Friday, December 30, 2005

NY Times Journalists Strike in Solidarity with Chinese Counterparts; Nobody Notices

NEW YORK CITY, NY -- (CNN -- Circulation News Network) -- The New York Times has suffered recent setbacks in popularity among readers. Facing allegations of bias, ideological prejudice, and sloppy journalism, most famously in the recent stories of Judith Miller and Jayson Blair, the "Gray Lady" has faced tough times and steadily declining readership.

Therefore this week, in an attempt to both improve its image and present itself as a beacon of press freedom, the staff of the New York Times went on strike as a sign of solidarity with their counterparts in China. The strike by Chinese reporters as protest against censorship by the Communist party leadership in Beijing has gained international attention and widespread media coverage.

The New York Times companion strike, however, has not achieved a comparable amount of publicity. Carrying a placard saying "We Are Still Relevant, Mindless Masses! Buy My Newspaper, You Ignorant Right-Leaning Fascist!" one distraught Times journalist told CNN, "Nobody even noticed our strike! Look at all these people going by. They're not even looking at us. They're all rushing home to their computers, to catch up on news via Instapundit and Technorati and all those...those...blogs!"

In an exclusive phone interview with CNN, a Chinese journalist fighting for press freedom said, "Well, we appreciate all the publicity for our struggle against censorship and imprisonment by the autocratic Beijing media lords. But really, New York Times, please don't cheapen our fight by saying that you care. Still, I do have to say thanks and xie-xie to that paper for providing the world with great wrapping for fish."

Thursday, December 29, 2005

Europe Launches Galileo Satellite, GPS Knockoff

PARIS, France -- (CNN -- Cosmos News Network) -- The European Union has launched a new satellite with the goal of setting up a European answer to the Americans' Global Positioning System (GPS) of satellites. The European Space Agency's new Galileo satellite was launched from the Baikonur Cosmodrome in Kazakhstan. In a note of international cooperation, three non-EU nations -- China, Israel, and Ukraine -- are part of this venture, a fact which has prompted some comment.

"This Galileo business is just a cheap knockoff of our GPS system," said Stella Ryder, spokewoman of NASA. "Come on, the Chinese are on board. Who better knows about making knockoffs? Listen, don't be fooled by imitations. Demand the genuine article, the real GPS."

A spokesman for the ESA responded, "We are launching Galileo to aid us in our great new European space exploration program. We hope too to be able to use Galileo's GPS-like qualities to survey our own planet as well. Our first assignment will be satellite locating. We are most hopeful that Galileo will be able to help track global warming patterns and also to locate our moral high ground which we've . . . er, misplaced."

Tuesday, December 27, 2005

Ghost of FDR Offers Advice on Bird Flu Fear

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- (CNN -- Chicken News Network) -- In a city that has for months labored under the fear of an impending avian flu global pandemic, the non-appearance of any such outbreak is a welcome Christmas gift indeed.

While much fear remains, the blind panic of recent days has begun to fade. Even media outlets which have up been busy churning out alarming predictions have admitted that no pandemic has actually occurred and that the only documentable epidemic was the outbreak of global fear about avian flu.

As if in confirmation of this, today the ghost of US president Franklin Delano Roosevelt gave a press conference in the Roosevelt Memorial in the nation's capitol. Transparent and ghostly, yet looking dapper in 1940s garb, FDR gave a brief statement:

"My fellow Americans, it has been a very long time since I gave my first inaugural address as your president. But the message of that speech is as true now as it was when I was alive. The recent mass panic and hand-wringing over bird flu has been a colossal failure of nerve and an exercise in irrational scaremongering. Let me give you again the best advice I know to give:

"This is preeminently the time to speak the truth, the whole truth, frankly and boldly. Nor need we shrink from honestly facing conditions in our country today. This great Nation will endure as it has endured, will revive and will prosper. So, first of all, let me assert my firm belief that the only thing we have to fear is fear itself."

Sunday, December 25, 2005

Christmas News

Courtesy of Sacred Cow Burgers. Do click to enlarge!

Merry Christmas!

Thursday, December 22, 2005

North Pole Rocked by Santa Spying Revelation

NORTH POLE -- (CNN -- Caribou News Network) -- The recent revelation of US anti-terror spying has now found a twin in the usually calm and cheerful domain of Santa Claus. The jolly gift-giver is currently under fire after North Pole sources revealed that he had authorized the secret surveillance of millions of unsuspecting children without first obtaining warrants.

