Friday, April 21, 2006

Anti-Globalization Protesters Disrupt Celebration of Rome's Foundation

ROME, Italy -- (CNN -- Centurion News Network) -- Today's celebration of the founding of Rome on April 21, 753 BC, was disrupted by protests and demonstrations.

Large numbers of protesters clashed with celebrants in the Eternal City. Each year Rome marks the traditional day of its foundation nearly 3000 years ago with various events and fireworks. This year, however, the empire was embarrassed by the anti-imperial protesters who rallied in the center of Rome, holding signs such as "No Blood for Olive Oil!", "Rome Out of Britannia!", "Free Gaul from Roman Oppression!", "Caesar = Hitler!", "Roman Justice Is Judicial Murder," and "Hadrian's Wall Is An Illegal Land Grab From Oppressed Impoverished Picts!"

The most heated demonstration took place outside the newly reopened Ara Pacis, or Altar of Peace, built and dedicated by the emperor Augustus. The archaeological artifact and its new museum home were unveiled today in the Eternal City, to coincide with the birthday of Rome.

CNN was able to interview Max Moaner, one of the organizers of the protest.

"Altar of Peace?" he yelled, shaking his placard at the Ara Pacis building. "Peace? Rome did bring an end to unrest in the empire, but at the cost of thousands of gallons of blood! German, Celtic, Gallic, barbarian blood spilled for Rome! Yes, there were rebellions -- yes, people like Mithridates, Boudicca, and Arminius killed tens of thousands of Romans, including civilians. But they were freedom fighters!"

"What has Rome ever done for us?" he concluded. "Aside from aqueducts, roads, infrastructure, legal systems, public safety and security, firefighting units, schools, baths, art, literature, technological advances, transportation, and commercial prosperity, what has Rome ever done for us? Rome is an oppressive imperial power, a force of globalization, , built by crushing the precious diversity of local primitive tribes! Romanes eunt domus!"

Saturday, April 15, 2006

The Fable of the Ant and the Grasshopper, French/EU-Style!

The following satire comes courtesy of the bloggers at No Pasaran. What would happen if you took the traditional story of the ant and the grasshopper and put it into the context of modern Euro-socialism and cultural silliness? Here's one answer! (By the way, the grasshopper is called a "cicada" in the satire, but the spirit of the story remains the same.) The traditional story is a lesson in the the need to work hard and live responsibly. The new version is, well . . . Enjoy!


Traditional Version:

The ant works hard all summer in the heat. She builds her house and prepares provisions for the winter. The cicada thinks that the ant is stupid, and laughs, dances and plays all summer long. Once winter arrives, the ant is warm, cozy in her home and well fed. The cicada has neither food nor shelter and freezes to death.



French Version:

The ant works hard all summer in the heat. She builds her house and prepares provisions for the winter. The cicada thinks that the ant is stupid, and laughs, dances and plays all summer long. Once winter arrives, the ant is warm, cozy in her home and well fed. The freezing cicada organizes a press conference and asks why the ant has the right to the heat and to be well nourished while the others less lucky as her are cold and hungry.The television networks organize broadcasts which show the cicada suffering in the cold and cuts to the video of the ant in her warm, comfortable little home, her table full with provision.The French are struck that, in such a rich country, one allows this poor cicada to suffer while others live in abundance. Anti-poverty organizations demonstrate in front of the ant’s house. Journalists organize interviews asking why the ant became rich on the back of the cicada and challenge the government to increase ant’s taxes so that she pays her "fair share".

In response to a poll, the government writes an economic equality law and a (retroactive) law on anti-discrimination. The taxes of the ant are increased and the ant receives also a reprimand for not having helped the cicada.The house of the ant is repossessed by authorities because the ant can’t pay her fines and taxes. The ant leaves France to settle successfully in Switzerland.The television networks report on the now fat cicada. He’s finishing the last of the ant’s provisions although spring is still far off. The ant’s old house become social housing for the cicada, decaying for lack of maintenance. Appeals are made to the government due to the lack of means. A commission is set up, which will commit 10 million euros. The cicada dies of an overdose.

Libération and L'Humanité comment on the government’s failure to take seriously the problem of social inequality. A gang of immigrant spiders are then found squatting in the house. The government is pleased with this display of multicultural diversity in France. The spiders start trafficking marijuana and terrorizing the community.


Wednesday, April 12, 2006

EU Bans Terrorism

BRUSSELS, Belgium -- (CNN -- Collective News Network) -- In a surprising move today, the European Union has officially banned terrorism.

In a press briefing, EU spokeman Jacques Autruche said, "We in the EU have already banned the use of the words 'Islamic terrorism' in our discussions. We did this initially because we did not wish to radicalize more violent jihadist Muslim . . . er, radicals.

"In our discussions, we then decided that if we are going to ban the use of the word 'terrorism,' then we should go ahead and ban terrorism altogether in the EU. This will immediately solve our security problems, since the EU believes firmly in the power of government to regulate all matters and also to decree arbitrarily the welfare of our citizens.

"This is exactly what we have done. We will not spend our time and effort on things as trivial and -- ahem -- gauche and Anglo-American as security measures, law enforcement officers, intelligence services, and self-defense capabilities. No, we have simply banned terrorisme, and we expect that this will solve the problem once and for all in Europe.

"Furthermore, any future terrorist acts will result in a heavy fine imposed by the EU on the guilty party. We expect this tactic will work as well as EU fines have worked on our own misbehaving member nations."