Canada Announces Fees for Cold Front Exports to U.S.

Ottawa, CANADA -- (CNN -- Celsius News Network) -- Canada has announced that it will now charge the United States for its use of cold Canadian air during the winter months. Historically, cold fronts originating in Canada have regularly swept into the U.S. free of charge, but now things are about to change.

During a press conference this morning, Canadian government spokeswomen Bea Verr-Hunter explained. "For decades now -- centuries, even -- we Canadians have provided our southern neighbor the United States with plentiful free cold fronts and chilly weather during the winter. In fact, along with maple syrup and hockey players, cold fronts comprise one of Canada's major exports.

"This is a fact which the Americans have never disputed. On weather forecasts all over the U.S. during the winter, meterologists are forever talking about the arrival of the next cold front or cold air mass from Canada. One type of this export has even been given a name: the Alberta Clipper.

"But it has come to our attention that instead of embracing, welcoming, or appreciating Canada's gifts of free cold fronts, the American public constantly complains about our weather largess. Every time we send a cold front to the U.S., Americans complain. We Canadians have no choice now but to charge fees for our product. Perhaps the Americans will better appreciate cold weather more when they have to pay for it. And, after all, what is winter without Canadian cold fronts? No winter at all, frankly."

The Canadian government also announced that it will post more members of the Royal Canadian Mounted Police at the U.S.-Canadian border to prevent the illegal smuggling of cold air from Canada into American territory. Aside from providing tangible law enforcement, the presence of the mounted troops is thought to destroy any illegal shipments of cold fronts, since a large segment of female opinion maintains that many of the so-called "Mounties" are hot and would therefore melt any such shipments by their presence.

The American government has responded to the new Canadian weather tax by calling on the extreme northern state of Alaska to increase production of cold war for the rest of the nation.