Thursday, April 12, 2007

Oxford English Dictionary Will Include The Term "Nappy-Headed H*s"

OXFORD, England -- (CNN -- Cacophony News Network) -- The editors of the Oxford English Dictionary, the lexicon that is the definitive record of the English language, have decided to include the term "nappy-headed h*s" in the next edition of the OED.

Oxford representative Paige Turner acknowledged that the OED staff has received some complaints about this decision.

"We do realize that, in light of the recent Don Imus kerfuffle, this phrase has negative, and indeed, racially pejorative and socially unacceptable connotations and denotations," said Ms. Turner. "Nevertheless, TV, print media and popular culture in general have been saturated with this phrase as everyone from newscasters and journalists to pundits, commentators, activists, and ordinary people, have been using it. Zounds, I wish had a ha'-penny for every time Al Sharpton uses this phrase. However insulting, however demeaning, this unfortunate term has become part of contemporary linguistic usage, and as such, it merits inclusion into the hallowed pages of the OED. If people would not keep using this phrase in endless repetition while criticizing the man who used it one time on the air, then we would not now be canonizing it in the OED."

In a separate response to criticism that the inclusion of "nappy-headed h*s" would degrade the gravitas of the OED, Ms. Turner replied, "Our business is the study of language in all its forms. Besides, I think we already destroyed our gravitas when we included the word 'bootylicious' a few years ago."

Tuesday, April 10, 2007

British Ex-Hostages to Star in Musical Reality Show "Iranian Idol."

TEHRAN, Iran -- (CNN -- Chanteuse News Network) -- CNN sources inside the Iranian television establishment have confirmed rumors that the 15 recently detained British sailors and Marines will soon return to Iran to star in a musical reality show titled "Iranian Idol."

A top television executive, speaking on condition of anonymity, said, "This seemed the most logical, natural outcome of recent events. The remarkable readiness and apparent delight with which these 15 performed for our cameras proved that they are natural-born stars of reality television. My network has been airing the copious footage we shot during their captivity -- I mean, surprise vacation -- and the scenes of the Brits eating, confessing, playing ping-pong, begging for forgiveness, parading in fashionable new Iranian suits, and so forth have been excellent propaganda -- I mean, entertainment. The ratings have been fantastic! So, of course, the audience wants more and more! In fact, this is now a cash cow -- aside from cornering the Iranian TV market, we've been beaming the video all over the Arab world with great results."

The reality show format for the 15's return had been under some discussion. Before the official announcement was broadcast, early rumors suggested that they would star in "Survivor: Iraqi Waters, British Rules of Engagement,""Big Brother: Tehran Edition," or possibly "Iran's Next Top Model."

When asked why the 15 will star in "Iranian Idol," the source replied, "This is no surprise, surely! President Ahmadinejad has been wanting to be Iran's Simon Cowell, shooting off his mouth at every opportunity for an audience of millions. Besides, it was clear to me that the musical, emotive format of 'Iranian Idol' will be the perfect venue for our British hostages -- I mean, guests -- when they return. After all, when they were here previously, they were absolutely singing like canaries."

Mysterious Underground Tremors Halt Restoration of Saint Paul's Cathedral

LONDON, UK -- (CNN -- Cathedral News Network) -- The ongoing restoration of London's iconic Saint Paul's Cathedral has been brought to an unexpected halt.

The restoration team first noticed unusual tremors in the crypt on March 23. Since that time, the subterranean disturbances have increased in intensity and frequency. Today St. Paul's announced that the multi-million-pound restoration effort will be suspended indefinitely or until the tremors cease.

A team of earthquake specialists has been brought into the basement and crypt to investigate. Chief geologist Professor Terra Firma told CNN, "We haven't found any geological explanation for the ongoing disturbances. There is no fault line, sinkhole, or any other geological formation that can explain the tremors. I can now confidently conclude that the cause is Nelson revolving in his grave."

Friday, April 06, 2007

Dutch Tulip Growers to Replace Traditional Bulbs with Fluorescent Alternative

AMSTERDAM, Netherlands -- (CNN -- Crocus News Network) -- The EU's latest effort to combat carbon emissions has resulted in the capitulation of Dutch tulip growers.

The EU has recently decided to ban traditional incandescent light bulbs within two years, mandating that they be replaced with more energy-efficient fluorescent bulbs. The move comes as part of Brussels' ongoing efforts to fight anthropogenic climate change by reducing energy use and carbon emissions.

Dutch flower producers are unhappy with the ban, but in a press conference at Keukenhof, their spokeswoman Iris LeFleur announced their capitulation to increasing pressure from Brussels.

"We concede that our traditional tulip bulbs do indeed consume large amounts of energy and that when they decompose, they emit carbon. Furthermore, the global trade in tulips and other flower bulbs leaves a large carbon footprint since the bulbs are bought and sold worldwide and require numerous long-haul airline flights for transport.

"We will now begin a phased transition to replace all our traditional bulbs with fluorescent ones by the target date set by Brussels."

Tuesday, April 03, 2007

Agnostics Attack Atheists in Clash Over Non-Religion

BOSTON, Massachuetts -- (CNN -- Credulity News Network) -- In an unusual twist to religious culture wars in America, a conflict of non-belief has erupted between fundamentalist groups of agnostics and atheists.

The clash occurred when both groups ran into each other while staging an anti-Christian protest outside a local church. Baffled Methodist witnesses told CNN that the atheists, many bearing placards proclaiming "There is No God," soon attracted the rage of the agnostics, many waving signs declaring "There's No Way To Know."

The fundamentalist atheists demanded an end to all religion, declaring the absolute absence of any deity. The fundamentalist agnostics demanded an end to all truth claims about the possibility of knowledge. Witnesses say a verbal confrontation ensued when the agnostics told the atheists that atheist claims of "There Is No God" were themselves making a religious truth claim based on absolute standards. The epistemological argument turned violent when atheists replied, "You don't know what the hell you're talking about...though of course, there is no such thing as hell." The agnostic reportedly shrieked "You can't know that as a certainty" before throwing the first punch.

About a dozen demonstrators from both groups were arrested for disorderly conduct and disturbing the peace, along with several bystanders who had been egging on the violence with shouts of "It's a heathen smackdown! Pagan payback time! Are you ready for a religious rumbleeeeeeeeee?"

The pastor of the local church stated to CNN that he and his congregation would be praying for the souls of both groups.