Tuesday, November 29, 2005

Life Imitates Satire: Chinese Real Estate Agency Wants to Sell Lunar Lots

A few days ago, I posted a satire about China and the moon. In it, I'd made a satirical comment about China developing the moon in real estate. Ha ha, right? It's just a joke, right?

Then today I came across this Reuters news story (via Fark). Apparently the Chinese government has shut down a company that was trying to sell property. . . on the moon. I am not kidding!

Here is the heart of the story:

A Chinese company is fighting for the right to pitch plots of land on the moon for sale after authorities shut the scheme down on charges of profiteering and lunacy. Beijing Lunar Village Aeronautics Science and Technology Co. has sued commercial authorities in China's capital for suspending its business license on October 28, just days after it opened, Xinhua news agency said Tuesday.

. . . The company, which calls itself the "Lunar Embassy to China," had sold 49 acres of lunar land to 34 Chinese clients within three days of opening on October 19, Xinhua previously reported, two days after two Chinese astronauts returned to Earth from the country's second manned space mission.


I don't know what to say! This is beyond satire. I am just. . . dumbfounded!

Canadian Government Falls, Prompting Worldwide Hoarding of Maple Syrup, Hockey Players

OTTAWA, Canada -- (CNN -- Caribou News Network) -- Yesterday, a 171-133 vote of no confidence toppled the scandal-ridden Paul Martin government. This season has become the winter of Canadian discontent as uncertainty falls over the United States' great Northern neighbor.

As Canadians gear up for a winter of campaigning and political wrangling, the rest of the world responded to the news by immediately hoarding stores of Canada's main exports -- maple syrup and hockey players. Canada currently produces 85% of the world's supply of maple syrup, making it the Saudi Arabia of syrup.

Realpolitik analysts are monitoring the situation closely. A senior Washington expert, speaking on condition of anonymity, commented: "We must maintain stability on the North American continent. If Canada falls into chaos, the repercussions could be terrible. The world's supplies of maple syrup and hockey players must not be disrupted.

"Democracy is messy... and I don't know what I'll do if there's a shortage of syrup. This could trigger a worldwide breakfast crisis; modern life would ground to a halt without this precious liquid resource. All options are on the table, frankly."

Monday, November 28, 2005

EU Press Briefing on Car -Burning Regulations

Recently I wrote a little satire on the EU and the car-burning incidents during the French riots. Then I started wondering if we might be able to take the satire one step further. Therefore, in consultation with some blog friends, I give you the following: the EU bureaucracy's response to my "news report." Enjoy!

PS: Somehow it makes me think of Kafka's bureaucratic nightmares...What do you think?

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Press Briefing by N.N. (an EU commission spokesman)
EU Headquarters
Brussels, Belgium
2:55 P.M. (Local)

SPOKESMAN: Good afternoon. No statement from me today. I'm willing to take your questions. Yes, please.

Q: The Citroen News Network claims that the EU has decided to pursue a three-pronged approach on car burning. Is that true?

A: No, absolutely not. The "events" in France occured only four weeks ago, so there is no need for immediate action. Rome wasn't built in aday - and Paris won't be distroyed in a day. *laughs*

Q: So you deny any approach on the car burning issue?

A: I didn't say that. What I wanted to say was: "There is no three-pronged approach yet."

Q: So is there any approach on that issue?

A: Well...err...yes, there is. But this approach is not a three-pronged, but a five-pronged one. At least five-pronged. And the jury is still out on it...

Q: What do you mean - the jury is still out on it?

A: Um...the EU Council has agreed to establish a task force to deal with the car burning matter. After their first meeting, the task force came up with a five-pronged approach. But it was only the first meeting. They won't present their findings until next Monday, as far as I know.

Q: CNN mentioned a "multinational committee dedicated to studying EU car burning trends over the next 10 years"...

A: First of all, all EU committees are multinational by nature. That'swhat makes the EU so thrilling exciting! *laughs* Second, the "EU study on car burning trends" has already been completed. It will be released next Monday.

Q: You confirm the existence of a EU study on car burning trends?

A: Yes. As you know, the EU founding members have a long and successful history in burning and blasting cars. Not only France, butespecially Germany, Italy and Spain, to name a few, were doing a heck of a job on this. So, this trend is not new to us.

Q: On a related note, CNN says, that "yearly findings will be published in the form of obscure French poetry, courtesy of Dominique de Villepin". If this committee already exists, why weren't any findings published so far?

