In Attempt to Close Deficit, Government Introduces New Tax on Taxes

WASHINGTON, DC -- (CNN -- Cash News Network) -- In the latest attempt to close the budget gap of ballooning public debt and massive deficit spending, Congress and the President have created a new, if controversial, revenue stream. In a press conference this morning, Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi (D-California) and President Obama unveiled two new taxes, which will be levied on current taxes and on taxpayers for being taxpayers.

"In effect," said Pelosi, "we will be taxing your taxes. If you are already paying taxes, then clearly you are a member of the evil rich, and you should be soaked for your resources so we can spread the wealth around. You will now be paying an additional tax on every tax that you currently pay. You will also pay another tax for the fact that your name is on the tax rolls. No, this is not odd. If city mayors can tax college students for being college students, I see no reason why we cannot tax taxpayers for being taxpayers.

"Oh, and you will now have to pay a substantial processing fee to the IRS every time you pay your taxes since it is expending manpower and resources to collect those taxes and to maintain the tax rolls."

Due to Popular Demand, IRS Introduces Taxpayer Earmarks

WASHINGTON, DC -- (CNN -- Currency News Network) -- In a response to increasing public demand, the Internal Revenue Service is instituting a new policy in time for Tax Day 2009.

In a morning press conference, IRS spokeswoman Debi Torre stated, "This may seem insane, but it's no more insane than the rest of the illegible and, frankly, illogical if not incomprehensible tax code in general.

"Our new policy of tax earmarks allows the individual taxpayers to designate the specific government programs to which they wish their taxes to be directed. We're doing this in response to popular demand, as taxpayers are increasingly agitated about government earmarks. It seems only fair to give taxpayers a say (however tiny and insignificant) in where their own money goes. Early response to this pilot program has been very positive, with taxpayers eagerly wishing to fund pirate-shooting Navy SEALS while eagerly wishing to not fund government bailouts of automakers.

"Who knows? This program could work wonders for the increasingly irate American taxpayer. Then maybe the IRS won't be so darn unpopular. Let me tell you, April is horrible for my self-esteem, not to mention my posture, as I usually have to spend it hiding under my desk as enraged citizens besiege the office building, waving 1040 forms."

Government officials are already complaining about the new policy, claiming that they will be heavily hampered in their spending sprees by the wishes of the citizen taxpayers.

"Oh, it's horrible, horrible," said one senator, speaking to CNN on condition of anonymity. "This policy will force us to go cold turkey on some pork projects, and I don't know if we can handle exercising self-control. It's a totally foreign concept. Still, there is something even worse than being restrained. We could be held...I can hardly say the word!...accountable."

Cunning Government Plan Revealed: Stimulus Bill to Lay Foundation for New Clean Power Plants

WASHINGTON, DC -- (CNN -- Catastrophe News Network) -- US Secretary of Energy Steven Chu in a press conference today unveiled the true purpose behind the economic stimulus bill that recently passed through Congress. Contrary to popular belief that this bill is intended to rescue the tanking US economy, the Department of Energy stated that it was actually part of an elaborate scheme to achieve American energy independence while expanding safe clean energy.

"As you know, " said Secretary Chu, "we are eager to explore new sources and uses of clean renewable energy while avoiding nuclear energy. We've studied and experimented with geothermal, hydroelectric, wind, and solar, but we're still not producing enough kilowatts from these sources. I am therefore happy to say now that we have found a reliable new energy source that does not produce the same pollution as power plants burning coal or oil and does not carry the radioactive risk of nuclear power facilities.

"The stimulus bill is actually the core of a new energy initative to produce electricity with clean plants fueled entirely by the steam coming from the ears of millions of angry American taxpayers. We have been delighted that we have already produced enough electricity to light up New York City for ten years with the national outrage over the stimulus bill.

"Even better, we know that we have a fully renewable energy source. Whenever the country has an energy shortage, we will simply hook up the taxpayers to the turbines, pass another huge pork-filled government spending bill or bailout or tax increase, and watch those turbines start to spin as the steam pours out of those citizens' ears. The angrier the taxpayer, the more steam he or she produces, and I am happy to report also that the taxpayer's capacity for anger is infinite. This is happily matched by the government's infinite ability to create infuriating spending policy. Our energy problems are solved."

US Congress in Rehab for OPM Addiction

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- (CNN -- Currency News Network) -- After an intervention carried out by 300 million concerned, pitchfork-wielding citizens, the United States Congress has checked itself into the Betty Ford clinic for its OPM addiction.

Dr. Phil Goode, head of the medical team overseeing Congress' detox and rehab regimen, noted the severity of the case in a press conference. "I won't lie to you: Congress is in a very dangerous state. OPM is a hundred times more addictive than any other known drug, and OPM addiction is nearly impossible to cure once it has established a foothold in a politician's soul. Congress's plan for a $700 billion bailout is a desperate cry for help and one of the worst that I've seen; the OPM addiction is completely out of control."

OPM is the street name for the highly addictive substance "other people's money."