Environmentalists Criticize Independence Day Pollution
In a press release this morning, spokesperson Bea Greene said, "The traditional ways with which the vast majority of Americans celebrate the Fourth of July are, in reality, dangerous sources of unnecessary pollution and carbon emissions. The historical hallmarks of the day, such as parades, cookouts and barbecue picnics, and of course, firework displays, are all environmentally destructive. We believe that by celebrating with these traditional methods, Americans are in fact being irresponsible polluters who will increase anthropogenic global warming and destroy the Earth. Therefore, we of the Al Gore Cult -- I mean, the environmental movement -- offer the following suggestions for a green, eco-conscious celebration.
1. Instead of grilling hamburgers, hot dogs, and other food items made from poor defenseless animals, eat raw sprouts, tofu, and granola. Grills and barbecues cause carbon emissions!
2. Cancel all parades. The cars, floats, and participants cause carbon emissions!
3. Stop celebrating America. Certainly, her technological achievements, industrial innovations, economic strength, and high standard of living are the envy of the world, but all these marks of modern America cause carbon emissions!
4. Cancel all fireworks displays. Fireworks cause massive carbon emissions! Instead, we suggest you watch 'An Inconvenient Truth' at home while eating your granola and lamenting the evils of the industrialized USA.
Thank you and may Gaia have mercy on your wicked pollutant-stained souls."