EU Bans Terrorism

BRUSSELS, Belgium -- (CNN -- Collective News Network) -- In a surprising move today, the European Union has officially banned terrorism.

In a press briefing, EU spokeman Jacques Autruche said, "We in the EU have already banned the use of the words 'Islamic terrorism' in our discussions. We did this initially because we did not wish to radicalize more violent jihadist Muslim . . . er, radicals.

"In our discussions, we then decided that if we are going to ban the use of the word 'terrorism,' then we should go ahead and ban terrorism altogether in the EU. This will immediately solve our security problems, since the EU believes firmly in the power of government to regulate all matters and also to decree arbitrarily the welfare of our citizens.

"This is exactly what we have done. We will not spend our time and effort on things as trivial and -- ahem -- gauche and Anglo-American as security measures, law enforcement officers, intelligence services, and self-defense capabilities. No, we have simply banned terrorisme, and we expect that this will solve the problem once and for all in Europe.

"Furthermore, any future terrorist acts will result in a heavy fine imposed by the EU on the guilty party. We expect this tactic will work as well as EU fines have worked on our own misbehaving member nations."