocalyptic fire, she has failed to show up at all. Well, we'll show her. We don't need her anyway, that temperamental, ungrateful (deleted)."
CNN was able to locate Gaia at home in her posh Manhattan residence, where she spoke with CNN via phone.
"Dahling," said the green deity, "it's not that I am purposefully insulting the little Greenies and Gore's disciples. It's simply that I can't be bothered right now. Dahling, is the height of the summer swimsuit season, and I really am very busy. If I seem a bit warm, it's because -- truth be told -- I've been either sunbathing at the beach or visiting the tanning salon. You're a mere mortal male reporter -- you can't possibly understand how much work it takes, especially at my age, to look as good as I do."
When asked about the missed concerts, Gaia replied, "When you've been alive as long as I have, a concert isn't really such a big deal. I'm actually listening to all the music on my beautiful, brand-new iPhone. And anyway, look at all the crowds, the queues, the traffic, the porto-potties! No thank you. Plus, how can these Live Earth people really expect me to share the spotlight with all those rock stars? I refuse to play second fiddle to Madonna and Spinal Tap. I've never even met Al Gore. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm off to the beach."