Monday, December 28, 2009

TSA Security Personnel Issued New ID Cards

DETROIT -- BBC -- (Boxers Briefs Corporation News) -- In the aftermath of the failed Christmas Day terrorist attempt that involved a man attempting to detonate a bomb hidden in his underwear, new security measures have been put in place. All airline passengers will now be required to drop trou at security checkpoints.

In light of this, TSA employees will be issued new identification cards that read "Bikini Inspector."

Former President Bill Clinton expressed regret that this new "panty raid security" was not in place during his administration. Monica Lewinsky was unable for comment.

The overwhelming response from beleaguered air travelers now burdened by even more inconveniences has been negative. Nevertheless, the BBC was able to find one traveler who approved of the new measures.

"Let's be honest here," said the unnamed passenger. "Now it's legal for me to do what I've been wanting to do for quite some time. Here is my opinion of these never-ending so-called security measures that clearly haven't worked at all."

He then proceeded to moon the TSA.

Thursday, December 24, 2009

EPA Bans Coal in Christmas Stockings

WASHINGTON, DC-- (CNN -- Candycane News Network) -- In an attempt to promote a more environmentally-friendly holiday season, the Environmental Protection Agency has banned the use of coal as a stocking stuffer for naughty children in the US.

EPA spokesperson Rich Greene noted, "You better watch out; you better not cry; you better not pout. Instead of coal, which is producing masses of pollution from dirty power plants, we recommend that Santa Claus fill the stockings with carbon offset credits instead."

Greene added that Mr. Claus will be heavily fined if he does not comply. Mr. Claus has already been under fire from various environmental and animal-rights groups for his use of reindeer.

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