A: Um...Okay, the first findings are from 1998. But the translation from the original French version into the other official languages isn't accomplished yet. We were about to release the findings in 2004- but then, there was the EU enlargement, as you know...and we have still some difficulties with the translation into Estonian. Plus, the only translator for Slovakian is on strike...

Q: Would you like to comment on the Sarkozy remarks?

A: Oh, thank you for this question! It gives me the opportunity to clarify, that the whole Sarkozy issue is a hoax. He didn't comment onEU affairs and will never do so. As one of his advisers told me, commenting on EU affairs would ruin his chances to ever replace good old demented Jacques....errrr....I'm sorry...that was OFF THE RECORD! OFF THE RECORD!...Next question, please!

Q: Is it true, that the EU will issue a EU-wide slate of legislation to regulate the burning of cars?

A: Yes, that's correct. As you know, the EU is iconic for regulations. And the burning of cars is most certainly something that should be regulated. Yes, please?

Q: As for the regulations' details: "Each EU member nation will be allotted a different number; these national quotas will be based on population, number of cars available in the nation, and insurance rates..."

A: No, this information is incorrect. That would be against the EU core principles. The EU wasn't founded "to allot" something, but to equalize the living conditions of EU citizens by regulating and restricting national policies. Plus, as we all know, national quotas within the EU aren't based on reasonable parameters like "population","numbers" and "rates", but on the aggressiveness of the member state's leaders and unions.

Q: And what about this proposal: "All EU states will be allowed to burn 25% more cars on weekends and holidays."?

A: On the contrary! Admittedly, one member of the task force proposed something like that, but after he received a threatening letter from an Italian union with a cover letter demanding: "No work on weekends! Hands off our holidays!", he withdrew his suggestion. Plus, as I just said, the EU states won't be"allowed" to do something. As we're at it: The European Council is working on new versions of the EU treaties to erase verbs beginningwith "allo" like "allot" and "allow".

Q: What about the "lex Ramadan"?

A: I'm sorry?

Q: The part of the regulation concerning burning cars during Ramadan. "Cars will be allowed to burn only after sundown."

A: Ahhh. Um, Ramadan is...like, Islam, right? No comment. But anyway, matters of religion are still up to the EU states. Thank God they are.

Q: "All EU members must submit to Brussels daily, weekly, monthly, and yearly tallies for torched vehicles". Correct?

A: Correct...Yes, please?

Q: Is it true, that the numbers of torched vehicles will be certified by the EU accounting office and placed into archives?

A: Kind of, yes. We are working on a system to collect all the handwritten numbers on paper, then microfiche them and finally place them into an EU-wide online archive. But as far as I'm informed, we still have some software problems. Please, contact our software partner for details. His name is Bill...eh, forgot his family name, sorry. Yes, please!

Q: Is it right, that "No action will be taken to reduce the car burnings nor to discover or correct the root causes of these incidents."

A: Yes, absolutely. Moreover, the EU will try to increase the car burnings and probably expand it to other goods like grain, corn, Chinese textiles and other EU surpluses. As for the root causes: They are so crystal clear that any investigations on that would be a waste of time. The main cause is the ongoing good performance of the US economy. That's what frustrates people in the EU. I mean, c'mon, US economists like Paul Krugman have been promising us the big downturn of the US economy for years and years now -but the Americans still outperform us quarter after quarter. That is simply outrageous! No wonder that the EU is in danger of missing the Lisbon Strategy's objectives.

Q: Now, for the consequences of car burning in regard to the environment. Has the EU commissioned a scientific study of greenhouse emissions that result from the burning of cars, such as fumes from combustible fuels and rubber tires?

A: No. Since the EU greenhouse emissions are neglegible in comparison to the USA and China, there is no need for a commission like this. On the other hand, it's always nice to have a new commission. Perhaps, the EU authorities will consider this point.

Q: Won't the car burnings hinder the EU's adherence to the Kyoto Treaty?

A: Excuse me. That's just ridiculous. It has always been EU policy to sign international treaties of all kind as they come. Adherence is a completely different matter. But, since the USA and China didn't sign the Kyoto Treaty - who cares about adherence?Then again, the task force already set up a commission to combine car burning with energy saving. For example, if the burning cars areplaced nearer to buildings, that might reduce our dependence on fossil fuels used for heating.

Q: Will any EU member which exceeds its Kyoto emissions limit because of unrestricted incineration of autos be fined, as Citroen NewsNetwork says?

