US Congress in Rehab for OPM Addiction

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- (CNN -- Currency News Network) -- After an intervention carried out by 300 million concerned, pitchfork-wielding citizens, the United States Congress has checked itself into the Betty Ford clinic for its OPM addiction.

Dr. Phil Goode, head of the medical team overseeing Congress' detox and rehab regimen, noted the severity of the case in a press conference. "I won't lie to you: Congress is in a very dangerous state. OPM is a hundred times more addictive than any other known drug, and OPM addiction is nearly impossible to cure once it has established a foothold in a politician's soul. Congress's plan for a $700 billion bailout is a desperate cry for help and one of the worst that I've seen; the OPM addiction is completely out of control."

OPM is the street name for the highly addictive substance "other people's money."

Animal Rights Activists Horrified as Mooseburger Mania Sweeps the Nation

WASILLA, Alaska -- CNN -- (Culinary News Network) -- The recent meteoric rise of GOP vice-presidential candidate Sarah Palin of Alaska has yielded unintended consequences for American kitchens. The Alaskan governor's open affection for mooseburgers has spawned a nationwide craze for moose meat that has horrified animal rights activists.

Moose is classified as wild game, and therefore it is unavailable for sale according to US law. Eager consumers, however, are flocking to Maine, Alaska, and other moose habitats to hunt their own moose or even hire local hunters to harvest moose on their behalf.

PETA's main office has released "Moose Massacre Madness," a pamphlet condemning the rise in moose meat consumption. The pamphlet, featuring a Photoshopped image of a scowling, Rambo-like Palin mowing down a herd of cute cartoon moose with a blazing Kalashnikov, backfired, instantly becoming a hot collector's item among Palin fans. Immediately afterward and adding to PETA's chagrin, Governor Palin's office in Juneau released more of her favorite moose recipes, expanding the craze beyond mooseburgers to moose meatloaf, moose lasagna, and moose stroganoff. CNN has learned that the Food Network is now frantically filming a moosemeat special to capitalize on the current craze, while video game companies are following suit by creating first-person-shooter-type moose-hunting games.

An anonymous source in the Palin campaign confided to CNN: "We had no idea that Sarahcuda's mere recipes would have such an effect! It's like a dream: the moosemeat craze has reinvigorated good old-fashioned ideas like responsible gun ownership, private enterprise, capitalism, and rugged individualism -- plus a really great burger and the sheer wicked pleasure of driving PETA insane. What a great day to be GOP. God bless America, and please pass the ketchup."