Progressive Activists Demand that Hogwarts School Become a Wand-Free Zone

HOGSMEADE, UK -- (CNN -- Charms New Network) -- Progressives, social activists, and peace protestors have demanded that Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry be officially designated a wand-free zone. Today, this coalition in favor of restricting the possession and usage of magical wands placed a full-page ad in the Daily Prophet, the main print news media source for the British wizarding community.

Spokeswitch Olivia Branch told CNN, "We absolutely want Hogwarts to be a wand-free zone. Wands are ultimately weapons and can cause injury and even death. We learned the terrible power of wands during You Know Who's reign of terror; we know as a fact that the Three Unforgivable Curses can be performed only with wands. Therefore, we believe that, in the interest of public safety, we must limit access to wands, especially at schools. Only in this way can we guarantee that schools will be safe. Children should be taught about wands, but we do not believe that they should have personal access. We are simply taking the logical next step to our esteemed colleague and supporter Professor Umbridge's innovative, progressive, and reform-minded approach. We must get away from our old-fashioned notions of violence as a solution to violence."

Professor Dolores Umbridge has stirred much comment upon her accession to the post of High Inquisitor of Hogwarts in addition to her duties as teacher of Defense Against the Dark Arts. In this class, she has spearheaded the effort to prioritize theoretical and historical approaches in the implementation of risk-free, controlled environments for dealing with Dark Arts according to carefully specified Ministry of Magic-approved educational protocols. Wands are put away during class sessions that employ strategies for increased reading and writing across the curriculum.

This initiative to ban wands from schools and other designated wand-free areas have met with fierce and vocal opposition from the National Wand Association. Spokeswizard Max Kaster insisted, "The banning of wands from any location means only that the unwanded people in those places will be absolutely vulnerable to attack if a threat comes onto the grounds. A wand-free location means that law-abiding witches and wizards will not possess wands. Do you think Volde -- I mean, You Know Who -- will meekly leave his wand at the school door if he decides to attack Hogwarts? Without wands, the teachers and students will be powerless -- they won't be able to defend themselves with even a simple Expelliarmus spell.

"Look, we might as well come to the grips with the reality that we live in a dangerous world and we have a responsibility -- nay, the duty -- to both warn our children about the dangers and to teach themselves how to protect themselves. Life is not a risk-free, controlled environment, and neither is it a wand-free zone. Pretending evil doesn't exist and then attempting to create artificial safety zones are not only useless but dangerous exercises in willful denial. I tell you now, if Hogwarts bans wands, I will pull my children out and my wife and I will home-school them personally in the defensive use of wands."

Note: at this moment in the interview, Ministry of Magic security personnel appeared and hustled Mr. Kaster away. Ministry official Percival Weasley then gave CNN a press release stating that all reports of You Know Who's return are lies propagated by unstable teenager Harry Potter and seditious former Hogwarts headmaster Albus Dumbledore.

Gaia Fails to Appear at Live Earth Concert

NEW YORK CITY -- (CNN -- Carbon News Network) -- Live Earth concert planners were disappointed at the failure of Gaia to appear as scheduled at the concerts. The concerts, intended to raise awareness of global warming, are scheduled to take place in various cities around the globe.

Concert organizer Melody Singer said to CNN, " We had been hoping that Gaia would come as promised, since all this is for her. However, it seems that all the recent attention has turned this pristine primeval green deity into just another spoiled, selfish celebrity. Instead of heeding our bidding to come and threaten the world's billions of unrepentant carbon-emitting sinners with apocalyptic fire, she has failed to show up at all. Well, we'll show her. We don't need her anyway, that temperamental, ungrateful (deleted)."

CNN was able to locate Gaia at home in her posh Manhattan residence, where she spoke with CNN via phone.

"Dahling," said the green deity, "it's not that I am purposefully insulting the little Greenies and Gore's disciples. It's simply that I can't be bothered right now. Dahling, is the height of the summer swimsuit season, and I really am very busy. If I seem a bit warm, it's because -- truth be told -- I've been either sunbathing at the beach or visiting the tanning salon. You're a mere mortal male reporter -- you can't possibly understand how much work it takes, especially at my age, to look as good as I do."

When asked about the missed concerts, Gaia replied, "When you've been alive as long as I have, a concert isn't really such a big deal. I'm actually listening to all the music on my beautiful, brand-new iPhone. And anyway, look at all the crowds, the queues, the traffic, the porto-potties! No thank you. Plus, how can these Live Earth people really expect me to share the spotlight with all those rock stars? I refuse to play second fiddle to Madonna and Spinal Tap. I've never even met Al Gore. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm off to the beach."

Environmentalists Criticize Independence Day Pollution

WASHINGTON, DC -- (CNN -- Carbon News Network) -- Leading environmentalists are complaining today that Independence Day celebrations contain too much red, white, and blue and not enough green.

In a press release this morning, spokesperson Bea Greene said, "The traditional ways with which the vast majority of Americans celebrate the Fourth of July are, in reality, dangerous sources of unnecessary pollution and carbon emissions. The historical hallmarks of the day, such as parades, cookouts and barbecue picnics, and of course, firework displays, are all environmentally destructive. We believe that by celebrating with these traditional methods, Americans are in fact being irresponsible polluters who will increase anthropogenic global warming and destroy the Earth. Therefore, we of the Al Gore Cult -- I mean, the environmental movement -- offer the following suggestions for a green, eco-conscious celebration.

1. Instead of grilling hamburgers, hot dogs, and other food items made from poor defenseless animals, eat raw sprouts, tofu, and granola. Grills and barbecues cause carbon emissions!

2. Cancel all parades. The cars, floats, and participants cause carbon emissions!

3. Stop celebrating America. Certainly, her technological achievements, industrial innovations, economic strength, and high standard of living are the envy of the world, but all these marks of modern America cause carbon emissions!

4. Cancel all fireworks displays. Fireworks cause massive carbon emissions! Instead, we suggest you watch 'An Inconvenient Truth' at home while eating your granola and lamenting the evils of the industrialized USA.

Thank you and may Gaia have mercy on your wicked pollutant-stained souls."