Saturday, April 18, 2009

Department of Homeland Security Issues "No Read List"

WASHINGTON, DC -- (CNN -- Cretin News Network) -- In a follow-up to last week's highly controversial report on alleged right-wing extremism, the Department of Homeland Security has now issued a No Read List.

DHS head Janet Napolitano explained that the No Read List is similar in purpose to the well-known No Fly List: "As certain individuals have been flagged as potential security threats and therefore placed on the No Fly List to prevent them traveling and attempting perhaps to mount another 9/11-style attack, the DHS and I believe that some books are also potential security threats and should not be read, both for your own safety and the safety of others."

The new DHS No Read List includes the following potentially subversive works. According to Napolitano, "This list is a work in progress; check back frequently for new additions as the DHS works to ensure your safety -- even from your own selves."

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Tuesday, April 14, 2009

Due to Popular Demand, IRS Introduces Taxpayer Earmarks

WASHINGTON, DC -- (CNN -- Currency News Network) -- In a response to increasing public demand, the Internal Revenue Service is instituting a new policy in time for Tax Day 2009.

In a morning press conference, IRS spokeswoman Debi Torre stated, "This may seem insane, but it's no more insane than the rest of the illegible and, frankly, illogical if not incomprehensible tax code in general.

"Our new policy of tax earmarks allows the individual taxpayers to designate the specific government programs to which they wish their taxes to be directed. We're doing this in response to popular demand, as taxpayers are increasingly agitated about government earmarks. It seems only fair to give taxpayers a say (however tiny and insignificant) in where their own money goes. Early response to this pilot program has been very positive, with taxpayers eagerly wishing to fund pirate-shooting Navy SEALS while eagerly wishing to not fund government bailouts of automakers.

"Who knows? This program could work wonders for the increasingly irate American taxpayer. Then maybe the IRS won't be so darn unpopular. Let me tell you, April is horrible for my self-esteem, not to mention my posture, as I usually have to spend it hiding under my desk as enraged citizens besiege the office building, waving 1040 forms."

Government officials are already complaining about the new policy, claiming that they will be heavily hampered in their spending sprees by the wishes of the citizen taxpayers.

"Oh, it's horrible, horrible," said one senator, speaking to CNN on condition of anonymity. "This policy will force us to go cold turkey on some pork projects, and I don't know if we can handle exercising self-control. It's a totally foreign concept. Still, there is something even worse than being restrained. We could be held...I can hardly say the word!...accountable."

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