Friday, March 31, 2006

Borders Bookstores to Ban All Cookbooks Containing Pork Recipes

NEW YORK CITY, New York -- (CNN -- Chef News Network) -- The major American bookstore chain Borders has announced that it will no longer sell cookbooks that contain recipes for pork.

Borders spokeman Bay Connereggs stated to CNN, "We absolutely respect our customers' right to choose what they wish to read and buy and we support the First Amendment. And we absolutely support the rights of cooks everywhere to cook pork, and we support chefs everywhere to write cookbooks with recipes for pork dishes. We've just chosen not to carry those cookbooks in our stores any longer. We are doing out out of cultural sensitivity and respect for Islam -- we do not want to offend any religious Muslims, since they consider pork to be an unclean thing."

This is the second time in recent memory that Borders has banned publications because of concerns over Muslim backlash and violence. The bookstore chain has also refused to sell the magazine Free Inquiry because its latest issue contains the controversial Danish cartoons of Muhammad.

Miss Connereggs declined to answer CNN's question why Borders had not previously banned pork recipes out of concern for religious Jews, who also consider pork to be unclean.

Borders is also facing a lawsuit from the National Pork Board, a group of American pork producers and promoters. They claim that Borders' voluntary ban of pork cookbooks is a biased and specified attack on their particular meat industry and that Borders' act could have negative effects on the pork industry.

Ivy League Officially Changes Name to "Academistan"

NEW YORK CITY, New York -- (CNN -- Campus News Network) -- The Ivy League, the most prestigious association of universities in the United States, has announced its intention to change its official name to "Academistan."

The decision was announced this morning by Ivy League spokesprofessors Ivee Tower and Ives Ori-Tour. The professors read a prepared statement which stated: "In light of recent and heavily publicized events, we of the Ivy League have decided that we can no longer deny the essential truth of our nature and our loyalties and sympathies. Ivy League members have in recent days made this clear to the greater world. We will not deny these events, and we will not criticize, curtail, or debate them.

"Open debating about controversial ideas is expressly forbidden on our elite campuses, and we will not tolerate any dissent on this most precious issue. Any deviation from campus orthodoxy will be crushed. We will cotinue to spread our message and convert as many people to our point of view as we can. Consider it our sacred mission in the ongoing culture wars. As a declaration of our pride in our identity, our total confidence in our elite superiority, and our complete refusal to engage with other opinions, we therefore announce that we are officially changing our name to Academistan."

The recent events of which the professors spoke have sparked debate and controversy both on and off campus. These include Columbia University inviting Libyan dictator Gaddafi to speak about democracy and Yale University welcoming a former Taliban spokeman as a student and also refusing to engage in open debate on this issue. Harvard University, self-proclaimed leader of the Ivy League, has three events to Yale and Columbia's single actions. Harvard has recently driven off its president who challenged campus ideological orthodoxy, accepted $20 million from a Saudi prince to establish an Islamic studies program, and published a research paper that feeds Zionist conspiracy theories.

The spokesprofessors also announced the the former Ivy League will consider admitting new members to Academistan. The first candidate for inclusion is New York University, which recently crushed free speech and censored a debate on the Danish Muhammad cartoons.

Currently Academistan consists of the following campuses: Brown, Columbia, Cornell, Dartmouth, Harvard, Princeton, the University of Pennsylvania, and Yale.

The press conference ended with the spokesprofessors displaying school T-shirts emblazoned with the new Academistan logo ("the sword of clear, incisive conviction piercing the closed book of discredited Enlightenment dogma"), along with a new collection of burqas available in school colors.

Friday, March 17, 2006

Rice: Terrorists Want "Ring of Fire" along with The One Ring

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- (CNN -- Charcoal News Network) -- US Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice recently declared that terrorists wanted to turn Southeast Asia into what she called "a ring of fire."

Secretary Rice has since amended her statement by adding that Islamist terrorists will not be content only with such a "ring of fire." They are also searching for the One Ring, warned Ms. Rice.

In a follow-up press conference, Rice reiterated the danger that terrorism poses to the global community. "These extremists will stop at nothing to achieve their goals," she said. "Aside from seeking to acquire dirty bombs, IEDs, and weapons of mass destruction, various intelligence services have found that Al Qaeda is also seeking the Ring of Sauron."

The One Ring is commonly thought to possess mystical powers capable of subjugating all who oppose it. Its famous inscription reads: "One Ring to rule them all, One Ring to find them, One Ring to bring them all and in the darkness bind them."

"Terrorists desire a ring of fire, and it is common knowledge that the One Ring shows its engraved words only when it is placed into fire. Coincidence? I think so. Also, consider the words 'in the darkness bind them,' and compare it with bin Laden's and Zawahiri's rants about establishing a global caliphate based on Talibanesque rule. If that's not darkness, I don't know what is."

The One Ring, however, is claimed by its original owner, Sauron of Mordor. Mr. Sauron gave a press briefing of his own, stating: "The ring is rightfully mine, and I offer a reward for anyone who can locate it. It is a family heirloom of extreme sentimental value, and I do not want it to fall into the hands of Al Qaeda. That would spoil my own plans for total global domination, a goal for which I've worked for years. Get your own Ring, bin Laden, you upstart johnny-come-lately. I've been plotting world tyranny since before you were even born! If you have my ring and refuse to return it, I will send my Nazgul after you. I don't care how good you are at hiding in caves in Afghanistan -- you can't outrun my flying dragons."

