Wednesday, February 11, 2009

Cunning Government Plan Revealed: Stimulus Bill to Lay Foundation for New Clean Power Plants

WASHINGTON, DC -- (CNN -- Catastrophe News Network) -- US Secretary of Energy Steven Chu in a press conference today unveiled the true purpose behind the economic stimulus bill that recently passed through Congress. Contrary to popular belief that this bill is intended to rescue the tanking US economy, the Department of Energy stated that it was actually part of an elaborate scheme to achieve American energy independence while expanding safe clean energy.

"As you know, " said Secretary Chu, "we are eager to explore new sources and uses of clean renewable energy while avoiding nuclear energy. We've studied and experimented with geothermal, hydroelectric, wind, and solar, but we're still not producing enough kilowatts from these sources. I am therefore happy to say now that we have found a reliable new energy source that does not produce the same pollution as power plants burning coal or oil and does not carry the radioactive risk of nuclear power facilities.

"The stimulus bill is actually the core of a new energy initative to produce electricity with clean plants fueled entirely by the steam coming from the ears of millions of angry American taxpayers. We have been delighted that we have already produced enough electricity to light up New York City for ten years with the national outrage over the stimulus bill.

"Even better, we know that we have a fully renewable energy source. Whenever the country has an energy shortage, we will simply hook up the taxpayers to the turbines, pass another huge pork-filled government spending bill or bailout or tax increase, and watch those turbines start to spin as the steam pours out of those citizens' ears. The angrier the taxpayer, the more steam he or she produces, and I am happy to report also that the taxpayer's capacity for anger is infinite. This is happily matched by the government's infinite ability to create infuriating spending policy. Our energy problems are solved."

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