Thursday, June 29, 2006

Italian Football Trial Adjourned So Judges Can Watch World Cup

ROME, Italy -- (CNN -- Cleat News Network) -- The trial of 4 Italian football clubs has been postponed until next week.

The official reason given is that legal representatives from Bologna, Lecce, Treviso, Brescia and Messina needed additional time to prepare their cases.

However, CNN sources inside Italy reveal that the trial has been adjourned so the judges and lawyers can watch the World Cup instead. Italy is scheduled to play against Ukraine on Friday's quarterfinal match.

Tuesday, June 13, 2006

Al-Mujaher Resigns from Al Qaeda

BAGHDAD, Iraq -- (CNN -- Coalition News Network) -- In a surprising twist of events, the newly appointed head of Al Qaeda in Iraq, Abu Hamza al-Muhajer, has just resigned from the worldwide terrorist network.

This news was discovered in an intercepted email between Al-Muhajer and Al Qaeda leadership. In a long and rambling letter, Al-Muhajer listed a variety of reasons for resigning his commission, but he ended with his most pressing reason: he believes that the exalted-sounding position is in fact a dead-end job.

Al-Muhajer has since decided to take a lucrative position teaching Middle Eastern Studies at Yale, and he has signed a multimillion-dollar book contract with an undisclosed publishing house.

Saturday, June 10, 2006

First Tropical Depression of 2006 Forms; Doctors Prescribe Zoloft

MIAMI, Florida -- (CNN -- Cyclone News Network) -- The first tropical depression of the 2006 hurricane season has officially formed in the Caribbean. Tropical depressions are weather systems which may develop into tropical storms and then into proper hurricanes.

In response to the tropical depression, several eminent doctors have immediately prescribed Zoloft, a well-known medication for treating depression and anxiety disorders.

Dr. Sigmund Sang-Froid told CNN, "It is a known fact that weather can affect human emotions. See for instance, Seasonal Affective Disorder. However, the medical community has not considered that the weather itself may have emotions and therefore emotional disorders. We should have thought of this long ago -- I mean, the very name 'tropical depression' should have been a signal! This hurricane season we hope to bring all our clinical expertise to the previously ignored problem of weather emotions.

"As for this first tropical depression of the eason, I recommend Zoloft and weekly therapy sessions."

Friday, June 02, 2006

Oompa-Loompas and Christmas Elves Go on Crime Spree

HERSHEY, PA -- (CNN -- Chocolate News Network) -- In an unexpected burst of criminal behavior, roving bands of Oompa-Loompas and Christmas elves have been rampaging on a nationwide crime spree.

Delinquent Oompa-Loompas, best known as the musical little people in Willy Wonka's magical candy factory, have joined with elf rebels from Santa Claus's North Pole toy workshop. As these bands roam across the nation, they are looting shops, burning cars, throwing Molotov cocktails at police, and engaging in various acts of vandalism, theft, and robbery.

CNN interviewed the district attorney of an undisclosed town which was hit by the rampaging bands. When CNN asked why no criminal charges were being filed against the Oompa-Loopas or the elves, D.A. Justine Blinder only shook her head.

"I would very much like to file charges in court against these criminals," said Ms. Blinder. "But there is now a legal precedent which says the defendants, if convicted, cannot be sent to prison because they are too short to go to jail. Even if we take them to court, even if they are convicted of their crimes, they still would not go to jail. What's the point then of spending taxpayer money to take them to court?"

At this point, CNN was forced to end the interview as a fresh wave of Oompa-Loompas and elves attempted to set fire to the CNN news satellite truck while yelling "Nyah nyah nyah, can't send us to jail! Nyah nyah nyah!"