Friday, July 28, 2006

Disneyland Sues Denmark for Happiness Copyright Infringement

ANAHEIM, California -- (CNN -- Cinderella News Network) -- The Walt Disney Company has today officially filed a lawsuit against Denmark, alleging that the diminutive Scandinavian nation has infringed Disney copyrights.

A recent study by the University of Leicester in the UK rated Denmark the happiest place on earth. While this maybe true in terms of Danes' outlook on life, the term "happiest place on earth" is the easily recognizable tagline in advertisements for Disneyland--a fact reflected even in United States postage stamps.

Disney is suing to stop Denmark from using the term "happiest place on earth" in any advertisements. Danish officials have yet issued no comment, though a source told CNN, "I'm sure tourists will be happier in Denmark -- we won't charge you $50 to come into a silly amusement park and take photos of people dressed like giant mice and ducks. "

A Disney spokesmouse in a phone interview told CNN: "Disneyland will protect its hotly contested title of 'happiest place.' If we have to, we will air-drop all our attorneys and law clerks into Denmark. That should put an end to their happiness rating once and for all."

Tuesday, July 25, 2006

L'Equipe Accuses Landis of Doping, Reports Endorphins and Adrenaline in Cyclist's Blood

PARIS, France -- (CNN -- Cycling News Network) -- The Tour de France has barely ended, but already rumors are swirling in the air like the scent of cafe au lait in the morning. The French sports publication L'Equipe has printed an explosive accusation in its latest issue.

According to L'Equipe, the new Tour winner, American Floyd Landis, produced blood tests which contained unusual substances: endorphins and epinephrine, also known as adrenaline. These are substances not found in the blood of French cyclists.

Landis has denied all claims of doping. A spokesman for American cycling noted, "The only thing Landis tested positive for is having true grit and courage. L'Equipe, on the other hand, consistently tests positive for envy and being sore losers."

Last year, L'Equipe accused 7-time Tour winner Lance Armstrong of doping.

Thursday, July 06, 2006

United Nations Frustrated with North Korea's Tantrums, Calls Supernanny

NEW YORK CITY, NY -- (CNN -- Colic News Network) -- In the wake of North Korea's test-firing of seven missiles, the United Nations has been embroiled in discussions on how to deal with the rogue state. Analysts and pundits have widely speculated that the provocative act displays Kim Jong-Il's obsessive desire to gain attention.

A CNN source in the world body has now revealed that the UN, unable to reach consensus on drafting a resolution against Pyongyang, has decided to enlist outside assistance.

"Clearly, Security Council resolutions, strongly worded letters, and frowns and finger-shaking from Kofi Annan are useless against an egotistical attention hog like Kim," said the unnamed source. "Then I realized that Kim was behaving much like my 3-year-old child at home. He yells and screams and throws temper tantrums in order to get attention. Therefore, I have suggested a new tactic to my superiors at the UN, and they have decided to follow my recommendation."

CNN is able to confirm that the UN will call on the well-known televised British child expert, Jo Frost the Supernanny , to deal with Kim Jong-Il.

In a phone interview, Frost confirmed this new assignment and also stated, "I see we have a lot of work to do. I will have to train both Kim and the UN, since the UN has clearly failed in its role as parent and let the spoiled baby run wild without boundaries. This is the worst case of parental weakness I've seen in a long time."