Friday, March 31, 2006

Ivy League Officially Changes Name to "Academistan"

NEW YORK CITY, New York -- (CNN -- Campus News Network) -- The Ivy League, the most prestigious association of universities in the United States, has announced its intention to change its official name to "Academistan."

The decision was announced this morning by Ivy League spokesprofessors Ivee Tower and Ives Ori-Tour. The professors read a prepared statement which stated: "In light of recent and heavily publicized events, we of the Ivy League have decided that we can no longer deny the essential truth of our nature and our loyalties and sympathies. Ivy League members have in recent days made this clear to the greater world. We will not deny these events, and we will not criticize, curtail, or debate them.

"Open debating about controversial ideas is expressly forbidden on our elite campuses, and we will not tolerate any dissent on this most precious issue. Any deviation from campus orthodoxy will be crushed. We will cotinue to spread our message and convert as many people to our point of view as we can. Consider it our sacred mission in the ongoing culture wars. As a declaration of our pride in our identity, our total confidence in our elite superiority, and our complete refusal to engage with other opinions, we therefore announce that we are officially changing our name to Academistan."

The recent events of which the professors spoke have sparked debate and controversy both on and off campus. These include Columbia University inviting Libyan dictator Gaddafi to speak about democracy and Yale University welcoming a former Taliban spokeman as a student and also refusing to engage in open debate on this issue. Harvard University, self-proclaimed leader of the Ivy League, has three events to Yale and Columbia's single actions. Harvard has recently driven off its president who challenged campus ideological orthodoxy, accepted $20 million from a Saudi prince to establish an Islamic studies program, and published a research paper that feeds Zionist conspiracy theories.

The spokesprofessors also announced the the former Ivy League will consider admitting new members to Academistan. The first candidate for inclusion is New York University, which recently crushed free speech and censored a debate on the Danish Muhammad cartoons.

Currently Academistan consists of the following campuses: Brown, Columbia, Cornell, Dartmouth, Harvard, Princeton, the University of Pennsylvania, and Yale.

The press conference ended with the spokesprofessors displaying school T-shirts emblazoned with the new Academistan logo ("the sword of clear, incisive conviction piercing the closed book of discredited Enlightenment dogma"), along with a new collection of burqas available in school colors.


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