Tuesday, April 03, 2007

Agnostics Attack Atheists in Clash Over Non-Religion

BOSTON, Massachuetts -- (CNN -- Credulity News Network) -- In an unusual twist to religious culture wars in America, a conflict of non-belief has erupted between fundamentalist groups of agnostics and atheists.

The clash occurred when both groups ran into each other while staging an anti-Christian protest outside a local church. Baffled Methodist witnesses told CNN that the atheists, many bearing placards proclaiming "There is No God," soon attracted the rage of the agnostics, many waving signs declaring "There's No Way To Know."

The fundamentalist atheists demanded an end to all religion, declaring the absolute absence of any deity. The fundamentalist agnostics demanded an end to all truth claims about the possibility of knowledge. Witnesses say a verbal confrontation ensued when the agnostics told the atheists that atheist claims of "There Is No God" were themselves making a religious truth claim based on absolute standards. The epistemological argument turned violent when atheists replied, "You don't know what the hell you're talking about...though of course, there is no such thing as hell." The agnostic reportedly shrieked "You can't know that as a certainty" before throwing the first punch.

About a dozen demonstrators from both groups were arrested for disorderly conduct and disturbing the peace, along with several bystanders who had been egging on the violence with shouts of "It's a heathen smackdown! Pagan payback time! Are you ready for a religious rumbleeeeeeeeee?"

The pastor of the local church stated to CNN that he and his congregation would be praying for the souls of both groups.

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