Oompa-Loompas and Christmas Elves Go on Crime Spree
HERSHEY, PA -- (CNN -- Chocolate News Network) -- In an unexpected burst of criminal behavior, roving bands of Oompa-Loompas and Christmas elves have been rampaging on a nationwide crime spree.
Delinquent Oompa-Loompas, best known as the musical little people in Willy Wonka's magical candy factory, have joined with elf rebels from Santa Claus's North Pole toy workshop. As these bands roam across the nation, they are looting shops, burning cars, throwing Molotov cocktails at police, and engaging in various acts of vandalism, theft, and robbery.
CNN interviewed the district attorney of an undisclosed town which was hit by the rampaging bands. When CNN asked why no criminal charges were being filed against the Oompa-Loopas or the elves, D.A. Justine Blinder only shook her head.
"I would very much like to file charges in court against these criminals," said Ms. Blinder. "But there is now a legal precedent which says the defendants, if convicted, cannot be sent to prison because they are too short to go to jail. Even if we take them to court, even if they are convicted of their crimes, they still would not go to jail. What's the point then of spending taxpayer money to take them to court?"
At this point, CNN was forced to end the interview as a fresh wave of Oompa-Loompas and elves attempted to set fire to the CNN news satellite truck while yelling "Nyah nyah nyah, can't send us to jail! Nyah nyah nyah!"
Delinquent Oompa-Loompas, best known as the musical little people in Willy Wonka's magical candy factory, have joined with elf rebels from Santa Claus's North Pole toy workshop. As these bands roam across the nation, they are looting shops, burning cars, throwing Molotov cocktails at police, and engaging in various acts of vandalism, theft, and robbery.
CNN interviewed the district attorney of an undisclosed town which was hit by the rampaging bands. When CNN asked why no criminal charges were being filed against the Oompa-Loopas or the elves, D.A. Justine Blinder only shook her head.
"I would very much like to file charges in court against these criminals," said Ms. Blinder. "But there is now a legal precedent which says the defendants, if convicted, cannot be sent to prison because they are too short to go to jail. Even if we take them to court, even if they are convicted of their crimes, they still would not go to jail. What's the point then of spending taxpayer money to take them to court?"
At this point, CNN was forced to end the interview as a fresh wave of Oompa-Loompas and elves attempted to set fire to the CNN news satellite truck while yelling "Nyah nyah nyah, can't send us to jail! Nyah nyah nyah!"
posted by Mad Minerva at 11:49 AM
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