A: Kyoto isn't a hot topic, as I just pointed out. And it is likely that EU authorities will encourage EU states to incinerate more autos and other goods. So, it would be counterproductive to fine them for incinerating, wouldn't it? But most certainly, at the end of the day, there will be lots of fines, since fining member states is one of theEU success stories as the fining of Germany, Italy and Greece for offending the Euro Maastricht Treaty shows clearly. Then again, you know, the EU states are very clever in coming up with excuses - and they simply refuse to pay the fine! Anyhow...Next question, please!

Q: Will repeated offenses by a state result in the banning of cars in the offending state?

A: That was a proposal launched by the outgoing German red-green government, yes. But since the new German government seems to be less tree-hugging, this proposal is finished. Banning cars does not belong to the core assets of EU policy.

Q: That means, Brussels won't negotiate an exclusive contract withChina to supply bicycles to the nations offending car burning regulations, as the CNN news story states?

A: In fact, we are in negotiations with China on an exclusive contract to supply cars, not bicycles. For numerous reasons: Chinese cars are much cheaper, their thermal properties are better. Plus, it's always fun to negotiate with Chinese officials. EU officials certainly won't miss one of those official binge drinking events. The Chinese call it"banquet". Ah, Chinese...funny people. Two more questions, please. Gotta go soon; I have an appointment with my hairdresser. Yes, please?

Q: Reportedly, the public response to this Brussels declaration has been mixed. French car makers hailed the decision as a way for them to anticipate production levels...

A: Oh, yes. Good point. That brings us to the main problems of the whole thing. As the EU wants to establish the burning of goods as a powerful strategy to accomplish its main objectives, it is essential to observe the EU law. So far, the French only incinerate French cars. That needs to be changed. They should also burn German and Italian cars, otherwise it would be a violation of EU trade law. Another problem is, that so far only France, Germany and the UK already went ahead with burning car, whereas especially the new EU members like Poland, Slovakia, the Czech Republic and the Baltic states are extremely reluctant on that issue. The EU commission will send out a delegation to these states to encourage them to burn at least some of their cars, as a sign of goodwill. Yet another problem is, that to date, there are no plans for new subsidies. But you simply can't start a new EU strategy without inventing some new subsidies. And it's not that there's no need for new subsidies: the car makers, the car owners, EU states which don't have a national car manufacturing industry yet - they all need to be subsidized.

Q: There were also reports about several unnamed Belgian youths of foreign extraction who set Mannekin Pis on fire last night in protest against what they called the EU's unfair limitation of their freedom of expression. Said one: "We protest against this censorship and discrimination by Brussels. We must fight for our right to torch as many cars as we see fit!"

A: Yes, that's exactly my point. That's why the EU has decided to give Belgium a boost in establishing their own national car industry...Well, okay, that's all for now. Thank you very much.

Q: Good to see you again.

A: Nice to see you, too. Good to be with you. Take care.

END 3:28 P.M. (Local)

EU Announces Car Burning Regulations

This satire was first published on my main blog on November 21, 2005. I'll be slowly transferring all satires to this satire-specific website.
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I was inspired by a recent post on James Lileks' Screedblog, and so came up with the following satire. Enjoy, gentle reader!
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Brussels -- (CNN -- Citroen News Network) -- In the aftermath of the three-week-long unrest in France in which over 3000 cars were torched, European Union leaders have decided to take decisive action.

Yesterday's announcement was made from EU headquarters in Brussels, Belgium: the EU has decided to pursue a three-pronged approach. First, it will form a multinational committee dedicated to studying EU car burning trends over the next 10 years. Its yearly findings will be published in the form of obscure French poetry, courtesy of Dominique de Villepin. Nicolas Sarkozy, when asked about this new measure, merely repeated his incendiary statement that the unrest was all caused by racaille ("scum") and that no EU study will alleviate the root causes. The EU is now considering setting up a committee to study the direct effect of Sarkozy on car burnings in France.

Second, Brussels will issue a EU-wide slate of legislation to regulate the burning of cars. Each EU member nation will be allotted a different number; these national quotas will be based on population, number of cars available in the nation, and insurance rates. France, for instance, will be allowed a daily quota of 80 burned cars. All EU states will be allowed to burn 25% more cars on weekends and holidays. During Ramadan, cars will be allowed to burn only after sundown. All EU members must submit to Brussels daily, weekly, monthly, and yearly tallies for torched vehicles; the numbers will be certified by the EU accounting office and placed into archives. No action will be taken to reduce the car burnings nor to discover or correct the root causes of these incidents.