The whistleblower was an elf who spoke with CNN on condition of anonymity. "Santa's head of a Karl Rovian network of wire taps, phone taps, email surveillance, and many other forms of spying. But the truly diabolical thing is how he has managed to do this for years without detection. He's been doing it under our very noses. But I finally started getting suspicious after listening to the lyrics of 'Santa Claus Is Coming to Town' for the millionth time. After all, they do say:

You better watch out
You better not cry
Better not pout
I'm telling you why
Santa Claus is coming to town
He's making a list
And checking it twice;
Gonna find out
Who's naughty and nice
Santa Claus is coming to town
He sees you when you're sleeping
He knows when you're awake
He knows if you've been bad or good
So be good for goodness sake!

Now think about it--how would Santa know all these things if he didn't have a sophisticated spy network? And all this time we all thought he knew because he was the magical embodiment of holiday cheer. Santa lied!! Impeach Santa!!!"

The elf then returned to the protestors gathered outside the workshop, bearing placards which said "SANTA = SATAN," "How Dare You Judge Us," and "Toddlers Are Not Terrorists!"

Santa Claus was unavailable for comment, though all Christmas music has reportedly now been banned from the elves' workshops. The Claus camp did release a written statement warning that any journalists who insist on trespassing on Claus territory will receive nothing but coal in their Christmas stockings this year.

Wednesday, December 21, 2005

Geisha Movie to be Released Nationwide; CDC Fears Outbreak of Yellow Fever

HOLLYWOOD, California -- (CNN -- Celluloid News Network) -- The film adaptation of the bestselling novel Memoirs of a Geisha by Arthur Golden will be in theaters nationwide on December 23.

While the movie has received mixed reviews from cinema critics, it has now received a negative review from an unexpected source: the Centers for Disease Control (CDC).

CDC epidemic expert Penny Cillin explained: "We are afraid that the nationwide release of this film may spark an outbreak of yellow fever. Lead actress Zhang Ziyi could be the Typhoid Mary of our time, and we are completely unprepared for such an outbreak."

Miss Zhang could not be reached for comment, as she was reportedly too busy beating off crowds of white male admirers.

Sunday, December 18, 2005

Concerned Ancient Roman Traditionalists Insist: "Put the Saturn Back in Saturnalia"

The Christmas culture wars are beginning to become silly. Since I satirized the secular progressives last time with the "ban on snow angels" piece, I'll satirize the other side this time. The following satire was first published on December 17, 2004, but I think it's still timely. And before anyone criticizes my version of ancient Roman society and religion, I remind you: this article is just a JOKE on current popular culture. I've taken liberties. So sue me.


CAPITOLINE, ROME -- (CNN -- Centurion News Network) -- Different Roman groups are at odds over how to celebrate Saturnalia.

Green garlands abound on the doorways of homes and buildings. Banquets and invitations are in the air. A festive atmosphere has settled all over Rome as citizens greet each other with calls of "Io, Saturnalia!" But as the city heads into the December holiday season -- with December 17 as the starting date for Saturnalia celebrations -- it is becoming apparent that not every Roman sees this day with the same perspective.

While holiday shoppers throng Trajan's Market, the up-scale Forum Shops, and other mercantile meccas in the metroplex, groups of Roman traditionalists are voicing their concern over what they perceive is the over-commercialization and rampant consumerism of the holiday.

CNN interviewed one such group, Saturnalian Celebrants Reminding Others of Olden Golden Ethics (S.C.R.O.O.G.E.), as it gathered peacefully at the city's largest Temple of Saturn, in the heart of the downtown district. Instead of wearing festive garments, members of S.C.R.O.O.G.E. wore somber colors as they distributed pamphlets entitled "Placate the Gods, Impious Citizen!" or "The Real Meaning of Saturnalia."

S.C.R.O.O.G.E. leader Virginia Vestal explained. "In the holiday rush of shopping, parties, presents, orgies, and fancy clothes, Romans have forgotten about the gods entirely. Look across the street there -- the Trajan's Market mall is packed out. But who's here at the Temple of Saturn? Almost nobody."

