Wednesday, February 22, 2006

Everybody Boycotts Everything; Feminists Demand Name Change to "Personcott"

HOLLYWOOD, California -- (CNN -- Copycat News Network) -- The latest, hottest trend in global affairs these days is officially the Boycott. The recent Arab boycotts of Danish goods following the cartoon controversy has brought the tactic of boycotting into the news spotlight, and now many others have embraced it for their own causes. Boycotting, in other words, is hot.

Within the last few days, the now-trendy tactic of boycotting has swept the globe. From angry movie fans threatening to boycott the next James Bond film to irate Catholics calling for a boycott of "South Park" in New Zealand, the world has jumped on the boycott bandwagon with gusto. Other recent examples -- among many -- include a proposed German boycott of an anti-American film and a suggested Arab boycott of the Knesset elections in Israel.

Social researchers say that boycotting, like most other trends, crazes, and fads, will soon fade into obscurity. Professor Ima Follower of Nerdville University, in her recent article on social patterns, said, "Boycotting is fashionable right now, but by next season it will be blase, passe, and 'sooooooo last season.' It will be duller and less exciting than last year's Valentino. I suggest that once the trend passes, participants will be embarrassed that they ever took part. Remember the Macarena dance craze from 10 years ago? Does anybody now ever admit to participating?"

Radical feminist groups, however, are unhappy with the boycotting trends and especially with the very term "boycott." They have recently issued a press release demanding that the name be changed to the non-gender-specific, politically correct "personcott."

Thursday, February 16, 2006

Top Indian Officials Announce Moratorium on All Outsourcing from France

New Dehli, INDIA -- (CNN -- Curry News Network) -- Top Indian leadership has announced a moratorium on all French outsourcing to India. In light of the recent international friction between India and France, Indian authorities have decided to halt its participation in French-based outsourcing enterprises.

"Our history of welcoming outsourced business from the West has clearly come back to bite us," said official Anuthasongweewill Singh. "Our citizens have eagerly taken up positions doing all kinds of things for foreign firms. In fact, when some Westerners think of the very words 'outsourcing for cheap labor,' they think of our glorious nation and our economic potential.

"But France's recent effort to outsource more than 30 tons of asbestos to India has crossed a line. There are limits to our outsourcing participation. From now on, France will have to dispose of its own toxic old warships. Furthermore, while the moratorium lasts, French companies will also have to answer their own phone calls from irate, ignorant customers. No more Mister Nice Guy -- outsourcing partners have standards too."

The asbestos-laden French warship which began the international row, the Clemenceau, is heading back to France. Indian religious leaders, in an unexpected move that reinforced the assessment of Indian health inspectors, earlier today officially declared the asbestos "untouchable."

When asked about the moratorium and a potential loss of jobs in India, Mr. Singh insisted that this was not a problem. "Heavens, no," he told CNN. "We have already found other positions in outsourcing -- answering calls for American computer companies. The only thing toxic about them is customers who are too lazy to RTFM."

Editor's Note: At this point in the interview, Mr. Singh was suddenly joined by a company of attractive young men and women dressed in bright outfits, who began to dance in intricate patterns while singing about computer tech support.

Wednesday, February 08, 2006

Canada Announces Fees for Cold Front Exports to U.S.

Ottawa, CANADA -- (CNN -- Celsius News Network) -- Canada has announced that it will now charge the United States for its use of cold Canadian air during the winter months. Historically, cold fronts originating in Canada have regularly swept into the U.S. free of charge, but now things are about to change.

During a press conference this morning, Canadian government spokeswomen Bea Verr-Hunter explained. "For decades now -- centuries, even -- we Canadians have provided our southern neighbor the United States with plentiful free cold fronts and chilly weather during the winter. In fact, along with maple syrup and hockey players, cold fronts comprise one of Canada's major exports.

"This is a fact which the Americans have never disputed. On weather forecasts all over the U.S. during the winter, meterologists are forever talking about the arrival of the next cold front or cold air mass from Canada. One type of this export has even been given a name: the Alberta Clipper.

"But it has come to our attention that instead of embracing, welcoming, or appreciating Canada's gifts of free cold fronts, the American public constantly complains about our weather largess. Every time we send a cold front to the U.S., Americans complain. We Canadians have no choice now but to charge fees for our product. Perhaps the Americans will better appreciate cold weather more when they have to pay for it. And, after all, what is winter without Canadian cold fronts? No winter at all, frankly."

The Canadian government also announced that it will post more members of the Royal Canadian Mounted Police at the U.S.-Canadian border to prevent the illegal smuggling of cold air from Canada into American territory. Aside from providing tangible law enforcement, the presence of the mounted troops is thought to destroy any illegal shipments of cold fronts, since a large segment of female opinion maintains that many of the so-called "Mounties" are hot and would therefore melt any such shipments by their presence.

The American government has responded to the new Canadian weather tax by calling on the extreme northern state of Alaska to increase production of cold war for the rest of the nation.