Third and last, the EU has commissioned a scientific study of greenhouse emissions that result from the burning of cars, such as fumes from combustible fuels and rubber tires. The levels of air pollution which result from the quota of car burnings will then be taken into consideration to ensure that increased car burnings will not hinder the EU's adherence to the Kyoto Treaty. Any EU member which exceeds its Kyoto emissions limit because of unrestricted incineration of autos will be fined. Repeated offenses by a state will result in the banning of cars in the offending state; Brussels will then negotiate an exclusive contract with China to supply bicycles to the nation in question and will also draft regulations for the burning of bicycles.

The public response to this Brussels declaration has been mixed. French car makers hailed the decision as a way for them to anticipate production levels. Even so, several unnamed Belgian youths of foreign extraction set Mannekin Pis on fire last night in protest against what they called the EU's unfair limitation of their freedom of expression. Said one: "We protest against this censorship and discrimination by Brussels. We must fight for our right to torch as many cars as we see fit!"

Democrats Get a Face; Brain, Spine Still on Back Order

I saw this CNN headline "The Democrats Get a Face" and just couldn't resist. Sorry, Dems.

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WASHINGTON, D.C. -- (CNN -- Credibility News Network) -- The recent ascendancy of Representative John Murtha (D -- Pennsylvania) has given Congressional Democrats a shot in the arm. Commentators have stated that he has given his colleagues a new lease on life; one has even praised Murtha for giving the Democrats a face -- a readily recognizable figure around whom to rally.

The emergence of Murtha may present new complications for both Democrats and Republicans in the increasingly bitter debate over American involvement in Iraq. Cindy Sheehan has registered her dismay at the perceived threat to her place as the poster child of the anti-war movement. On the other hand, Republican Vice President Dick Cheney appears unfazed by Murtha's new prominence.

"It's one thing for the Dems to get a face," said the plain-spoken Cheney. "It's another for them to get a brain or a spine, and as I've said, some of them have either lost their memory or their backbone."

CNN sources within the Capitol have confirmed that both memory and backbone supplies have run low in Congress, but that more shipments are on back order. Sources were unable to confirm or deny the existence of cojones supplies.

Sunday, November 27, 2005

China Aims to Put Man on Moon by 2020, Chinese Takeout by 2025

HONG KONG, China -- (CNN -- Chopstick News Network) -- Earlier today, Chinese officials announced plans to land a man on the moon by 2020. Hu Shixiang, deputy head of China's manned space program, also announced hopes to build a space station eventually. All this comes on the heels on China's recent successes in space, notably with the Shenzhou 6 manned mission.

Hu also announced that the 2020 lunar landing will not be only a scientific mission. "We will also be looking at real estate," he said. "We believe that the moon will eventually be colonized and that it will become a prime market for Chinese takeout restaurants. We want to get in on the ground floor, so to speak, and have been drawing up plans for the first one on the moon by 2025. Admittedly, overhead will be more expensive than on Earth, as we must think about installing not only fire alarm systems, but artificial gravity as well. It's impossible to stir-fry properly in zero gravity, after all."

Initial reaction from the world's various space agencies has been mixed. While Western astronauts are delighted at the prospect of Chinese takeaway in space, the Japanese space agency was unimpressed. The Japan Aerospace Exploration Agency (JAXA) issued a statement declaring that Japan was the first nation in the world to successfully attempt zero-gravity Asian cuisine by inventing space ramen.

Saturday, November 26, 2005

Ex-FEMA Head Brown Criticizes Chinese Response to Toxic Spill

HARBIN, China -- (CNN -- Chinese News Network) -- The recent toxic spill on the Songhua River has left the 4 million residents of Harbin, China, without water for the fourth day in a row. Today as Chinese premier Wen Jiabao visits the stricken city, he faces both national and international criticism. At the heart of the anger: the government's slow response to the potentially lethal spill of benzene from a petrochemical plant.

Michael Brown, former head of FEMA, added his voice to the growing chorus of critics lambasting Beijing's response. "This is unacceptable," said Brown. "Millions of hapless citizens have been left to molder amid the ruins of their homes by a government infrastructure that is out of touch with the reality on the ground. This is a sad testimony to the so-called 'preparedness' of Beijing and an embarrassment to President Hu Jintao."