When CNN asked Vestal what she made of recent accusations that S.C.R.O.O.G.E. was a killjoy, she denied that that was the goal of the organization. "We're not moral or religious watchdogs. We're only concerned citizens. We only want to remind our fellow Romans of our shared traditions. Please, don't forget our proud and ancient heritage. Let's put the Saturn back in Saturnalia and remember the real reason for the season."

In recent days, S.C.R.O.O.G.E. has placed full-page ads in the Acta Diurna and other city papers reading "It's Just Not _____________alia Without Saturn."

The group has drawn criticism from some merchants' associations. CNN also spoke with Festus Falstaff, spokesman for the Efficacious Merchants Preparing for Terrifically Overwhelming Revenue (E.M.P.T.O.R.).

"A little caveat, please," said Festus. "We merchants are simply going about our business trying to make a denarius or two like good businesspeople. S.C.R.O.O.G.E. is bad for business. Plus, hello, have they ever heard of the separation of temple and empire? They better watch it before their name becomes a watchword for holiday gloom.

"Let me tell you, gloom is bad for the economy. All good and patriotic Romans should go out and shop to strengthen our economy! Here, come on in and check out E.M.P.T.O.R.'s bargains -- buy 1 toga, get 1 half off!"

Saturnalia lasts from December 17-23.

Friday, December 16, 2005

Bush Supports Ban on Torturing Grad Students

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- (CNN -- Campus News Network) -- President Bush has agreed to support a ban on torture. The ban also outlaws any ''cruel, inhuman, or degrading treatment or punishment" of terror suspects and detainees. In the spirit of this decision, the president has this morning issued a similar ban on the ill treatment of graduate students on American campuses. "If we're going to ban one kind of torture, we might as well ban all kinds of torture," he said.

The decision has been hailed by grad student unions and associations. One student, speaking on condition of anonymity, said,"Yes, we are very happy. Under the current system, we are all too familar with 'cruel, inhuman, and degrading treatment.' Our overlords -- I mean, our distinguished professors and learned administration-- give us so much work and so little money that we do not sleep enough, we suffer from stress, we feel isolated from the world outside campus, we are constantly humiliated for our mistakes, and we have no time for friends or family because we are locked away in libraries and laboratories. 50% of all grad students do not finish their degrees -- they drop like flies under the current system."

Some professors are criticizing the presidential ban as unfair interference by government into campus affairs. One unnamed scholar responded: "This clearly demonstrates how ignorant Chimpy McBusHitlerburton -- I mean, President Bush -- is of our long-established academic traditions. Everyone knows that you do not come to grad school for humane treatment. The only humanity here, I'm pleased to say, is in the name of the Humanities department. No, you come to grad school to have your weak provincial mind re-programmed by the opinions of your professors, who are infallible in all things. Now repeat after me: No blood for oil. Iraq is Vietnam. Bush is Satan."

The President's office issued a written statement: "We note with sadness that one truth still remains in both academia and politics: No good deed goes unpunished."

Wednesday, December 14, 2005

Australia: Fears Abound That Sectarian Riots Will Spread to Koalas, Kangaroos

SYDNEY, Australia -- (CNN -- Crocodilehunter News Network) -- Australian authorities are concerned that recent racially motivated riots may spread in the Land Down Under after a weekend of violence on the beaches between white Australians and people of Middle Eastern descent.

Animal behaviorists are concerned that the sectarian violence may spark riots among Australia's animal populations as well. Specifically, zoologists fear unrest between groups of koalas and kangaroos, two species that have long been bitter rivals for the coveted title of "animal most associated with Australia."

Australia Zoo marsupial expert Ima Dundee stated, "We are very concerned. It's not for nothing that a group of kangaroos is technically called a 'mob' of kangaroos. As for koalas, do not be deceived by their cute appearance. They are closely related to drop bears and can be very dangerous. The tension between koalas and kangaroos has been brewing for a long time, and anything could set off rioting. There is a lot of money in endorsement deals at stake here. The Qantas contract alone...!"

Australian tour operators are also concerned. Tour guide Barb E. Shrimper noted, "It is bad enough that we are getting negative international publicity from the riots on our beautiful beaches. But if there is koala-versus-kangaroo violence, we will be ruined! We have built up an entire tour industry on the idea that koalas and kangaroos are lovable creatures you should travel halfway around the world to see."

