Tuesday, January 31, 2006

Islamic Extremists Issue Fatwas Against Legos, Pastries, Dogs, and Actress Claire Danes

Copenhagen, DENMARK -- (CNN -- Cartoon News Network) -- The increasing global controversy over the recent publication of Danish cartoons depicting Mohammed has produced a set of new fatwas from extremist clerics. The fiery imams, from an undisclosed location in Jihadistan, issued fatwas condemning not only the cartoons and the artists who drew them, but also everything Danish or perceived to be Danish. The new set of fatwas specifically called for action against Lego toy bricks, all forms of Danish pastries, the Great Dane breed of dog, and even acclaimed American actress Claire Danes.

In a written statement accompanying the new slate of decrees, the imams declared,"We can't tell one infidel from another anyway, so we issue fatwas against anything and anyone that even seems remotely Danish to us! Crush them all and let Allah sort them out. We may reconsider the Legos, though, if we can find way to make them into IEDs."

CNN was able to reach Salman Rushdie via telephone for comment. Rushdie's novel The Satanic Verses prompted a famous fatwa and death warrant to be issued against him by Iranian then-leader the Ayatollah Khomeini in 1989. Said Rushdie: "I am very sorry to see that the same thing is happening to the Danes that happened to me. Be it freedom of artistic expression in novels or baked goods, extremists seek to crush it. Actually, I ate a delicious cheese Danish this morning for breakfast, with a cup of coffee. So, I am expecting a new fatwa against me to be issued at any moment. Two-for-one special on infidels, no?"

Meanwhile in Hollywood, Ms. Danes and famous Great Dane canine actor Scooby Doo have gone into seclusion and hired more bodyguards.

Tuesday, January 24, 2006

Canada Votes for Conservatives; Expat Leftist Americans Prepare to Flee

OTTAWA, Canada -- (CNN -- Canadian News Network) -- Twelve years of Liberal rule in Canada ended with the election victory of Stephen Harper and the Conservatives. An unexpected consequence of this political realignment has been the sudden displacement of a number of American expatriates who had moved to Canada to avoid what they considered the overly-conservative America of U.S. President George W. Bush.

CNN interviewed Mona Griper, leader of one such expat association in Quebec. "We must again go into voluntary political exile," she said, as she packed her luxury SUV full of her belongings. "After the 2004 election, we came here to Canada because it was a Liberal haven. We came specifically to Quebec because it was French, for goodness sake! How much more anti-Bush can you get? But we have been sorely disappointed. Canada voted for the Conservatives. Even Quebec voted for them! We have to leave."

Ms. Griper further complained, "Soon there be nowhere left in the world for people like us. We refuse to live in Bush's America. But now we're shut out of Britain, Australia, Germany, and now our old reliable Canada has turned to the Dark Side! The world is turning into a place full of tax-cutting, crime-fighting, democracy-preaching, America-friendly, right-wing extremist nutjob neocons! Bush! Blair! Howard! Merkel! Now Harper!"

The CNN interview ended as Ms. Griper and her fellow expats ceremonially burned a large pile of Canadian hockey equipment. This act of symbolic defiance against Canadian icons produced an unintended result, as native Canadians of all political parties suddenly converged on the bonfire and proceeded to calmly and politely unite against the expatriates by singing "O Canada," extinguishing the flames with maple syrup, and diving into the fire to rescue the hockey equipment.

"See!" shouted Ms. Griper. "This is what happens to free speech in Harper's Bushlike Canadian hell! No blood for oil! Israel out of Palestine!"

One unnamed Canadian managed to stuff Ms. Griper into her SUV, saying as he did so: "Don't let the border crossing hit you on the butt on your way out of Canada, eh!"

Thursday, January 19, 2006

Historians Accuse Hillary Clinton of Ignorance About Plantations

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- (TNN -- Tara News Network) -- New York Senator Hillary Rodham Clinton has caused a controversy by referring to the majority-Republican House of Representatives as a "plantation."

Senator Clinton compared the 435-member legislative body to the the large farms utilizing mass black slave labor before slavery was abolished in the United States; the word "plantation" is still an extremely emotionally loaded term.

Today, a group of professional academics and historians has joined the chorus of critics. But whereas most of the Senator's critics condemn her for playing the race card, the academics have a different complaint. In their press release, the group Historians of America for Historical Accuracy (HAHA) complained that Senator Clinton was misrepresenting the historical facts of the plantation.

HAHA spokesperson Professor I. Voree Tower summarized the historians' complaint: "Senator Clinton compared the modern-day American House of Representatives to the antebellum Southern plantation. This is a gross misrepresentation of history! Plantation slaves most certainly did not engage in any form of representative government, free elections, expensive private housing in exclusive Washington neighborhoods, or Congressional recesses for the holidays. Plantation slaves were considered property. They manifestly did not ever introduce legislation into any assembly, nor did they have an opportunity to form political parties or participate in democratic action."