Brown offered his assistance and that of his new business, a disaster planning firm based in Colorado.

Friday, November 25, 2005

Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt Use Good Looks, Vacuous Smiles to Help Pakistani Quake Victims

ISLAMABAD, Pakistan -- (CNN -- Celluloid News Network) -- The recent devastating earthquake that caused upwards of 75,000 casulaties in Pakistan has highlighted the suffering of the survivors in the aftermath.

As various nations and international organizations scramble to bring more relief aid to the affected area, Hollywood is not silent. The glittery film society has decided to help Pakistan by sending Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt to the earthquake zone.

Melissa Gilbert, president of the Screen Actors Guild, told CNN that the decision was an easy one. "Hollywood is well-known for getting involved in international disasters," she said. "After all, we are very familar with disasters, having survived such examples as 'Gigli' and 'Alexander.' Given our expertise, we have decided to respond to the Pakistani event by sending our best resources: good looks, earnest-sounding platitudes, and vacuous smiles. We are sending in Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt."

Entertainment experts estimate that, once seen, Jolie's famous lips and Pitt's renowned pectoral muscles will provide earthquake victims with at least 0.03 nanoseconds of distraction from their daily struggle for survival.

Pakistani president Pervez Musharraf, in a phone interview with CNN, said, "We very much appreciate Hollywood's efforts to help. Even so, I think something was lost in translation. When we sent our urgent appeal for aid, we asked for food, not eye candy."

Tropical Storm Delta Forms; Sororities and Classics Professors Rejoice

This satire is for my friends who have taken Greek classes in school; dedicated especially to La Mademoiselle Parisienne and the Kamikaze Secretary -- you know who you are!
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MIAMI, Florida -- (CNN -- Classical News Network) -- Tropical Storm Delta, the unprecedented 25th named storm of the 2005 storm season, remains stalled in the Atlantic, but it has produced a storm surge of expectation in an unexpected place: campuses nationwide. Because storm names have now progressed into the Greek alphabet, an unlikely coalition of academics and sororities has formed to capitalize on the free publicity.
The Kappa Delta and Tri-Delta sororities have issued a joint statement hailing the naming of Tropical Storm Delta and inviting the storm to rush their organizations.
Elsewhere, professors of classical Greek and seminary students studying Biblical Greek are regarding the tropical storm as a new lease on life.
"We are delighted, delighted, that the general public can now see one of the many benefits and uses of the Greek alphabet," said Professor S.M. Artypantz of Cloudcuckooland University at Nerdville.
When asked whether the association of Greek letters with destructive storms was harmful, the professor replied, "There's no such thing as bad publicity. What would Socrates do? Capitalize, of course! Now, would you like to join my Greek class so you can better name storms and quote Plato?"
Other groups are expressing dissatisfaction with the campus glee over Tropical Storm Delta and over the storm itself. Atlanta-based Delta Airlines is contemplating a lawsuit against the NOAA, alleging copyright infringement over the use of the name "Delta."
At the same time, the U.S. Army's special operations outfit, Delta Force, expressed concern that publicity associated with the storm could jeopardize some of its missions. When the CNN correspondent asked about these missions, the Delta Force spokesman, speaking on condition of anonymity, said, "I'm sorry, ma'am, I could tell you, but then I'd have to kill you."
Chuck Norris was unavailable for comment.

Berets Not Cause of French Riots

PARIS, France -- (CNN -- Cloche News Network) -- In the aftermath of the recent French unrest, many politicians and analysts have presented their speculations why the riots took place. Recent hypotheses have been announced by Gérard Larcher, France’s employment minister, who suggested that polygamy was a cause, and by French Prime Minister Dominique de Villepin, who announced that rap music was not a cause.

Adding to the rampant speculation as to why unassimilated and angry youths of foreign extraction who feel no loyalty to la belle France might erupt into violence after years of neglect and discrimination, today the French minister of high fashion Lola Vavoom announced that the iconic berets were not a cause of the riots.

"There eez no basis to zee wild claim that berets 'ad anything to do with zee riots," Madame Vavoom said during a press briefing, conducted as she shopped in the fashion district. "Eet eez true that berets, zey are a sign magnifique of French culture and French identity, of zee gloire that eez being French! But, since zee rioters 'ave no sense of French culture, zey 'ave no French berets eezer. Berets are therefore not a cause of zee riots. Perhaps you should ask whezer baguettes are a cause, oui?"

The French Ministry of Baking and Pastries was not available for comment.