Tuesday, December 13, 2005

Human Brain Cells Successfully Grown In Mice; Rodents Turn Into French Cheese Snobs

SAN FRANCISCO, California -- (CNN -- Cartoon News Network) -- Scientists have announced that they have successfully implanted human brain cells into mice. Of the laboratory mice, the most progress mentally have been made by a young female mouse nicknamed Mrs. Brisby and by a pair nicknamed Pinky and the Brain.

The other mice have demonstrated an unexpected change in behavior since the operation placed human cells into them. Instead of being content with the standard yellow American cheese, they now squeak with French accents and insist on only the finest imported Brie, Camembert de Normandie, and other French cheeses.

Head scientist Dr. Rocky Forte admitted that the experiment may have unforeseen side effects on the mice. "We are very pleased that the procedure was successful. Even so, we had no idea the mice would turn into cheese connoisseurs. I guess that's what happens if they become too smart: they become snobs too."

Monday, December 12, 2005

London Oil Blast Violates UK's Commitment to Kyoto Protocol

LONDON, England -- (CNN -- Carbon News Network) -- Today various environmental groups including the European Environmental Agency declared that the recent London oil blast is a clear violation of the UK's commitment to the Kyoto Protocol. The groups are also angrily criticizing Great Britain for the vast amounts of pollution now being released into the atmosphere from burning petrol.

In a phone interview with CNN's Brussels bureau, a EU environmental spokeman stated: "This fuel explosion will surely mean that the UK will exceed its limit on greenhouse emissions for this year. Tsk, tsk, Mr. Blair, who once was a champion of Kyoto -- now he must preside over this environmental disaster. We must form committees immediately to study the effect of the smoke cloud on Europe. We will also consider scolding or fining the UK -- Blair, he will not pay of course, but we do love fines and regulations and paperwork and grand televised speeches."

All the same, every cloud has a silver lining, even a cloud born of burning fuel. Scientists speculate that the resulting ash, smoke, and fine particulates in the air may produce spectacular sunsets in the near future -- similar to the effects of volcanic eruptions. "Possibly this may help our tourism initiatives," said hopeful travel analyst, Mary Packer. "Our economy could use a boost."

Al Qaeda Leader Urges Jihad Against Westerns

CAIRO, Egypt -- (CNN -- Celluloid News Network) -- A new terror audio tape has emerged, clarifying a tape recently released by Al Qaeda number 2 man, Ayman al-Zawahiri. In the first tape, Zawahiri reportedly urged jihad against the West. The second tape, however, clarifies the terrorist leader's intentions. CNN's team of Arabic-English language experts have released the following transcript and translation:


"Is this thing on? Testing, testing . . . one, two, three . . .

It has come to my attention from watching CNN, Fox News, the BBC, and other MSM outlets that the infidels have misunderstood my first tape. They need to take more Arabic language lessons!

I specifically urged jihad against Westerns. Why do you think I timed the release of the tape to coincide with the release of the movie 'Brokeback Mountain'? This new Western is an affront to the cultural and ideological sensibilities of all good terrorists! The notion of gay cowboys is offensive to the very idea of a crushing totalitarian caliphate! In Iran, they execute gay cowboys -- in fact, my pals the mullahs execute all kinds of gays! It would be the same in Osamaworld once we defeat the infidels.

By the way, jihad against the West in general is still my official policy. If you language-challenged infidels want to know what I mean by 'the West,' I mean 'everybody whom I don't like.'

But for now, I call on all faithful Islamofascists to boycott the sinful, decadent, wicked Western movie 'Brokeback Mountain'!"

*end of tape*

In a phone interview, the film producers told CNN, "No, we're not too worried. Besides, we think all publicity is good publicity. We are going to have more people coming to see the film to see what all the fuss is about. Really, we ought to thank crazy old Zawahiri for giving our work this huge amount of free publicity! This is far more exposure than all our multi-million-dollar advertising campaigns could muster!"

Friday, December 09, 2005

A Politically Correct Night in Bethlehem?

I cannot take credit for the following satire on the ongoing Christmas culture wars. I found it at TigerHawk, and its ultimate source is here. "What if Christ had been born today?" One can only wonder. Enjoy! And Merry Christmas!

And Joseph went up from Galilee to Bethlehem with Mary, his espoused wife, who was great with child. And she brought forth a son and wrapped him in swaddling clothes and laid him in a manger because there was no room for them in the inn. And the angel of the Lord spoke to the shepherds and said, "I bring you tidings of great joy. Unto you is born a Savior,which is Christ the Lord."