The current location of the One Ring is unknown, though CNN has found unconfirmed reports that it is in the possession of two unknown hobbits. Security analysts speculate that if Al Qaeda and the forces of Sauron ultimately end up fighting over possession of the One Ring, this may give the hobbits enough time to destroy the Ring.

Minority Ova File Discrimination Lawsuit Against Egg Donation Seekers

NEW YORK CITY, New York -- (CNN -- Cuckoo News Network) -- Today in a groundbreaking case, a group of minority human ova filed a class-action lawsuit against organizations and individuals seeking egg donors. In recent years, the trend of infertile couples seeking egg donors has increased greatly. Some of the couples seeking donors have been specific as to the racial or ethnic background of prospective donors. The minority ova allege that this is racial discrimination.

In a press conference, the spokes-ovum, Petri Dysshe, announced the lawsuit and took questions from journalists as he/she floated in a glass test tube.

"We demand equal access to seekers of egg donation. Discrimination against fully developed humans on the basis of race or ethnicity has been declared wrong and immoral in civilized social circles. The bias against minority ova is a natural consequence of this. For instance, an Asian ovum may meet all the other specifications of an egg seeker's request: it has no history of genetic disorders, for instance, or it is produced by a woman with a record of high academic performance. But if the egg seekers desire a white ovum to produce a white baby to match the parents' racial background, they can summarily and arbitrarily reject this qualified ovum out of hand, simply because it is of a minority race. This is a gross injustice."

Mr./Miss Dysshe was then asked whether this lawsuit would cause controversy by implying that human tissue yet unborn are to be considered persons -- and therefore adding fuel to the already raging debate over abortion and stem cell research.

The spokes-ovum replied, "My fellow ova and I are proceeding with the lawsuit regardless of opposition. We are interested in the bedrock principle, the idea that racial discrimination is inherently evil and wrong. If anyone out there wishes to contest us, then he or she can kiss my butt -- once I'm joined with a sperm, then proceed through the stages of being a zygote, embryo, and fetus, and actually develop a real, physical butt, of course."

Sunday, March 12, 2006

France's de Villepin Writes Poetry Amid Student Protests

PARIS, France -- (DNN -- Derrida News Network) -- French prime minister Dominique de Villepin has just published his latest book of poetry, an 800-page work glorifying liberté, egalité, fraternité, escargots, and the superiority of French hairdressers.

At the gala champagne reception he hosted last night to celebrate the publication, Mr. de Villepin appeared unaware of the mass student protests currently sweeping Paris. Parisian police yesterday stormed the Sorbonne University, which was occupied by angry student protesters unhappy about de Villepin's proposed labor reforms.

When informed of the student uprising, de Villepin replied, "Oui? Zis student revolt, eet eez very . . . romantique, no? Zee barricades, zee youthful faces, zee smell of revolution against the ruling elite! Ah, eet eez like my own youth and zee days of 1968! Zee young idealists battling zee forces of zee police and zee cold uncaring establishment, how eet fires zee imagination! I must write more poésie on zis topic immediately. And shall we join zem, zese romantic protesters?"

When informed that he was himself the elite government official whom the students were denouncing, Mr. de Villepin expressed shock and surprise. So great was the shock that he even ran his hands despairingly through his hair, thus endangering both his manicure and his coiffure.

"My youth, my jeunesse, where 'as eet gone? Mon Dieu! . . . " Then the prime minister suddenly looked up. "Wait, wait! Quickly, give me pen and paper -- I shall write an impassioned poem about the agonie of age, the futility of life, the defeat of beauty by time!"

Student protest leaders remain angry, and it is not clear whether more demonstrations will take place.

Note: DNN's previous and related report, "France's de Villepin Denies that Riots Occurred or that His Poetry Sucks."

Wednesday, March 08, 2006

European Union Chooses Dr. Frankenstein as New Leader

BRUSSELS, Belgium -- (CNN -- Constitution News Network) -- In a surprise vote today, the elite bureaucrats and functionaries of the European Union have chosen Dr. Victor Frankenstein as their new leader. The move is intended to breathe new life into attempts to revive the stalled Constitution of the EU, which failed spectacularly in votes held in France and the Netherlands last year. All member nations of the EU must ratify the constitution in order for it to take effect; its rejection by even one member state spells the failure of the overall project. The constitutional treaty has been languishing since that time, though a significant number of EU elites are attempting to resurrect it.

In a press briefing, EU spokeswoman Olive Liv Agen-Eegorr announced the election of Frankenstein and commented, "He is the perfect man for the job. He has extensive experience in reviving the seemingly unrevivable. Besides, he is clearly part of the educated elite class of Western Europeans who consider themselves beyond the limitations of the common grubby man, and, furthermore, he is Swiss. What more can you ask for?"

Dr. Frankenstein, a native of Geneva, is expected to take office by the end of the summer. In a written statement, the doctor expressed his delight at being selected as the latest EUrocrat and noted, "It will be my pleasure and honor to revive the constitution. I will make it live . . . LIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIVE!!!!!! Ahem, er, in the fullest spirit of democracy, of course. Thank you."