Wednesday, March 28, 2007

New Al Qaeda Tape Praises Congressional Iraq Withdrawal Bill, Criticizes "Unclean" Pork

WASHINGTON, DC -- (CNN -- Craven News Network) -- After a long silence, the voice of elusive Al Qaeda leader Osama bin Laden has appeared again in a newly released audio tape. In it, bin Laden praises the recent Congressional bill for a timed U.S. withdrawal from Iraq, but he also criticized the amount of pork within the bill.

"I praise the merciful Allah that the infidel Crusaders, those friends of the sons of pigs and monkeys, have finally decided to flee before the might of my jihadist brothers. We hail this new Congressional bill and declare that someday soon Nancy Pelosi will look very nice in a burqa -- a blue one to match her constituency!

"Even so, my brothers and I would like to file a grievance against the heathen infidel Americans for offending our Muslim sensibilities. You oppress us with the sheer overwhelming amount of pork in this bill of surrender! Do you not know that the pig is an unclean beast? Not only have you emboldened us with your display of weakness, but you have offended us with pork! On both accounts we shall keep fighting harder than ever, you pig-dogs and Jew-lovers! I am forced to admit, though, that it has given our boys a much-needed shot in the arm because, frankly, I was beginning to worry that your 'surge' might actually be working. Thanks, Congress! Good night and Allahu Akbar."

Hollywood Studios Sue Iran's Ahmadinejad for Plot Plagiarism

HOLLYWOOD, California -- (CNN -- Celluloid News Network) -- The powerful movie production companies MGM and United Artists have announced a lawsuit against Iranian president Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, alleging that he has plagiarized the plotline of the 1997 MGM-UA film, "Tomorrow Never Dies."

At the press conference at high noon, spokeswoman Juwanna Mann stated, "When the studio executives began learning about the current crisis between Iran and the UK, they noticed certain striking similarities. Granted, all our plot devices are so trite and old that some repetition is inevitable. However, one detail struck the MGM-UA leadership in particular -- the use of malleable coordinates and the manipulation of GPS systems.

"Why, in a recent Guardian news story, the following was clearly stated as part of the ongoing situation:

Britain's military said its vessels were 1.7 nautical miles inside Iraqi waters when Iran seized the sailors and marines on Friday.

Vice Adm. Charles Style told reporters that the Iranians had provided a position on Sunday - a location that he said was in Iraqi waters. By Tuesday, Iranian officials had given a revised position 2 miles east, placing the British inside Iranian waters - a claim he said was not verified by global positioning system coordinates.

``It is hard to understand a legitimate reason for this change of coordinates,'' Style said.

Style gave the satellite coordinates of the British crew as 29 degrees 50.36 minutes north latitude and 048 degrees 43.08 minutes east longitude, and said it had been confirmed by an Indian-flagged merchant ship boarded by the sailors and marines.

"Coordinates, shmoordinates! Anyone who has seen 'Tomorrow Never Dies' knows beyond any doubt that this is exactly the plot device we used to start a war under trumped-up circumstances in order to get mainstream media attention! In the film, we even started that war against -- hello! -- British sailors! We here in Hollywood are professional attention whores, Mahmoud! You've got to do better than this pitiful, derivative attempt if you want to play with the big boys. We give your latest attempt two thumbs way down.

"We therefore have filed a lawsuit charging Ahmadinejad with plot plagiarism."

Tuesday, March 27, 2007

Korean Scientists Successfully Clone Wolves, NC State University Sports Fans

RALEIGH, North Carolina and SEOUL, South Korea -- (CNN -- Canine News Network) -- After recently unveiling two cloned wolves, Korean scientists have shocked the world with a second announcement.

In a news conference today, head scientist Dr. Kim Chee announced that his team has also successfully cloned the Wolfpack.

"Since we had invested so much time, money, effort, and energy into cloning wolves, we decided to take the logical step and clone a group of wolves. I confess, though, that my English translation was flawed. I translated 'pack of wolves' as 'Wolfpack.' We were all surprised when the laboratory produced a crowd of howling North Carolina State University sports fans."

Dr. Chee added, "It is very exciting to achieve this milestone in genetic research. Still, I'm getting just a little tired of the clones running through my laboratories singing the NCSU fight song over and over and over."

Monday, March 26, 2007

Jimmy Carter Offers to Mediate Between UK, Iran in Hostage Crisis

Cretin News Network--Former U.S. President Jimmy Carter has taken a break from his book-promotion tour to make a public statement on the current hostage situation between Great Britain and Iran. Iranian forces seized 15 British naval personnel last week, a move highly criticized by various Western leaders.

In a press release, Mr. Carter expressed his wish for a peaceful resolution to the situation. He then offered to come out of retirement to mediate between London and Tehran. He cited his previous extensive experience with Iranian hostage situations, insisting that he had learned from history. "I won't send any helicopters this time," added Carter.