"There's a problem with the angel," said a Pharisee who happened to be strolling by. As he explained to Joseph, angels are widely regarded as religious symbols, and the stable was on public property where such symbols were not allowed to land or even hover.

"And I have to tell you, this whole thing looks to me very much like a Nativity scene," he said sadly. "That's a no-no, too."

Joseph had a bright idea. "What if I put a couple of reindeer over there near the ox and ass?" he said, eager to avoid sectarian strife.

"That would definitely help," said the Pharisee, who knew as well as anyone that whenever a savior appeared, judges usually liked to be on the safe side and surround it with deer or woodland creatures of some sort. "Just to clinch it, throw in a candy cane and a couple of elves and snowmen,too," he said. "No court can resist that."

Mary asked, "What does my son's birth have to do with snowmen?"

"Snowpersons!" cried a young woman, changing the subject before it veered dangerously toward religion.

Off to the side of the crowd, a Philistine was painting the Nativity scene. Mary complained that she and Joseph looked too tattered and worn in the picture. "Artistic license," he said. "I've got to show the plight of the haggard homeless in a greedy, uncaring society in winter," he quipped.

"We're not haggard or homeless. The inn was just full," said Mary.

"Whatever," said the painter.

Two women began to argue fiercely. One said she objected to Jesus' birth "because it privileged motherhood." The other scoffed at virgin births, but said that if they encouraged more attention to diversity in family forms and the rights of single mothers, well, then, she was all for them.

"I'm not a single mother," Mary started to say, but she was cut off by a third woman who insisted that swaddling clothes are a form of child abuse, since they restrict the natural movement of babies.

With the arrival of 10 child advocates, all trained to spot infant abuse and manger rash, Mary and Joseph were pushed to the edge of the crowd, where arguments were breaking out over how many reindeer (or what mix of reindeer and seasonal sprites) had to be installed to compensate for the infant's unfortunate religious character.

An older man bustled up, bowling over two merchants, who had been busy debating whether an elf is the same as a fairy and whether the elf/fairy should be shaking hands with Jesus in the crib or merely standing to the side, jumping around like a sports mascot.

"I'd hold off on the reindeer," the man said, explaining that the use of asses and oxen as picturesque backdrops for Nativity scenes carries the subliminal message of human dominance. He passed out two leaflets, one denouncing manger births as invasions of animal space, the other arguing that stables are "penned environments" where animals are incarcerated against their will. He had no opinion about elves or candy canes.

Signs declaring "Free the Bethlehem 2" began to appear, referring to the obviously exploited ass and ox. Someone said the halo on Jesus' head was elitist.

Mary was exasperated. "And what about you, old mother?" she said sharply to an elderly woman. "Are you here to attack the shepherds as prison guards for excluded species, maybe to complain that singing in Latin identifies us with our Roman oppressors, or just to say that I should have skipped patriarchal religiosity and joined some dumb new-age goddess religion?"

"None of the above," said the woman, "I just wanted to tell you that the Magi are here."

Sure enough, the three wise men rode up. The crowd gasped, "They're all male!" And "Not very multicultural!"

" Balthasar here is black," said one of the Magi.

"Yes, but how many of you are gay or disabled?" someone shouted. A committee was quickly formed to find an impoverished lesbian wise-person among the halt and lame of Bethlehem.

A calm voice said, "Be of good cheer, Mary, you have done well and your son will change the world." At last, a sane person, Mary thought. She turned to see a radiant and confident female face.

The woman spoke again: "There is one thing, though. Religious holidays are important, but can't we learn to celebrate them in ways that unite, not divide? For instance, instead of all this business about 'Gloria in excelsis Deo,' why not just 'Season's Greetings'?"

Mary said, "You mean my son has entered human history to deliver the message, 'Hello, it's winter'?"

"That's harsh, Mary," said the woman."Remember, your son could make it big in midwinter festivals, if he doesn't push the religion thing too far. Centuries from now, in nations yet unborn, people will give each other pricey gifts and have big office parties on his birthday. That's not chopped liver."

"Let me get back to you," Mary said.

World Losing Patience with Iran, ElBaradei

I saw this headline on CNN ( "ElBaradei: World losing patience with Iran" ) and couldn't help myself. Enjoy the satire, kids.
OSLO, Norway -- (CNN -- Chernobyl News Network) -- Nobel Peace Prize laureate Mohamed ElBaradei, who is also head of the United Nations' International Atomic Energy Agency, has sharply criticized Iran. Mr. ElBaradei stated that the international community is losing patience with Iran and that nation's nuclear ambitions.