Plantations in America ended in large part with the final abolition of slavery by the victory of the Union troops in the American Civil War and by the 1863 Emancipation Proclamation by Abraham Lincoln, the US's first Republican president.

Tuesday, January 17, 2006

New Orleans Mayor to Join Food Network; Nagin-Torres Smackdown Expected

NEW ORLEANS, Louisiana -- (CNN -- Cajun News Network) -- New Orleans mayor Ray Nagin has announced that he will be hosting a new cooking show on the popular cable channel the Food Network.

In a news briefing this morning, Nagin commented, "This new cooking show is the unexpected result of my recent statement on the 'chocolate' nature of my city. I am, of course, delighted to take my chocolate recipe to a wider audience. As I said previously,

"How do you make chocolate? You take dark chocolate, you mix it with white milk, and it becomes a delicious drink. That is the chocolate I am talking about. New Orleans was a chocolate city before Katrina. It is going to be a chocolate city after. How is that divisive? It is white and black working together, coming together and making something special."

Nagin has received some criticism for stating that New Orleans was and should be again a black majority city -- in his words, "chocolate." In a speech delivered yesterday on Martin Luther King, Jr. Day, Nagin stated: "This city will be chocolate at the end of the day. This city will be a majority African-American city. It's the way God wants it to be."

God could not be reached for comment.

CNN was instead able to reach Food Network's reigning chocolate expert, Jacques Torres, in a phone interview. Mr. Torres was not pleased about Nagin's being hiring to be his potential TV rival.

"If Monsieur Nagin wants a chocolate war, zen I will be tres happy to geev eet to heem," said Torres. "He'll see zat my confections can run circles around heez pathetically amateurish hot chocolate recipe. Maybe I will make my desserts out of white chocolate. I will show Nagin and zee world that I am not called Meester Chocolat for nothing."

Tuesday, January 10, 2006

Iran plans 'small scale' uranium enrichment, 'teeny tiny' bomb

LONDON, England -- (CNN -- Curie News Network) -- Contrary to its prior statements, Iran plans to begin the 'small scale' enrichment of uranium, IAEA head Mohamed ElBaradei announced today.

"Well, previously we did say that the world was losing patience with Iran," said the top man of the UN's nuclear watchdog agency. "I think the Iranians took it the wrong way since they've decided to speed up their uranium project. It might have something to do with the fact that I made the announcement in High Excremental Diplomatese and not any intelligible real language. Something got lost in translation apparently, since all our interpreters were off moonlighting as Nicole Kidman lookalikes."

The UN Iranian delegation spokeman Mohamed Bin Bombingaway al Kufrs did not hold a press briefing, but did release a brief statement. "Tehran wishes to assure the world and the UN that there is no need for increased monitoring and scrutiny of our nuclear ambitions. We are planning only a 'small scale' amount of uranium enrichment, since we want only a 'teeny tiny' nuclear bomb. We don't need a big, huge bomb to wipe Israel off the map -- a tiny Zionist entity needs only a tiny nuclear weapon, after all."

Monday, January 02, 2006

"Sound of Music" Songwriters Sue Rose Parade for Copyright Infringement

PASADENA, California -- (FNN -- Floral News Network) -- The rain was not the only misfortune which befell this year's Tournament of Roses Parade in Pasadena, California. This New Year's tradition, now celebrating its 117th year, took place amid rain showers this morning. A lawsuit has been filed against the parade by the heirs of famed songwriters Rodgers and Hammerstein. The suit alleges that the parade infringed on the copyright of the Rodgers and Hammerstein song "My Favorite Things," from the musical motion picture "The Sound of Music."

In a press conference this morning, lawyer Melody Kant-Singer detailed the terms of the lawsuit. "The heirs of Rodgers and Hammerstein are most unhappy with the Rose Parade," she said. "If you consider the parade and how it was staged in the rain, you can clearly see the copyright infringement. The lyrics of 'My Favorite Things' runs as follows in the first stanza:

Raindrops on roses and whiskers on kittens
Bright copper kettles and warm woolen mittens
Brown paper packages tied up with strings
These are a few of my favorite things.

Notice the very first words: 'raindrops on roses.' What did we see this morning all over Pasadena? Raindrops on roses. Coincidence? I think not."

The organizers of the Tournament of Roses Parade released a written statement soon after, stating: "We regret that unpredictable weather inconvenienced the participants and spectators of the 117th annual parade. We give our thanks to all the hardworking and long-suffering people who helped make this annual celebration of beauty take place. As regards the lawsuit, we regret that the lawyers want to rain on our parade. We have hired our own team of attorneys, and the Rodgers and Hammerstein legal team will soon find that our roses have thorns."