New Al Qaeda Tape Praises Congressional Iraq Withdrawal Bill, Criticizes "Unclean" Pork

WASHINGTON, DC -- (CNN -- Craven News Network) -- After a long silence, the voice of elusive Al Qaeda leader Osama bin Laden has appeared again in a newly released audio tape. In it, bin Laden praises the recent Congressional bill for a timed U.S. withdrawal from Iraq, but he also criticized the amount of pork within the bill.

"I praise the merciful Allah that the infidel Crusaders, those friends of the sons of pigs and monkeys, have finally decided to flee before the might of my jihadist brothers. We hail this new Congressional bill and declare that someday soon Nancy Pelosi will look very nice in a burqa -- a blue one to match her constituency!

"Even so, my brothers and I would like to file a grievance against the heathen infidel Americans for offending our Muslim sensibilities. You oppress us with the sheer overwhelming amount of pork in this bill of surrender! Do you not know that the pig is an unclean beast? Not only have you emboldened us with your display of weakness, but you have offended us with pork! On both accounts we shall keep fighting harder than ever, you pig-dogs and Jew-lovers! I am forced to admit, though, that it has given our boys a much-needed shot in the arm because, frankly, I was beginning to worry that your 'surge' might actually be working. Thanks, Congress! Good night and Allahu Akbar."