"If Iran does not fully comply with UN and international demands, we will have no choice but to scold it again in public," he said as he shook a rolled-up newspaper at the camera. "Bad dog! Bad dog! Ahem...If it still defies us, we will be forced to initiate a round of committees, meetings, talks, and tea parties with EU diplomats. If all else fails, we will impose meaningless sanctions against Iran along with UN resolutions which we have no intention of enforcing. At the same, we are preparing resolutions to criticize Israel; if Israel defends itself in case of Iranian aggression, we will have an entire slate of resolutions ready to roll."

At the same time, a blogosphere cartoonist poll suggests that the world is losing patience not only with Iran, but also with ElBaradei himself. Poll results suggest that a sizable part of the blogosphere is unhappy with ElBaradei's perceived inability to stop nuclear proliferation among rogue states.

However, an exclusive phone interview, reclusive North Korean leader Kim Jong-Il declared," ElBaradei is a fine man, a fine diplomat and a force for peace and stability in the world. Any criticism of him is unfounded. Now if you will excuse me, I have to go oversee the latest round of uranium enrichment which my friend ElBaradei has made possible."

Wednesday, December 07, 2005

King Kong Debuts in New York; City Renamed "the Big Banana"

NEW YORK CITY, NY -- (CNN -- Celluloid News Network) -- As part of the advertising campaign for the upcoming film "King Kong," New York City has voluntarily changed its name from "the Big Apple" to "the Big Banana."

In a phone interview, New York City mayor Michael Bloomberg said that the name change is the next logical step. "I recently designated a day as 'King Kong Day' in the city, after all. There's an 8-meter-tall Kong replica in Times Square. The stars of the film are in town for various events and the press is going...well, bananas. Furthermore, the biggest star, King Kong himself, is happy with the name change. To be honest, he is literally the 800-pound gorilla in the room, and he gets to do and have pretty much whatever he wants."

But the new title of "the Big Banana" has some New Yorkers going ape. Various New York traditionalists are protesting the name change. They insist that New York identity is historically linked to the name "the Big Apple." All the same, Kong may have proven himself a New Yorker at heart; when the protesters rallied in front of his replica in Times Square, the giant ape replied by giving them a Bronx cheer.

Tuesday, December 06, 2005

White House Press Secretary Scott McClellan to be Replaced by Baby Panda

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- (CNN -- Cute News Network) -- In an unexpected twist in its public relations approach, the White House has announced that it will replace its current press secretary, Scott McClellan, with Tai Shan, the baby panda at the National Zoo.

During his daily press briefing yesterday, McClellan fielded questions from the White House press corps. When the interrogation reached a fever pitch of angry, harsh inquiries, McClellan pulled out a large glossy photo of the baby panda, which immediately reduced the hard-bitten journalists to prolonged cooing and sentimental smiling.

"Any further questions?" asked McClellan. "Any further questions about gas prices, Tom DeLay, Iraq strategy, or the President's poll numbers?

The press corps responded in unison: "Awwwwwwwwwwwwww...Look at that panda! Isn't he cuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuute?"

A source within the White House commented that the choice of Tai Shan is a public relations coup. "He has an uncanny ability to handle the press on a daily basis, and he can communicate in black-and-white terms in this age of muddled messages. He would certainly bring more diversity to the White House staff as well. As an American-born Chinese, Tai Shan is beyond doubt an Asian-American."

Animal rights activists led by PETA expressed concern about the health effects of repeated camera flashes on the panda cub. McClellan responded that Tai Shan is already accustomed to mass, sustained media coverage.

The panda is expected to start his new job on Monday. He will be the first "pandamerican" to hold this post.

Saturday, December 03, 2005

Brad Pitt to Adopt Angelina Jolie's Children, Madonna's Faux British Accent

HOLLYWOOD, California -- (CNN -- Celluloid News Network) -- Actor Brad Pitt has announced his intention to adopt Angelina Jolie's two children.

When asked why by reporters, Pitt replied, "Well, Angelina and I got used to playing house after filming 'Mr. and Mrs. Smith,' so this is just the next natural step."

