Rice: Terrorists Want "Ring of Fire" along with The One Ring

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- (CNN -- Charcoal News Network) -- US Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice recently declared that terrorists wanted to turn Southeast Asia into what she called "a ring of fire."

Secretary Rice has since amended her statement by adding that Islamist terrorists will not be content only with such a "ring of fire." They are also searching for the One Ring, warned Ms. Rice.

In a follow-up press conference, Rice reiterated the danger that terrorism poses to the global community. "These extremists will stop at nothing to achieve their goals," she said. "Aside from seeking to acquire dirty bombs, IEDs, and weapons of mass destruction, various intelligence services have found that Al Qaeda is also seeking the Ring of Sauron."

The One Ring is commonly thought to possess mystical powers capable of subjugating all who oppose it. Its famous inscription reads: "One Ring to rule them all, One Ring to find them, One Ring to bring them all and in the darkness bind them."

"Terrorists desire a ring of fire, and it is common knowledge that the One Ring shows its engraved words only when it is placed into fire. Coincidence? I think so. Also, consider the words 'in the darkness bind them,' and compare it with bin Laden's and Zawahiri's rants about establishing a global caliphate based on Talibanesque rule. If that's not darkness, I don't know what is."

The One Ring, however, is claimed by its original owner, Sauron of Mordor. Mr. Sauron gave a press briefing of his own, stating: "The ring is rightfully mine, and I offer a reward for anyone who can locate it. It is a family heirloom of extreme sentimental value, and I do not want it to fall into the hands of Al Qaeda. That would spoil my own plans for total global domination, a goal for which I've worked for years. Get your own Ring, bin Laden, you upstart johnny-come-lately. I've been plotting world tyranny since before you were even born! If you have my ring and refuse to return it, I will send my Nazgul after you. I don't care how good you are at hiding in caves in Afghanistan -- you can't outrun my flying dragons."

The current location of the One Ring is unknown, though CNN has found unconfirmed reports that it is in the possession of two unknown hobbits. Security analysts speculate that if Al Qaeda and the forces of Sauron ultimately end up fighting over possession of the One Ring, this may give the hobbits enough time to destroy the Ring.