If the adoption is finalized, the two young children's names will become Zahara Jolie-Pitt and Maddox Jolie-Pitt. Watchdog groups that monitor child abuse are watching the situation closely. One child advocate noted, "If these names become legal, the children could suffer significant psychological damage from being teased by playmates in the school yard. Also, their self-esteem may be crushed by the knowledge that they bear not just one, but two crazy celebrity Hollywood names. They may never be able to form their own identities."

Mr. Pitt replied, "Not at all. I want to adopt these two children to help them with their identity. Angelina agrees. Once these adoptions go through, none of us will any longer be embarrassed by the question 'Who's your daddy?' "

With adoption as an option now for his new life with Jolie, Pitt has announced that he will also adopt Madonna's faux British accent. "After all, I'm going to be marrying the real live Lara Croft," he said.

Pitt and Jolie recently returned from a visit to earthquake-ravaged Pakistan.

ACLU Files Suit Against Snow Angels

This satire was first posted on December 23, 2004. I think it is still relevant, though, as the annual "Christmas Culture Wars" are once more in full swing. Enjoy.
WHOVILLE, Middle America -- (HNN -- Holiday News Network) -- Snow angels are under attack from the ACLU in the latest incident of holiday-related acrimony.

Several families have received an unwelcome visit this holiday season -- not from jolly Saint Nick bringing presents, but from the ACLU's lawyers bringing fresh lawsuits. HNN has learned that the reason for the legal action is that the families' children were allowed to make snow angels on the front lawn of Whoville City Hall.

In a HNN interview today on the City Hall lawn, local ACLU spokesman Hugh Moreless said, "Snow angels clearly connote angels, which in turn clearly connote Christianity. This in turn is offensive proselytizing and cultural oppression of religious minorities and atheists, a battle for civil liberties which we have been combatting for a long time with our anti-Christmas -- I mean, pro-generic winter holiday -- agenda. Furthermore, these children made snow angels on the lawn of City Hall, thus violating the separation of church and state."

The spokeswoman for the families and herself the mother of a 6-year-old alleged snow angel maker, Mrs. Holly Daze insisted that the snow games were innocuous. "The children were out playing! This is simply the ACLU's latest effort to force their Bah Humbug on our fun and spoil our freedom as Americans to seek life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness. Happiness for our children meant making snow angels! Maybe the ACLU would lighten up if they actually joined in the games."

Mrs. Daze then reached down and formed a snowball, which she lobbed at Mr. Moreless. He responded by immediately filing charges of assault, incitement to violence, and hate speech.

All winter games have been banned from City Hall property until the ACLU lawsuit has been decided in federal court.

Thursday, December 01, 2005

France's de Villepin Denies that Riots Occurred or that His Poetry Sucks

PARIS, France -- (DNN -- Derrida News Network) -- In a recent TV interview, French Prime Minister Dominique de Villepin declared that the recent unrest in France cannot be called "riots."

"Zey cannot be called 'riots,' zis recent . . . how you say, unrest in la belle France," said de Villepin in a follow-up interview with DNN. " Zee incidents in our republique are simply our young people expressing zemselves. Zee Eenglish call zis 'high spirits' or 'zee youthful folly.' Zere were no riots. Riots occur only in backward, savage places like Los Angeles. No, we French, we do not have riots. We have revolutions, though currently we are living in a paradise of liberté, egalité, fraternité."

The elegantly coiffed Prime Minister then waved his manicured hand languidly at the members of the press. "Zese aren't zee riots you're looking for," he said. "You can go about your business. Move along."

When asked about the estimated 9000 cars burned in the recent unrest, de Villepin replied only that they were part of the EU's new strategy on auto incineration.

De Villepin has faced criticism in recent days for his seeming lack of action during the 3 weeks of French unrest. This criticism comes on the heels of previous criticism for his 800-page book of poetry. The work is entitled, in an odd coincidence, Eloge des Voleurs de Feu, or In Praise of the Thieves of Fire.

"Eet eez zee pinnacle of free speech," said de Villepin. "Zee rioters -- errrr -- zee young people of France were expressing zemselves freely, and I too was expressing moi-self freely. Eet eez all rather poetique, really, zee Molotov cocktails sailing like miniature phoenixes into zee velvet blackness of zee amorous night. Perhaps I shall write another book of poetry on zee unrest . . . Oui, zere eez criticism for both me zee poet and zee youths, but part of being an artiste eez to be misunderstood by zee public."